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  1. #11
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    Haven't read the whole thread. Dh frequently doesn't listen. It feels like he doesn't value how I feel when he does something differently to me when I've told him many times why I want it done a particular way. It's frustrating, because he won't even discuss it with me. If he did then maybe we could compromise. Urgh

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    Default Non cooperative partners

    Dh tends to just follow my lead. I think because I was a nanny and doula for so long before we had children that he probably feels that my parenting choices are coming more from experience and research and also because I'm the primary carer so his attitude has been along the lines that since I'm the one who mainly deals with them then it should be mostly my style. I assume he so easily supports me because 1) he trusts that my decisions and style are safe and in the best interests of our children and 2) that my style mostly matches his so it's easy for him to follow my lead. That said, of course we still have big deep and meaningfuls about big parenting decisions or if one of us is a bit surprised by a reaction or decision from the other but I more often than not find that we are on the same page after these discussions. We were together for 11 years before ds1 was born though, and being that I was a nanny, we often had discussions about what we would do in certain scenarios that I encountered, so we kind of knew before kids that we had similar thoughts and styles regarding parenting.

    ETA: I definitely agree with some of the advice here, that counseling may at least help how you deal with it all and that giving him links and articles may help him compromise a bit more. What types of things are you disagreeing with?
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 22-11-2016 at 20:01.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AdornedWithCats View Post
    Haven't read the whole thread. Dh frequently doesn't listen. It feels like he doesn't value how I feel when he does something differently to me when I've told him many times why I want it done a particular way. It's frustrating, because he won't even discuss it with me. If he did then maybe we could compromise. Urgh
    This is us too. DH has brought it up with me twice since becoming parents that he doesn't feel like I listen to or value his opinions which is probably true but mainly because I'm on BH I read a lot and he follows pure instinct, nothing seems to be measured or with the future in mind.

    So I think he's just thrown his arms up in the air and leaves the kids up to me, he just steps in for the fun stuff and I do the rest.

    Don't let this be the case for you too OP. Even if you think his parenting is uninformed maybe try and pick the things you're happy for him to do his way and talk about compromising on others.

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    Quote Originally Posted by A-Squared View Post
    This is us too. DH has brought it up with me twice since becoming parents that he doesn't feel like I listen to or value his opinions which is probably true but mainly because I'm on BH I read a lot and he follows pure instinct, nothing seems to be measured or with the future in mind.

    So I think he's just thrown his arms up in the air and leaves the kids up to me, he just steps in for the fun stuff and I do the rest.

    Don't let this be the case for you too OP. Even if you think his parenting is uninformed maybe try and pick the things you're happy for him to do his way and talk about compromising on others.
    Wow our DH/dp are the same. Parenting is up to me and fun stuff is him. If DS2 cries he will pick him up straight away instead of letting him try to learn to self settle and I go off my nutter as I'm home 24/7 and he isn't so it's a rod for my back not his.

    DS1 won't even bother asking him for help any more it's all about me.

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    Candiceo  (23-11-2016)

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    Quote Originally Posted by babybeeno1 View Post
    Wow our DH/dp are the same. Parenting is up to me and fun stuff is him. If DS2 cries he will pick him up straight away instead of letting him try to learn to self settle and I go off my nutter as I'm home 24/7 and he isn't so it's a rod for my back not his.

    DS1 won't even bother asking him for help any more it's all about me.
    Yep, my kids always tell me if they're hungry or thirsty or need help on the toilet, want to play, want to go outside etc.

    So when I get frustrated at being smothered by them I'm frustrated at DH for not stepping in not at them for wanting just me, but then frustrated at me that I let it get to this point.

    OP I hope your DH comes around and will do counselling with you or at the very least be open to more conversations and compromising.

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    Hi there Candiceo.

    Yeah, we have this at times too 😕

    I came here to write wise things, but really, i think there's been lots of better advice than mine already. @harvs had some pretty good advice especially i think about going to counselling yourself for a bit - maybe it will help you with some good strategies for dealing with conflict and your DP. And maybe she'll come around a bit when she sees how it's working?

    Or you can say things like "my counsellor says I'm right", which could encourage her to get her to come along? 😉

    As for us... we've agreed to go to counselling together... but just haven't found the time... 😕 My DP and i are both strong willed, and we each think we're right about everything... Sometimes i just let things go to avoid a fight... but then i seethe about it inwardly.

    I hope you and your DP are able to work it out.

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    Candiceo  (23-11-2016)

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    Quote Originally Posted by TortoiseNotTheHare View Post
    What sorts of issues or differences have you come across?
    Mostly safety stuff - whether or not its ok to leave a 5 yr old in the car for a few minutes alone. If having a couple of drinks then driving with the kids in the car is ok. If leaving a 3 yr old and 5 yr old alone in the bath is ok or not. I'm firmly against all of these. Have actually seen a counselor alone but the lady i saw was use to seeing dv cases and thought i was a bit of drama queen
    Last edited by Candiceo; 23-11-2016 at 15:59.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Candiceo View Post
    Mostly safety stuff - whether or not its ok to leave a 5 yr old in the car for a few minutes alone. If having a couple of drinks then driving with the kids in the car is ok. If leaving a 3 yr old and 5 yr old alone in the bath is ok or not. I'm firmly against all of these. Have actually seen a counselor alone but the lady i saw was use to seeing dv cases and thought i was a bit of drama queen
    Maybe you need to pick your battles a little more or make some compromises? A couple of these I would do - ie leave kids in bath unsupervised at that age, but within earshot and check regularly. I would also drive if I've had a drink or a couple over the course of an evening (and under the limit of course - drink driving is different...). To me these the things you've noted are not deal breakers, but you have different lines for managing risk with your children. Can you accept compromise on some of them?

  15. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Candiceo View Post
    Mostly safety stuff - whether or not its ok to leave a 5 yr old in the car for a few minutes alone. If having a couple of drinks then driving with the kids in the car is ok. If leaving a 3 yr old and 5 yr old alone in the bath is ok or not. I'm firmly against all of these. Have actually seen a counselor alone but the lady i saw was use to seeing dv cases and thought i was a bit of drama queen
    Seeing as it seems your issues aren't about discipline I think it's actually a bit different- this isn't something that the two of you absolutely have to see eye to eye on. I think in this case it could be a case of letting each other do what works for them.
    The big sticking point for DP and I is boisterous play in the house. I let the kids drag furniture around, climb on it, jump on it, ride scooters in the house. We don't have any outdoor space and I feel like, they're kids and they need to let off steam. DP hates it, so when daddy's home/watching them it's not allowed whereas with me it's open season the kids accept that we have different rules and I think for things like this that's fine. It's when fundamental values are different that it becomes a real problem and fortunately our ideas are aligned on all the big stuff.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaybaby View Post
    Maybe you need to pick your battles a little more or make some compromises? A couple of these I would do - ie leave kids in bath unsupervised at that age, but within earshot and check regularly. I would also drive if I've had a drink or a couple over the course of an evening (and under the limit of course - drink driving is different...). To me these the things you've noted are not deal breakers, but you have different lines for managing risk with your children. Can you accept compromise on some of them?
    Yep i agree, not deal breakers. I don't make a big deal of these things anymore (it's been the same way for 5 years), have tried to make peace with myself internally if that makes sense but i still can't help but feel jaded. Especially when ds tells me that it's ok for him to stay in the car by himself at the cnr shops/chemist etc because xxxx (Dp) let's him.


 

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