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  1. #1
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    Default WDYT am I over reacting?

    I am feeling kinda upset right now because I feel very low down on my mums priorities. She has been in my state since Friday and came to see me for two hours yesterday and has just sent me a text saying she will visit me Wednesday with no time given and no asking me if that is ok with me. She also leaves on Sunday and will not make any plans with me to catch up. I am not expecting her to spend everyday with us however some firm commitment would be nice as we have other commitments to work around and i have to organise transport if we are going out somewhere.


    A bit of back ground sorry it is all over the place just trying to get it all down.


    I live in a different state to my mum and her husband (my step father).
    I have not seen my mum for a year and I have had a particularly bad year and among many other problems I have been suffering really badly with depression so I could really use some love from my mum right now.


    I do not have any family in my state and the few friend I have here I rarely see.
    I have 4 Children ages 20 months, 5, 11, and 16.
    I do not drive so I rely on my ex husband to get me around, we are still living in the same house and until we can sell we can't afford to live apart, things are mostly amicable between us and I am his carer. We are even looking into buying or renting a place that has separate accommodation so I can continue to be his carer.


    My mums husband has some close family friends of his who were visiting my state and as they were getting a holiday home for a week my mum and stepfather decided to join them and that way they could visit us too. My mum and Husband arrived two days before their friends so were going to get a hotel in the closest city to me, which I live 35 - 40 minutes drive away from.


    Months ago my mum asked me if My 16 year old could stay with them a couple of nights in the city, I agreed she could and mentioned what about the other kids and me, to which my mum assured me she would be spending some time with us. I tried to join in on the first days meet up with my 16 year old, which initially my mum agreed to but my mum seemed to forget very quickly about me and started to not include me in those plans. It turned out my 20 month old was sick so I did not push it on the day.


    On the phone my five year old asked my mum if she could have a sleep over with my her when she was visiting, my mum said yes of corse she can.
    My 11 year old was a bit put out because he would have loved to have stay in the city too.
    My 5 year old has talked about the sleepover for months and is super exited to do it. So I have tried to pin my mum down when the sleepover for miss five is happening and when she is going to spend time with the rest of us.
    My mum has not wanted to make any further plans as they needed to see what their friends were doing first. My 16 year old informed me that my mum has not even asked their friends if my 5 year old can stay that is why she hasn't committed a time.


    One of the times on the phone with my mum I expressed my concerns about leaving my other kids out and she said well what do they want to do? ( um der spend time with you) I asked and my 11 year old wanted them to take him to this great museum. When they were here on Sunday my 11 year old asked my mum when? My mum said we'll see , f me I usually say that when I am not wanting to do something. After two night with his sister all he gets is a we'll see......


    All weekend my kids have been waiting to see their grandparents knowing that their big sister is with them and not knowing when they are going to get their turn. My 5 year old has not shut up about the sleepover my 11 year thinks they don't like him very much ( I have tried to reassure him that they do but I am not so sure about this) And I am feeling completely left out and like an acquaintance they are popping in to see but they can only spare a few hours as they have to be on there way.


    To get perspective I want some other peoples opinions. Do you think I am over reacting been upset about all of this? Are my expectations too high in expecting my mum to make plans with the others and me? Should I just shut up and be grateful of the couple of hours I get?

  2. #2
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    My first thought was, what was communication like previously? When she or you have visited each other did you have many plans locked in? As in, is this usual behaviour for your mum?

    Another thought, could your mum be uncomfortable with you and your ex-hubby's situation and therefore avoiding you? My dh and I avoid his parents at times due to not liking how they live their life.

    My final thought is be more upfront with your mum. You could say something like, "we've been really looking forward to seeing you, can we lock in ..... for catch ups?"

    Hope you get to see more of your mum.

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  4. #3
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    Default WDYT am I over reacting?

    You are no overreacting as such, you and your kids are dying to see your mum and that's understandable.

    However, it does sound like she's overcommitted/promised things that she might not be able to keep. It sounds like your mum is disorganised and you need to sort out the finer details if things are to happen.

    Seperate sleepovers for individual grandkids, trips to a museum and holidays with friends, yet trying to find time to see you as well- all in the space of a week!!

    I think you need to lock in a family gathering- maybe go as a family to the museum for your son, and that evening your 5yo and possibly your son to spend that night (or evening before) with your mum. That way she can fit it all in.

    I empathise, my mum has forever said yes or promised things without really thinking it through, not realising how much it impacts on the kids when it doesn't materialise and how disappointed they feel. And she only lives 5 minutes away!

    Hope you (and the kids) get some much needed time with mum xxx
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 21-11-2016 at 09:11.

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  6. #4
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    I don't think you're over reacting, especially because you haven't seen her in a year. However, I do think it could come across like you're trying to organise your mum's life, when the reality is that she's there for a holiday with friends.

    I would do as LMS said and organise a day for the whole family to do something.

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  8. #5
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    I would be really hurt if my mum was on a holiday with friends in my town and prioritised that over seeing me and her grandchildren. Fair enough if you caught up all the time but you haven't seen her in a year. I'd be upset that she'll travel for friends but not for me.

    So no, I don't think you're over reacting.

    If it's going to be hard to organise the 5year olds sleep over at this stage I'd suggest your mum sleeps over a night at your house instead. That way she gets to see all the children not just a select few.

    The whole thing seems poorly handled - promising things she won't deliver...

    Good luck, and big hugs.

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  10. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yogis Mumma View Post
    My first thought was, what was communication like previously? When she or you have visited each other did you have many plans locked in? As in, is this usual behaviour for your mum?

    Another thought, could your mum be uncomfortable with you and your ex-hubby's situation and therefore avoiding you? My dh and I avoid his parents at times due to not liking how they live their life.

    My final thought is be more upfront with your mum. You could say something like, "we've been really looking forward to seeing you, can we lock in ..... for catch ups?"

    Hope you get to see more of your mum.
    Thanks for your reply
    I feel Communication is defiantly an issue as my mum doesn't seem to take on what I say. Last time she was here was very upsetting for me also. She moved to my state for three months to spend some time with us. She moved to the closest city 35-40 min drive away, than would not come and visit me as it was such a long drive. So most of the visits were made by us and it wasn't very comfortable in her tiny 1 bedroom flat especially with 6 of us including a baby .


    My mum and dads break up was very nasty when I was a kid. So i think that she thinks that my husbands and my break up will follow a similar path. my x and I are working hard on being amicable especially for our children. We still care for each other but can not function well living as a family unit. I think in general for some people my husband can be uncomfortable to be around. understandable as he is wired differently to most and social gatherings are very uncomfortable and awkward for him and people do pick up on this. My x wants no interaction with them and will happily disappear when they visit even offering to go camping if they wanted to stay here a night or two.


    I feel i have been up front with her. I like do however like your line I might try it.

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  12. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Little Miss Sunshine View Post
    You are no overreacting as such, you and your kids are dying to see your mum and that's understandable.

    However, it does sound like she's overcommitted/promised things that she might not be able to keep. It sounds like your mum is disorganised and you need to sort out the finer details if things are to happen.

    Seperate sleepovers for individual grandkids, trips to a museum and holidays with friends, yet trying to find time to see you as well- all in the space of a week!!

    I think you need to lock in a family gathering- maybe go as a family to the museum for your son, and that evening your 5yo and possibly your son to spend that night (or evening before) with your mum. That way she can fit it all in.

    I empathise, my mum has forever said yes or promised things without really thinking it through, not realising how much it impacts on the kids when it doesn't materialise and how disappointed they feel. And she only lives 5 minutes away!

    Hope you (and the kids) get some much needed time with mum xxx
    yes over committed for sure I wouldn't mind as much if she hadn't promised anything to the kids. I don't think she realises how it effects the kids when they are let down. I did ask her to stay here a night so I could spend some quality time with her because at home I can relax and not be chasing/looking after kids.

  13. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by atomicmama View Post
    I don't think you're over reacting, especially because you haven't seen her in a year. However, I do think it could come across like you're trying to organise your mum's life, when the reality is that she's there for a holiday with friends.

    I would do as LMS said and organise a day for the whole family to do something.
    It might come across like i am trying to organise her but I just want to lock in times as I have kids harassing me as she has promised them things. Organising things around school and other commitments can be challenging with many children.
    My mum knows all this but she doesn't seem to care. I am not asking or expecting for her to spend her everyday of her holiday with us, but she did however tell me she was coming to visit me so I do expect to see her more than a couple of hours.
    My mum also made me commit to my 16 year old staying with her awhile ago but would not make any plans with the rest of us.

  14. #9
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    Yes it does hurt and that is how I feel. I would love so much for her to stay here it would make it easy for us all to get what we all want. my mum however has refused my offer to stay here.

    Defiantly handled poorly indeed.

  15. #10
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    I don't think you're over reacting at all. I would be incredibly hurt if my mum lived far away and I hadn't seen her for a year, and then when she had an opportunity to spend some time with me, and more importantly with my kids, she chose not to.

    I also totally understand how frustrating it can be when people promise things to your children then don't follow through and you end up having to console them and make up excuses so your kids don't feel overlooked and lied to.

    I think your mum has handled this whole thing very poorly. It sounds like you've done all you can to facilitate some time together on this holiday and she's not really interested. If it were me
    I'd disengage now. She knows where you live and that your kids want to see her. I would stop calling etc.

    Maybe plan something fun for your kids, a day out to lift their spirits, text your mum to let her know it's happening and she's welcome to join and then leave the ball in her court.


 

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