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  1. #1
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    Default Don't know what to do to save my marriage

    After many years of problems, I am coming to a point where I may have to walk away from my marriage.

    DH appears depressed and very stressed. He's often not very nice towards us, the way he speaks is terrible and he's very short tempered. It's not like it all the time. But it's having a massive impact.

    Recently, my awareness of this has been building, not sure why. And although I've been passive about it for a long while, just due to not knowing what to do to help improve things, I spoke to him last week and several times since about us getting some help. Both for his apparent depression and our relationship. I've been very calm, non accusing, and said I just want to get things sorted.

    However, all I've got in response is a brick wall of denial and anger about why I'm doing this now and not before.....So I feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. He blames his behaviour on our relationship problems, rather than taking ownership of how he acts, and just stood in front of me going on and on, almost shouting, for a good few minutes while I just sat there unable to speak. He literally shouted me down.

    No matter what I apparently haven't done before, shouldn't it count that I'm doing it now? Trying to help and take action?

    I said, when I could get a word in, either he wants to do this or he doesn't. He said he doesn't because it's too little too late from me. I said ok, that's it then. I don't want it to be, but I can't continue like this for the rest of my life, and he won't agree to come to see a counsellor to help us change. He thinks I'm trying to blame everything on him by saying he's depressed. But that's not true.

    If that truly is it over, I have no idea what to do. Our family are overseas, though have mum visiting at the moment. We rent a house and cannot afford to live separately, I don't think. I work part time, three kids. I couldn't manage here on my own looking after them.

    Just really struggling to get my head around the future if he won't come on board and accept some marriage counseling and mental health services for depression.....

    TIA for any advice

  2. #2
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    Counselling is a good start.

    I would also suggest you get yourself a copy of the following books:

    Lundy Bancroft - Should I stay or should I go
    Lundy Bancrof - Why does he do that

    Here is a blurb on the first book:
    http://www.shouldistayorshouldigo.net/

    Books available from Amazon. I believe there is a free pdf of Why does he do that.

    I had years of individual and marriage counselling, but found the above books gave me more insight into my situation than any counsellor could.

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  4. #3
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    Hey lovely

    No advice I'm afraid but I didn't want to read and run.

    I went through a break up where everything was my fault and the gaslighting that occurred through the therapy etc did me more damage than just walking away would have done. Can you set up a private bank account and start saving some money? Maybe have a chat to Centrelink and see where you would stand?

    You can get payments even if you are separated but still living together if you sign the paperwork. Maybe you could do that for a while?

    Big hugs, I'm so sorry you're at this point.

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    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 05-10-2016 at 22:31.

  7. #5
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    Ooh, and I'll also add the best thing my therapist told me that I apply to everyone relationship/friendship in my life now - that I could only ever put in my 50%. If I put in my whole 50 and he only put in 5%, then we still didn't have a relationship and I was the one busting my ****.

    So your question about what *you* can do? You can do everything in your power but it's not just on *you* to salvage your marriage, if that's what you want to do.

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    hugs, bondgirl. You can get through this whatever direction it goes. You are not responsible for his side of the marriage, nor are you responsible for his mental health. Is there anyone, he can talk with, since he doesn't want to go to counselling. ? like his father or a friend, or a good gp. ?? He needs to own his behaviour, and to see what he is doing to the family. best of luck, marie.

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    Hi there,

    I agree what previous posts said and to add it is a two way street.
    What you could also try is writing letters which contain your feelings towards your husband, what you are worried about, what you want changed etc.
    See what he says and let him know how important this is to you and how you want to become a better partner etc...

    I had a friend that tried this approach due to the nature of not being confrontational and it saved her marriage. today they are better towards one another and so far all is good.

    If he stilll doesn't want to change anything and always blames you.... Then you need to think of other ways of getting through to him otherise you will leave him....
    IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO
    XXOXOX and best of luck

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    Thanks everyone for your kind responses.

    I will definitely look into the Lundy Bancroft books, they sound helpful. Knowing whether I should stay or go is key. I will keep fighting if I know I'll get a positive result, but it's pointless if he won't change.

    He doesn't really have anyone to talk to. His dad passed away some time ago. His mum is in the UK, don't think he'd want to discuss it with her to be honest, and he doesn't have any close friends. That's part of the problem I think. He's never satisfied with where we live , every time we move there's a problem with the house or area.

    And yes letter writing is a good idea because then I can get my feelings out without being shouted down or talked over. I hate how attempts at honest and calm conversations are turned into fights almost immediately. I dont want to even try anymore.

    Maybe therapy would be pointless if he's unwilling to change anyway, I'm not sure if he could/would. He's pretty much been like this from early on in the relationship, just getting worse in recent years, the stress of three children doesn't help I guess. He doesn't handle stress well.

    I know I'm not blamless, we have quite a negative dynamic that's built up over the years and become 'normal'. I can be unkind too. So I'm willing to work to change that. But when I explain that he still keeps insisting that I'm not accepting any responsibility and trying to shift all blame onto him. And I'm like "did you listen to a word I just said?!" I can say whatever I want and he'll change it to suit him anyway! He can't see that despite my part in our problems, he is the one who inflames multiple situations, gas lights, loses the plot over small things, is cranky with the kids a great deal of the time and generally makes life unpleasant. I feel for him because the kids are saying they don't like daddy. They want me to do things for them, not him. It must hurt so much. But will be take ownership of that? Of course not. He says it's because he's the bad cop who actually follows through with discipline, and I just give in. Which is completely untrue. He just makes stuff up!!!

    Anyway, sorry for the rant.

    It's hard now because we're not fighting constantly, he's come home from work in a pleasant enough mood, and I think "Ok, we can just carry on".....until the next time. Which there will be. I guess making plans, saving, talking to Centrelink will help me too.

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    If you are still unsure whether to leave or stay, start to notice how you feel when you look at him. Do you see any reason to stay? do you feel any attachment to him. ? You have said the children don't feel happy to see him, so do you ever feel happy to see him? or are you just managing 'ok' until the next fight ?? It sounds like a very sad situation to be living in. Hugs, marie .

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    Huge hugs.

    If he's saying it's too little too late, it sounds like he's already given up on the marriage.

    I think I'd be specifically asking if he still wants to be married. If he doesn't, there's not much you can do about it.

    It also sounds like he's playing the victim card. You should have done something earlier - well if he realised there were issues, why didn't HE do something earlier?

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