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  1. #21
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    @spotsmum thank you so much for adding your perspective in here, it is really lovely to read from the other side - I know you've given such an incredible gift to so many, that speaks volumes about the type of person you are. And as one of the other ladies mentioned, they hope that is the main characteristic that gets passed on from the egg donor mother

    I'm really enjoying this thread as well, it is really helpful to hear the different stories and perspectives as I hope it will give me some guidance as to how to manage how I move forward. My ideal scenario was a known donor, but my Aussie donor pulled out and broke our heart at the last minute, and the time factor for me is now a huge issue, so I feel like overseas is the best option. But of course I'm struggling with the anon aspect and I guess I'm trying to find a perspective that allows me to move forward in a way I can come to terms with in respect of the future child not being able to trace their heritage. Thanks everyone, I agree it's been a very respectful and non-judgemental conversation and I hope we have a few more posters as I know many on BH are heading, or have done DE

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  3. #22
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  5. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by spotsmum View Post
    Each to their own for sure. As a known Aussie donor I completely understand why people would choose to go overseas. I hate that the system here means that you have to *compete* for lack of a better word for a donor. I have always hated that aspect and feel **** about it - I never had to prove myself to become a mother, why should you?! I don't like the alternative of paying big $$ here either though. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't altruistic. I think it means donors are overstimmed by FS's and unrealistic expectations on both numbers and characteristics are created. I honestly don't know what the right answer is.
    On the other side though , I have lovely relationships with my recipients ( 6 of them) and can assure you I in no way feel like I am those children's mother, nor do I give 2 hoots about their parenting. I make myself available for their babies should they ever want me to answer their questions or curiosity and also for my kids because they deserve to know their genetic links- I also genuinely like the people I have donated to ( although we are all very different).
    I have enjoyed this conversation- thankyou
    So wonderful to hear from a donor. Thank you for what you have done and the families who now have bubs thanks to you!

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  7. #24
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    I would love to have been an egg donor (probably too old now) but I am put off by the fact that it can't be anonymous. I understand that in the future there may be medical issues for which it would be beneficial being able to trace back but I wouldn't want to have been contacted when the child reached 18, if they decided they wanted to contact me. I would just see it as helping someone out who would be unable to become a parent without it.

    It has only been since going through IVF myself has made me think this, it would have never crossed my mind before....

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  9. #25
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    For DH and I there really wasn't much choice. We were told by FS in Aus that were were too old to help and should look for ED. FS then noted that basically due to our age as well we'd be unlikely candidates for Aus donors to choice (leaving us feeling extremely upset!!). So not wanting to even go onto the Aus ED sites and beg for an egg (at that time I felt so angry and felt like no one understood!)...we decided to look OS

    So we then researched DE O/S and first looked at CT but found that it was impossible to chose a donor! On bubhub we then found Greece and I spoke with someone who'd gone and I felt such peace. It really didn't come into our concerns (as there are many others to worry about) whether or not it was anon or not. We just wanted to have a baby as we believe we'd be great parents and both of us have always wanted to be parents.

    Reading this thread I'm now wondering about a few more things but DH and I are so open about most things I know we'd be talking to our kid(s) about the process.

    I do believe that a cell/egg is just one part - an amazing donation which is much appreciated - but that's it! The rest is us - the pregnancy, raising them etc. And I believe in cases of medical reasons all the clinics can be contacted and they would deal directly with our medical personnel giving medical history. I do hope our child(ren) - (haven't had first scan so not sure if bub or twins) are not mentally affected by not being able to find and speak to their biological egg donor but that is something we'll have to deal with in the future.

    I'm just so happy to be pregnant! One hurdle at a time

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  11. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Molros View Post
    I would love to have been an egg donor (probably too old now) but I am put off by the fact that it can't be anonymous. I understand that in the future there may be medical issues for which it would be beneficial being able to trace back but I wouldn't want to have been contacted when the child reached 18, if they decided they wanted to contact me. I would just see it as helping someone out who would be unable to become a parent without it.

    It has only been since going through IVF myself has made me think this, it would have never crossed my mind before....
    Its funny you say that because the whole ivf thing made me think that being 36 and having good lining, if i ever bloody get my own family in thd next couple of years, i could totally still have time to be a surrogate for someone. Its in the back of my mind.

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  13. #27
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    @Rhino i remember reading somewhere that, god forbid a donor child had a life threatening illness, you can go to court in greece and get them to release the identity e.g. if you needed an organ transplant or bone marrow donation etc. from a geneticly linked person. That was some reassurance, although obviously nobody wants that to happen.

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  15. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorgeousgeorge View Post
    Its funny you say that because the whole ivf thing made me think that being 36 and having good lining, if i ever bloody get my own family in thd next couple of years, i could totally still have time to be a surrogate for someone. Its in the back of my mind.
    Yep, but I know I would struggle with handing over a baby I had carried and birthed, hence why I like the ED idea as it is just an egg, but enables someone else to carry and birth their own child

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  17. #29
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    Hi everyone..
    Great thread, these posts are going to help so many people. Thanks everyone for your courage and honesty.
    I'll start by saying I have a child, conceived easily and naturally. It turns out this was a miracle and the quest to give him a sibling and complete our family has been a painful, sad and steep road which has ultimately led us to the donor egg option. I'm going to SA next month.
    Initially we were 100% non disclosure and this was purely for the protection of the child - I hate the thought of them feeling like they are less 'ours' than our first. I hate the thought of people talking about them as though they are different. I don't want them to ever doubt the absolution of my love.
    Then I began to research some donor family websites and everything changed.. I started to realise this is perhaps not my decision to make. I went to an IVF Counsellor who was fantastic. One of the problems I've had is I've felt like I'm lying to everyone by not sharing what we are doing, and she reminded me that while secrets can cause problems, being private is absolutely ok. We are still processing it all ourselves and definitely need to take the 'softly, softly' approach as we work through it. We, at this point, have decided to be absolutely open with our children from an early age, in a 'no biggee' kinda way - there will never be a 'we need to talk to you' discussion, we just want it to be something they have always known.
    Of course I'm going to be that kids Mum. I'm a good Mum, a loving, fun and amazing Mum, just like all of the other incredible Mums out there. That child will grow up in home filled with love, encouragement and laughter, and if they need to know more about a kind stranger who donated a seed so that we could build a beautiful person, I will share as much as I know.
    A donor is somebody who gives you something you need.
    We have told our parents, but we are undecided about everyone else. That might be a decision the child might make.
    There is talk about the laws of anonymity in SA changing in years to come - you can sign a consent to agree to contact if both parties register if future laws change.
    I didn't want to wait, I didn't want to beg, I didn't think we stood a chance here when we already have a child. So overseas was a no brainer.
    Hopefully it gives us a baby to love.
    ❤️

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  19. #30
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    DH has azoospermia (no sperm at all). We now have an amazing little girl from donor sperm.

    Obviously getting sperm is a whole lot easier than eggs, however I thought I would add my two cents on anon vs known.

    We considered a known donor, but decided it was all a bit too awkward.

    We have gone anon, but with agreement that the donor could be identified once DD is 18.

    We have been very open about the process. While I don't shout it from the roof tops, there are a lot of people that know.

    I have also written DD a book the explains the story. She is only 3 and more interested in how she got out of my tummy then anything else in the book. I know the questions are going to get more difficult.

    We saw a counselor and feel that it is best to be open about it.

    Such difficult decisions and ones that no one should have to make. Good luck what all your decisions.

    PS I have just checked on my sleeping cherub and I can't imagine life without her, the difficult decisions were so worth it.

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