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  1. #21
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    Default Somebody please help. No bashing.

    Quote Originally Posted by tjbliss View Post
    , he doesn't go into her room.. just something that he's never done and something we don't see he should do. As for talking to my partner when he finishes work it's really honestly the only time we do get to talk about anything at all. We don't close the door and completely exclude her she knows she's welcome to come in, but she chooses not to.!
    Your DP never going into your daughters room strikes me as being very unusual. I have to ask why do you both see it as something he shouldn't do? If a new man is to be fully integrated into your and your daughters life then he needs to be able to do thinks like put her to bed when you are busy. Or when it's his turn. He needs to help out with raising the little girl who is living in the same house as him.

    You and your DP need to put your heads together and think of a way to find a more appropriate time to get your 10 minutes together. I find it very hard to believe, make that impossible to believe, that the moment your DP arrives home is the ONLY time you can get your 10 minutes together.

    Don't get me wrong - you are doing an awesome thing in teaching out for help. And you are doing very well in taking in what hubbers are saying. Just than for me, these two items together suggest that less focus needs to be on you and your DP's budding relationship and more focus needs to be placed on integrating your DP into your daughters life. Kids love stability and security.

    Good luck

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  3. #22
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    I noticed with my kids, especially my first son, that it wasn't the terrible two's but the 3's and 4's. At this age they start to fully realise how much power they can wield against us, but they don't have the maturity or life experience to handle it.

    It sounds to me like she enjoys the reaction she gets when she upsets you as it makes her feel in control. She likes to see the Cause and Effect from her words i.e. she says something nasty to you which she knows will upset you, she sees you cry/look hurt. She now feels she has that power over you, that she is the boss.

    I would deliberately be poker faced and matter-of-fact when she says this stuff. "oh, you want to live with granny? Ok" - no emotion, no reaction. "well since you don't like the scooter the elves made you, you might find next year Santa brings you nothing". Once again, said calmly, with little emotion. Then completely change the subject like it was never spoken about.

    Kids need structure and consequences and they thrive on it. It sounds like you have some good consequences there that are gentle. Keep using them, particularly removing her 'currency', but don't let her have the power by allowing her to see she has got to you. You sound like a very loving mum who is willing to take on new ideas. You and your little girl will get through this. Consistency is the key!

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  5. #23
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    My DD is about to turn 4 and a lot of what you've described sounds just like her.

    I don't mean to offend you but I think the first thing you need to do is harden up. 3/4 year olds are hard work, they're at that age where they want to be independent and test boundaries and feel like they have some control in life and at the same time they have no concept of having to think of someone else's feelings and not offend. They have no filter really.

    All these things your DD is doing sound developmentally appropriate, the thing is it's your job to guide her to behave in a more socially acceptable way, to learn to take other people's feelings into consideration and make better choices, and it's hard work!

    Feeling guilty sometimes when you have to be the disciplinarian is par for the course but you can't let that stop you. If I cried every time DD was mean to me some days I think I'd never stop crying. Don't get me wrong some days I do cry because it's hard work and it's overwhelming dealing with a little person who sometimes has so much anger inside, but generally I think you need to have a tough skin as a parent and realise that how they're acting is not about you, it's about them and needing to exert control and being unable to articulate their complex needs. Remember that deep down she really does love you and needs you to set boundaries and guide her to better behavior and choices without feeling guilty about that.

    You've been given great advice so far in how to do that with positive reinforcement, rewards, consequences etc and I've heard great things about the triple P parenting courses.

    I hope it gets easier for you. Hang in there, these years aren't easy but my mum always tells me they go so fast and we'll miss them when they're over.

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  7. #24
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    I don't have a toddler and I'm no expert - but a thought with the 10 minute debrief when your partner gets home.
    Why don't you try it out on the couch and include your DD and ask her how day was and what she did etc
    You may be surprised by some of the answers she gives and may give you a small insight into how she thought the day went?
    Also if some of her actions are for attention, this 'grown up' chat may help her feel included?
    Just a thought.
    Xx

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  9. #25
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    Just a suggestion - could you go all out silly with her and have a few crazy days where the mess doesn't matter? Cook together, play games, go to the park etc?

    If one of my kids say they don't like a toy i say hun your sooo right, this scooter is silly let's go chuck it in the bin! Grab scooter and head outside to the bin. They change their tune so fast!

    So for the two bathroom comments I'd say hey yeah two bathrooms is no good let's shut the door and never ever go in again. Of course this is just silly play behavior but 4 year olds love the attention and they are easier to handle if they think that your up for a game and like spending time with them.

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  11. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Candiceo View Post
    Just a suggestion - could you go all out silly with her and have a few crazy days where the mess doesn't matter? Cook together, play games, go to the park etc?

    If one of my kids say they don't like a toy i say hun your sooo right, this scooter is silly let's go chuck it in the bin! Grab scooter and head outside to the bin. They change their tune so fast!

    So for the two bathroom comments I'd say hey yeah two bathrooms is no good let's shut the door and never ever go in again. Of course this is just silly play behavior but 4 year olds love the attention and they are easier to handle if they think that your up for a game and like spending time with them.
    I love this. My kids would go nuts if we did this. This morning my 4 year old was telling me a story about a t-Rex monkey and how it had 2 heads. He knew he was talking rubbish but the fact that mummy listened and played along meant the world.

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  13. #27
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    If anyone is interested, search on youtube for 'The Axel Show'. At first i thought the guy was a nutter but I'm totally inspired now to play more with my kids.

    I think so many behavioral issues would disappear if we could all put in some dedicated crazy play time like this guy does.

  14. #28
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    Default Somebody please help. No bashing.

    I would agree with others EXCEPT you said that her behaviour used to be fine but now it's not, that is a major red flag. When did it begin? When she started Pre School? When your partner moved in? You sound like an amazing mum!' I don't think you are not doing enough or inappropriate discipline, or lack of play etc, I just think she's upset at something, and she's taking it out on you.

    I was going to write or suggest something perhaps a little too full on, but I did read from your previous posts over the years that one of your sons had some anger issues at the same age? How did that pan out?
    Last edited by Reina83; 14-10-2016 at 14:57.


 

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