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  1. #1
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    Default Issues with partners ex... ugh, it's complicated

    Hi guys, looking for a bit of advice.

    My partner and I have been in a relationship for just over a year and I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant. My partner already has a 7 year old son. He and his sons mother have a strained relationship, but they do what they can to remain civil around him, though sometimes that is harder to do then not. Master 7 lives with his mother full time, and we have him on the weekends. He also has a mild form of autism. He's just like any other boy, but a little behind intellectually then most his age. My partner and I live with his dad, as they own the house together.

    Now...

    For about 2 or 3 years according to my partner, he's been concerned about the people his ex has been hanging out with and what kind of people are being brought around his son. I wasn't around at that time, so I'm not sure about all that, but I have been around for the last year and seen some worrying things. The people I've seen are known drug users/dealers. They had on more then one occasion used her flat as a pad. She had made friends with one or two of these people, but then they'd bring scores of others over and take over her place. Even people she'd never met would come over and say, 'well..so-and-so said I could crash here'. My partner had confronted her about these people and the drug taking, but was met with accusations of being a racist. This went on for months. Everytime my partner would say something, he'd get this verbal beatdown. During one of there more calmer exchanges, he accused her of taking drugs to which she didn't deny. She simply said 'Well, that's what Geraldton is like. Everyone does it..it's normal." I'm talking ICE here. There was an instance a few months ago that my partners dad went to perth for gig. Now, he's a pot smoker, has been almost his whole life (he's 66 now). While I don't particulary like it, I live in his house, so I don't really have a say. He smokes it outside and hardly ever around me. But while in perth he got his hands on some pills or whatnot from his other band buddies. On returning home he had to drop off stuff my partners ex, to which he mentioned to her about these drugs. She said she wanted to buy some of him. Turns out she didn't have the money at the time, so she didn't get them. He told my partner about it while laughing, and said 'well...it was my fault for telling her I had them.' This makes me think that yes, she is taking drugs in some form or another. Before I put my foot down, she would ring my partner at 8/9pm at night demanding child support ($150 at the time) a day before it was due. When he'd ask why so late, she'd make up some story that we would never believe. But he'd want his son to have this money for food etc, so he'd give it over. We never really thought too much about it until a few times master 7 had to come stay with us for a few days because she had no food to feed him, and the house had the power cut off. This had gone on for a week before she even said anything. And the only way we knew about it was master 7 said he couldn't watch tv because the house wasn't working.

    My partners dad gave her money to sort out the power bill and get that back on, and gave her money to do grocery shopping. After I found out I was pregnant, we decided that $150 worth of child support would be cut to $100 (they have a private agreement, nothing through the law) and she got so angry, my partner wasn't allowed to see his son for almost a month. It wasn't until she had a party to go to that she allowed them to be together again.

    A month or so ago she was evicted from her flat. She and her mother butt heads like no ones business, but she took her daughter in because of master 7. She owns her own house, and has a granny flat that they moved into. My partners ex rang my partners dad and asked him to help her move. He did. Turns out she left the old flat in an absolutley disgraceful state. It was filfty, there was no way she was going to get her bond back. It made my partner think what kind of conditions his son was living in.

    Now, through all of this master 7 has been missing a lot of school. Every time he stays with us through till monday, we get him ready for school and take him. But there were days he was missing, sometimes a whole week. His mothers excuse is always the same. Because he's autistic, he gets sick a lot. A lot of the time he's with us he's either really congested, blocked nose, sometimes actually sick. But always..ALWAYS congested like he needs a good hard cough to clear his sinuses of muck. He spends all his time on his tablet or watching tv. I almost fell over backwards when I saw he was playing Grand Theft Auto 5 on the ps3, or watching it on youtube. He said his mum said it was ok. That game is r18! He really is a sweet boy, but doesn't use manners unless he's told to, very demanding and cries if he doesn't get his way. I personally came from a very disciplined home. Crying doesn't work on me. But I have to walk away when he acts up because I don't feel like I have the right to discipline him about his behaviour, which leads me and my partner into tense moments. His mothers answer to everything is 'because he's autistic.' He can't do this, he's sick all the time, he won't eat anyting but sausages chicken nuggets and mcdonalds because he's autistic. He's behind in school because he's autistic. Everytime, no fail.

    Just a few weeks ago we found out he didn't go to school and when we asked him why, he said 'mummy had important stuff to do.' When asked about it, she got angry and made some story up.

    Last weekend he and his mother went to Perth for her sisters wedding. A few weeks before her mother gave her $200 to buy a nice dress as she was a maid of honour. We get a phone call at 1.30am Thursday morning from her, she ran out petrol in her car lost in perth, she parked it up at a gas station and caught a taxi back to the hotel. She needed money transferred to her to pay for the taxi and help get back to the car and put gas in it. By the way, she had master 7 in the car at the time at 1:30am!! What the hell was she doing at that time with a 7 year old asleep in the back seat. Turns out, she's spent the $200 her mother gave her weeks before on something else, had to find a dress fast a day before the wedding and got lost driving around trying to find a 2nd hand clothes shop. True or not, I don't know. Apparently she turned that whole wedding weekend into a big drama, she came very close to being kicked out by the groom. Oh, did i mention the car she parked up and left was brought by my partners dad for her only a few days earlier. She's had it for a a little while now, and calls him almost every few days because she's run out of gas and needs money to fill up.

    Now, last night we got a phone call from master 7s grandma. She'd come home from work about 8/8.30 and master 7 was still in his school uniform and had no dinner, his mother no where to be found. Now she's told her daughter that she's not to come into the main house when she's not there, she doesn't even have a key. That's how much she trusts her own daughter, with good reason. But her son (who is a schitzophenic alcoholic...I'm not even lying he truely is) lives with her and was home at the time. Turns out master 7s mother picked him up from school and dropped him off at the house with this nutcase, and left. She wasn't seen again until this morning when we got another phonecall from grandma saying she found master 7s mother asleep in the flea ridden dogs bed outside the granny flat. She'd lost the keys to the flat and her car had run out of fuel... again.. so she had to leave it where it was. She didn't want to bother anyone as late as it was when she finally got home, so she slept in the dog house. Needless to say her and her mother had a huge blow out, in front of master 7 which just upset him. When they were finally able to get back into the granny flat the grandma was disgusted by the state of the place. Old, moldy food, plates, cockroaches etc everywhere! It was a disgrace. This is what master 7 has been living in!

    The thing I'm worried about is that my partners dad is very, very liberal when it comes to drugs. He doesn't believe the ex is on drugs, but even if she is, he says well... that's geraldton. It's no biggie. Yet she's been digging herself so deep into his wallet she will tell him whatever he wants to hear. He spends almost $800 a month on a program for master 7 to help with his cognitive abilities and austism, because he thinks once it's done master 7s brain will be rewired and his autism will be cured. She on the other hand thinks its a waste of time. He's autistic, he will always be slow. To me, both attitudes are just insane.

    My partners father has history (sexually) with master 7s grandma, so that makes things awkward. He's constantly saying the woman in certifiably insane, yet thinks its ok that master 7 is living in squalor. Because of all the history these people have with one another, they can't see the bigger picture and just argue and blame eachother.

    All the while, my partner has no idea what to do. He doesn't know who to talk to about it or who will believe him. I mentioned dcp, but if he goes that route could that be too much? Will it blow up into a huge uncontrollable thing.

    Any advice on what he can do, or talk to.

    Sorry its so long. There is more, but I can't think right now.

  2. #2
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    Sounds like he's better off with you guys full time. If you take it further, to FACS say, you will need needs lots and lots of evidence, not accusations- evidence. You will need specific occurrences and the dates. Write a list. Write it all down, like a facts sheet. Then ask FACS for a meeting, saying you believe your partners sons education, safety, and health is at risk (due to missing days, constant sickness and mother using drugs and having strangers in the house)

  3. #3
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    I'd be filing for custody and calling child protection

  4. #4
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    This situation needs to be reported to child services immediately. I'd advise your partner to make an appointment with his son's school to discuss these issues. Surely his teacher would realise something is up. I'm a teacher and when we have children with extended absences they are reported to the Home School Liason Officer. This situation is serious and that child needs to be removed ASAP.

  5. #5
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    Why hasn't your partner called child protection and filed for custody? I'm going to be honest, we often have threads here by either the non custodial father or the new gf/wife listing all manner of terrible things the mother is doing or not doing and criticising her parenting, yet 99% of the time they haven't even called child protection let alone taken the child. If hypothetically (and it most def would never happen) DH and I broke up and I turned into a druggie that was neglecting our kids, not feeding them properly, allowing the power to be disconnected, living in squalor he wouldn't just be calling CP he'd be at the Police Station, at the court house and on CP's doorstep daily until he had the kids.

    I'm sure I'll be beaten with sticks for not just telling you what you want to hear, but that 7 year old is innocent. He is a child and it is your partner's job to provide some stability and protection. You say this has been happening for 2-3 years? It sounds like both parents have been failing that poor little boy for that amount of time. Sorry but as someone who used to work in CP, this topic really gets me going.
    Last edited by delirium; 18-10-2016 at 17:06.

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  7. #6
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    I feel so awful for your DP's son what a horrible thing to be exposed to, and so much neglect

    I have to agree with above posters, you and your partner need to get that boy out of that situation. Knowing about it and doing nothing is just another form of neglect and possibly even criminal.

    I can see the dilemma you have though - if he lives with you, he would be living in the home of a drug user, which could be used against you/your partner, and this could end in him just being taken away from both his parents.

    I would seriously consider you and your partner moving out of your FIL's home and taking master 7 with you.

  8. #7
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    I also wanted to address your own home situation. I left that out of my previous post but thinking about it, it should be discussed.

    Your FIL smokes pot, which I don't consider a huge thing, but seems to be semi open about it? He also happily scores and uses hard drugs and is willing to sell to the same woman who is neglecting your partner's son. Given you have a baby coming you maybe need to think about moving out. I know your partner and father own the house together, but you are criticising his ex for drug use while an adult in your house is actively using pot and ice?? Also, your FIL should be putting all that money he's giving to her into hiring a good lawyer instead of enabling her behaviour.

    I'm trying to be polite as I can here, despite being quite upset by this thread, but I would not be placing that little boy in either household.

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  10. #8
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    Is there a Custody Order lodged with the court ? I am assuming not. If not, then there is nothing stopping you from just keeping the child with you and mother fighting to get him back. If there is orders in place, then you will need to go to mediation/courts etc to get custody of the poor little boy.

    But I would also get your partners father to buy you out, and move out on your own, so that it is just the 2 of you to worry about. Rather than having all the added drama of FIL and grandma, especially if they are known to each other. Lordy lord. You have a baby on the way, you certainly don't want to add that to the mix of the current situation I feel for you, as I can see it is not going to be an easy fix.


 

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