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  1. #1
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    Default Why do (did) you stay at home??

    Just curious as I was reading this old piece by some female philosopher saying women are basically wasting their lives if they give up work when they have kids. Apparently there was a huge backlash from sahm's. I've not read that as ms2 has taken the computer! But she goes on to address the criticism of her judgment by saying that all this staying home business might be based around old religious ideologies. That women should be at home looking after kids and house. Thing is nothing is mentioned about wanting to be the one to care for your own children. It seems to be more aimed at the idea that some women are choosing "low status" (her words) Childcare / housework over more substantial paid employment.
    I never thought I'd be a sahm. I probably would've gone back a couple of days a week when dd1 was about 1.5 if we hadn't moved countries. I wouldn't have worked full time though. But even 2 days a week I would've found hard to leave my baby with strangers. If I'd had a grandparent or dp could've worked part time I would've loved to combine working and motherhood and once my kids got to about 2 I would've left them in a quality daycare.
    Not sure if this makes sense? I am just surprised when I read these kinds of pieces that the motivation to stay home with kids seems so different to mine. I absolutely never wanted to be a homemaker. That end of things I really struggle with. But being a full time mum in the first 2-3 years especially has been far harder but far more fulfilling than any job or even study I've done.

  2. #2
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    I didn't plan to be a SAHM. I went back after my eldest was born. But after my second came along we just agreed that it would be best for me to stay home. I wasn't too sure how I felt about it at the beginning, but it's been 5 years now nearly and I am so glad I did. I love being the homemaker and fussing over my kids and being around to watch them grow. I like keeping house and doing arts and crafts. I don't have a second to myself but that hasn't phased me at all. I am about to start studying as my youngest (4th child) is 2 so I am hoping to return to the workforce in about another 4-5 years.

    I feel really good that I have basically dedicated a decade to raising them, while doing little bits and pieces for myself on my own time, but after that I can concentrate a lot more on me completely guilt free.

    I don't know what it is that specifically draws me to it, I am just comfortable and happy with how we live at the moment.

    And honestly, I would rather spend my day vacuuming up glitter, than being a philosopher that makes a living bagging out women for making personal choices. I can tell you which one I would consider more "low status".

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  4. #3
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    I had been working full time for 22 years before having DS and was 6 years into opening our own office when I found out I was pregnant, I was very career driven, worked 7 days, non maternal and assumed I'd be back at work after 3 months with DS going to mums and daycare , they literally had to kick me out of the office at 38 weeks pregnant as I didn't want to leave - then as soon as DS was born I couldn't care less about work and never wanted to go back!

    I did go back 2 days a week when DS went to 3 and 4 year old pre school (9-3pm) and I've gone back nearly full time this year ( but only school hours and I have school holidays off!) and I hate it! I loved being a SAHM, I loved planning our week, going out, making play dates and activities, for me, with only 1 child it was like a holiday and far easier than working , I had tons of adult conversations with friends, had plenty to do and people to see so was never bored , I felt I had done my part ( contributing to the office and our income) so wanted to spend the time with DS before he started school , the only reason I went back at all was money and to give DH a break looking after the office by himself for so long ( he originally wanted me to stay at home and I said no!)

    I know it's not for everyone and no one would have predicted I would be a SAHM but it had nothing to do with what was expected and never considered myself at a lower status than working mums ( sometimes I did feel guilty that I got to stay at home when some had no choice)

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    I don't stay home but I thought I'd offer up my 2 cents anyway

    I have friends who stay home just because it's easier for them, it works better for their families when one person is home to do the pick ups, drop offs, sick days, appointments etc as well as the shopping and housework.

    I also have friends who are temporarily staying at home just to save on child care costs, and will head back after their youngest is in school.

    I only have one child and don't feel I need to stay home. Going to care three days a week is great for DD socially and emotionally, and the extra money makes our lives easier. I also didn't enjoy staying home full time - I like the break that work gives me.

    It's different for everyone I guess!

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    I never planned to be a SAHM, I returned to work only weeks after my DD was born and she was in full time care at 5 months old. When I got pregnant with DS1 when she was 3, we pulled her out while I was on maternity leave and the change in her was incredible. She turned into such a happy kid. She used to fall asleep in the high chair eating dinner. She'd eat breakfast in the car on the way to daycare. She was miserable. We never saw her. And now 5 years later we have DS2 as well and she is at school and I volunteer heavily at the school and study part time at uni. I wouldn't change it for the world, I love it.

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    It was important to H.
    I agreed to stay home for a year with the agreement that I would study to change careers when I went back.
    I haven't been able to study and absolutely do not want to go back to working in childcare so... I'm stuck essentially.

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    I stayed home because I was a full time uni student and financially we were ok without me working.

    It was the right decision for or family as it allowed me to finish my degree and spend more time with DS

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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    It was important to H.
    I agreed to stay home for a year with the agreement that I would study to change careers when I went back.
    I haven't been able to study and absolutely do not want to go back to working in childcare so... I'm stuck essentially.
    It's so hard to study with kids. How old is s/he? Why are you so sure you want to leave Childcare?

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    I was doing my PhD when I had DD. DH and I had agreed that I would be home with DD until she went to school, as that is what we both wanted and believe was best for DD. I will finish my PhD at some stage, it isn't urgent. I decided to stay not working/studying when DD started school (now yr 2) so that I could take her each day (no before or after school care), be there for excursions, assemblies where she performs Etc. I really enjoy that. I am available for sick days, holidays, appointments and so on. It allowed me to be on site every day while we built a house. We now also have DS 15 months so home with him too. We are very fortunate that we don't need the money from a second income so I can be at home.

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    I'm not a SAHM but thought I would share my 2 cents as I never expected to be working almost full time after having ds.

    I grew up with a Mum who's philosophy is almost the opposite of the one you mention. Mum would frequently tell me that women should look after their own children so should either have children or work, not both. I had started studying when I got pregnant with ds and was keen to finish so took 6 months off then went back part time. It was really hard at the start to leave him with other people - even his grandma! It was only 2 days a week too. I never wanted to use childcare.

    But I needed to increase my hours by another day or so, so put him in an care at 16 months one morning a week. And he thrived! He loved the big kids, learnt how to sit and eat, got the motivation to walk from watching the older kids etc. It completely changed my perception of childcare.

    So I started looking into long day care centres and found a great one which has been fantastic. Ds is 2 now and will be increasing from 2 to 4 days there next year. I love my work and developing my career - still studying part time but also doing lots of casual work, boosting my super and also volunteer at ds' childcare when I can. Never did I think I would be working 4 days a week when I had ds but it's the right balance for us. Plus if we ever want to buy a house I'll need to get a job once I graduate.

    One thing that's always been very important for me is being able to be there for ds and being involved in his schooling/interests. I think I can do this even while working (though I should point out I'm fortunate my job is reasonably flexible). My mum was a SAHM but she was rarely involved - I think she spent most of my childhood reading the paper or cleaning the house! It was very hard in that first year or so leaving ds though. Much easier now he is almost 3.
    Last edited by AdornedWithCats; 12-11-2016 at 10:40.

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