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  1. #11
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    I do actually see a reason to stay....we used to have a lot of fun together (I hope we could again), I feel attached to him, we have common beliefs, we are (or were) good friends. I don't feel totally distant, yet. I feel adrift and lost. And very confused. I wish he would just stop this behaviour. To lose him, by walking away, would be incredibly difficult, not just practically. I would feel like a failure. I would feel such loss on my children's behalf too.

    Smurfy, yes exactly, why didn't he do something earlier? His attempts were just talk and no action. And it was all on me, so then he could change his behaviour. He is really acting like he's given up. Being pretty foul to be all the time at the moment, since I started to push for some action, and every calm attempt to raise the subject gets me nowhere.

    I downloaded 'Should I stay or should I go?' a couple of days ago. Reading the part about personality disorders, it rings a lot of bells actually. And that's scary. Because he's not going to see there's a problem. Its all twisted and put back onto me. It's like I'm going crazy, I actually doubt myself so much, and the validity of my feelings. I feel like the biggest drama queen. Going to keep reading and writing him a letter. My lease is up for renewal, maybe I should ask for a 6 month term this time in case I need to leave. So hard.

    Thanks for your advice, it's so helpful to have outside opinions, even though it's all from my perspective!

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  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    If you are still unsure whether to leave or stay, start to notice how you feel when you look at him. Do you see any reason to stay? do you feel any attachment to him. ? You have said the children don't feel happy to see him, so do you ever feel happy to see him? or are you just managing 'ok' until the next fight ?? It sounds like a very sad situation to be living in. Hugs, marie .
    Great advice Marie.

    Hang in there Bond Girl

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  5. #13
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    I have lots of thoughts based on what you've written, and I can empathise with so much of what you say. It's so hard/painful being at these crossroads.

    Can I suggest you write a pros and cons list about leaving and one about staying? Write down everything you can think of, no matter how small or insignificant, and be completely honest with yourself, and see where that takes you?

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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    I have lots of thoughts based on what you've written, and I can empathise with so much of what you say. It's so hard/painful being at these crossroads.

    Can I suggest you write a pros and cons list about leaving and one about staying? Write down everything you can think of, no matter how small or insignificant, and be completely honest with yourself, and see where that takes you?
    On the pros and cons list idea there's an interesting book called 'too good to leave too bad to stay' which is about being stuck in an ambivalent pattern and asks a series of questions to help you make a decision. It's a bit 'Americanised' and some of the questions aren't so relevant but gives an interesting perspective. Here's a summary of the questions https://divorcesource.wordpress.com/...o-bad-to-stay/
    @Bond Girl there's so much sadness in your post. If he is refusing counseling or action to improve things after you've said how hurt you are by the current course of the relationship then a trial separation might be the next option, as much as it hurts and is very scary. If he's not willing to change then he's putting the ball firmly in your court to decide to put up with it or leave. You have a heavy weight on your shoulders. Have you spoken to your mum for support while she's here? Hugs hon xx

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  8. #15
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    Also my go to recommend is an article called something like the Four Relationship Horsemen. Google it and you should be able to download it.

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    My marriage wasn't at that same place as yours but 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman turned our marriage around!!

    Basically we all like to receive love in different ways...if we don't give love in the way the person likes to receive it, then they won't feel loved.

    Go to the website...there's a free quiz to assess your love language. I promise you it's not mumbo jumbo xx

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    I agree with what everyone has said so far, and just wanted to state that staying together for the kids etc is rarely the right choice. I also have not been in your situation and can't talk from experience. But I want to offer a different perspective.
    You promised yourself to him in sickness or health. If he got really ill and needed you to care for him, you would likely do this without a seconds thought. It may help to consider that his actions are part of a mental illness (you've already suggested this to be likely) and therefore he really just needs your help. Professional help is a vital first step.
    Was this the first time you've brought it up seriously? I think you've put so many years into this relationship it deserves more than a few initial attempts at contact.

    I just want to be clear; I'm not insinuating you're doing anything wrong, or that he isn't at fault here. I just wanted to play devils advocate for you xx
    Best of luck. Regardless of how this plays out, the next few years will be very hard. I truly hope it's a productive sort of hard and you both come out the other end stronger.

  11. #18
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    Thanks everyone for the reading recommendations, I will look into them all. Any food for thought is helpful!
    And gingermillie, yes I have spoken to my mum as she see's his behaviour and has for many years. She has born the brunt of it several times too! He has no shame when it comes to trying to argue in front of other family, and its very embarrassing. Why does he do that?! He wont even attempt to lower his voice. So yes my mum knows how difficult he is and I've said I don't know how much more I can take....

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsTugs View Post
    I agree with what everyone has said so far, and just wanted to state that staying together for the kids etc is rarely the right choice. I also have not been in your situation and can't talk from experience. But I want to offer a different perspective.
    You promised yourself to him in sickness or health. If he got really ill and needed you to care for him, you would likely do this without a seconds thought. It may help to consider that his actions are part of a mental illness (you've already suggested this to be likely) and therefore he really just needs your help. Professional help is a vital first step.
    Was this the first time you've brought it up seriously? I think you've put so many years into this relationship it deserves more than a few initial attempts at contact.

    I just want to be clear; I'm not insinuating you're doing anything wrong, or that he isn't at fault here. I just wanted to play devils advocate for you xx
    Best of luck. Regardless of how this plays out, the next few years will be very hard. I truly hope it's a productive sort of hard and you both come out the other end stronger.
    I agree, if he really is sick I will help. I am trying to do that now, but at the end of the day he has to agree he needs it! I've been saying about making appointments or doing email counselling when he says we have no time to go.

    But I am mostly worried about the impact on the kids. So although I could stick it out longer on my own I can't continue forever if it's not in their best interests. I want it to work, I want my kids to have their parents together, but not if it's detrimental.

    No it's not the first time I've brought it up. We've had problems for years and seen relationship counsellors twice (several visits each). Most recently 5 yrs ago. So lots has changed since then, two more kids and much more stress. He's been getting worse. Last week was the first attempt for a while, and it feels different, like I know it needs to change now or that's it. Its really serious now. We've lived like this for a long time. I truly want to help him but he's not allowing me at this stage.

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    I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds like such a difficult situation.
    Can I just say, I don't think pro/con lists work in these situations. When I was going through a similar situation I went to a psychologist who really helped clarify things for me, and encouraged me not to make pros and cons lists because some things hold more weight than others, some are non-negotiable, etc. Instead he managed to ask me certain questions that really helped me clarify what to do.

    I think it would be a good idea for you to get counselling for yourself, even if he won't, just to sort through your own feelings on it. I also totally agree on with the comment someone made about 50/50 effort. You can only do so much; he has to meet you halfway. Hopefully that will change when he sees how serious it is and will make the effort to get help.


 

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