Dealing with Criticism/Judgement

[ButterflyMama]

Hiya!

A bit of background on me first - I'm a 19 year old Mama-to-be due in April next year. I'm in a loving relationship with my husband who is 23 (almost 24) and I'm working part-time til mid-March when I'm stopping to be a SAHM and I am also studying externally. Our baby is going to be the first Grandchild & Great-Grandchild on both sides of the family.

I have been copping quite a lot of judgment lately from family (mainly my Dad's side who don't approve and think it's all happened too quickly and is really rushed)regarding my age, parenting ability and pregnancy and I was wondering how everyone else deals with this sort of thing from strangers and people they know.

Some of the comments I have had are:

"You're so young to be having a baby! How do you feel about it all?" - to which I say, what do you think, I'm bloomin' excited and can't wait to meet her!

"How do your parents feel about being such young grandparents?" - to which I say, well my Mum is almost 60 and my Dad's in his mid-fifties, I don't think it's that young! Why don't you ask them instead of me?

"Oh my Goodness you're both (my husband and me) going to be studying (me externally him part-time) when the baby comes.. how are you going to cope?" - to which I say, as best we can!

"You're so big/small" usually followed by an uninvited rub of my stomach - this one I don't know how to deal with, I don't have a quick response for it and I can't stand strangers touching my belly but I don't know what to say to them other than swipe their hand off or just grin and bear it.

"I'd be so scared if I were you. Having a baby is such a big deal" - I almost fieel like saying no really??? I hadn't realized. But I don't really have a good response.

I hate the fact that although me and my husband are over the moon regarding this pregnancy, others still feel the need to give their opinion when it isn't asked and consequently I feel judged and ashamed for it even sometimes.

So do you get comments like these? How do you deal with them? What smart comebacks do you have and use, that shut people up?

All help/advice/input appreciated, thanks for taking the time to read this.

Jessie

[blessedmummy]

hey!! thats wonderful that you are pg!! i was a young mum myself, i was only 22 when i had emily and 23 when i had clare, true, it was hard at first, but i love being a mum and i cant wait to become a mum agian someday soon i really hope it all goes well for you both, and when you study, and that, im sure you will be the best mum ever!

[kiah]

I was preg with my first at 21 and it was fine for me. My mum was in her 40s and dad just into 50s. ??But who cares? It's actually got nothing to do with them...it would b nice for u to get some support.

U sound happy and excited...thank god someone is...why is it that pregnancies often become about other people?

u r about to start your own family...that is all that matters...if they hav a problem with it then they should do themselves a favour and speak their negativity elsewhere.

I wish u all the best...

[TwoBlue]

Hi Jessie, i just thought i would pop on and tell you that these were ALL comments that were made to me when i was preggas with DS#1 (other than the study thing...) and i was 28 !

I think people just make comment like these because they are "standard" things to say, none of them seem offensive to me at all.... and i always just answered them honestly...

* yes i am young but i feel that i am having this baby at the right time FOR ME...

*My parents are thrilled to be grandparents, they are not very young at all....

*the study will be hard but i am sure we will cope, we are very strong people...

*the big/small thing is SO standard, just go with it.. if they say your small say "thanks i have been very careful with my weight" if they say your big say " yes i am a surrogate for an elephant!"

*Yes having a baby IS a big deal, but we are ready and i am not scared at all, its the right time...

I hope this helps you but mainly i wanted to say..dont let people get you down with their comments, it happens to ALL of us even older parents, infact as we get older the comments get worse also.. you cant win

[kiah]

oh i just noticed...your baby is due on my son's bday...he will b 5 on 19th april

[TickledPink]

jessie - i cop it too cuz i fell pregnant three weeks after my wedding in June this year.
i get the:

"but its such a shame that you and dh cant spend any time as just the two of you"

or

"so soon after getting married, thats a pity"

i think that people just feel that they have the right to put their two cents worth in all the time. Just remember that most of the people making these comments to you already had a couple of kids by your age, and its more a reflection on them than you.

[Mum&bubs]

I have copped a few of these comments myself. I try my best to ignore them but yes sometimes they do hurt when all you really want is people's support not put downs- espeically when it comes from the people that matter most.

Just remember what you are capable of and how you feel as a person, I'm sure you will be a great mum so that's all that matters Bugger what everyone says. I'm sure once they say how you handle things they will sure ease up on the negativity!

[sandy_1902]

i havent gotten very much criticism, besides sum from my old former friends and that was jsut from one person, i guesss ive been lucky, and im just 16 i thought i would get alot, but i dunno guess im lucky

[mamesmumma]

Hiya MissBehave
I was reading coz I was interested in your post I dont get any comments coz as you can guess most people dont speak english but even those that do just ask me
"when are you going to give a birth?" thats a cute mistake and they all make it.
"is it a boy or a girl?" and
"is it your first?"
But even the non-english speakers ask just those three and nothing else (Luckily I understand that much japanese). So Im getting it pretty easy on the comment and belly rubbing side of things it seems.

But on to you...I was wondering, especially if it's from family if something along the line of "gee you'd think my own family would be supportive of me would'nt you?"
Or as you said it's mostly your dad's side - mabye something about how your inlaws are treating you nicer...like "Oh really...DH's family are so rapt and supportive of me - I suppose some people just react differently to other people's happiness."
Or is that TOO much???

[MissieK]

I was 24 when I had my first and I got the same comments! My parents were in their late 40s when they became grandparents for the first time (they had me at 23).

I hated it when people rubbed my tummy - still don't have an answer for that one...

My classic was "What are you having?" I would reply "Kittens!"

Melissa