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  1. #11
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    I would be furious!
    Seeing as it's not a once off I would ban him from the party and make him do something kind for his brother. Plus a hand written apology letter.

  2. #12
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    Default Help me calm down.. What is an appropriate consequence for this

    I'm not sure doing something for his brother 'as a punishment' is necessarily a great idea depending on how you package the idea, he may just resent his brother more.
    I would have a chat about it before bed for the next few nights. Maybe head to bed 15 mins early as punishment and talk through what happened and why it's so hurtful. You could reinforce this a few nights in a row. The book 'have you filled a bucket today' is a great resource for teaching kids consequences of their actions on others.
    Does he have something he really loves like iPad or soccer ball. I'd probably focus on an early bed time with a chat and a withdraw of a precious item in which he can earn back for good behaviour. Good luck
    Last edited by bel2466; 04-10-2016 at 18:19.

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  4. #13
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    I'd make him miss out on the party.
    I remember as a kid, my mum cancelled my party once (I was 8, remember it vividly) because I cut my sisters hair for the 3rd time. It took something as serious as cancelling my party for me to realise "oh sh*t, maybe I can't get away with it every time). For me as a kid, my mum said small punishments didn't bother me. Banning me from the TV etc she said I couldn't care less.
    But to this day, I remember my party being cancelled. I was mortified and my mum said since then my behaviour was near perfect. It made me think about things before I did them, and whether doing something would be worth the consequence.
    It's also made me want to be the tough mum, that my mum was to me. Because now as an adult, I appreciate it.

  5. #14
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    I'll look this book up. I think it could be good for both of them.

    Thanks.

  6. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by babymummatobe View Post
    I'd make him miss out on the party.
    I remember as a kid, my mum cancelled my party once (I was 8, remember it vividly) because I cut my sisters hair for the 3rd time. It took something as serious as cancelling my party for me to realise "oh sh*t, maybe I can't get away with it every time). For me as a kid, my mum said small punishments didn't bother me. Banning me from the TV etc she said I couldn't care less.
    But to this day, I remember my party being cancelled. I was mortified and my mum said since then my behaviour was near perfect. It made me think about things before I did them, and whether doing something would be worth the consequence.
    It's also made me want to be the tough mum, that my mum was to me. Because now as an adult, I appreciate it.
    And I'm half way to being tough, but it's hard work.

    I've told him I'm seriously considering not allowing him to attend the party. We'll see he he goes. He still has to deal with DH when he gets home.

  7. #16
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    Default Help me calm down.. What is an appropriate consequence for this

    As PP's have alluded to look into anger management strategies. Positive rewards, useful hints. A never ending deadline (no IPad until Xmas) is not going to work.

    Instead of canceling his attendance at DS2's party outright , perhaps you could let ds1 know that he can only go if he does certain things
    (Apologies, chooses 3 x nice things to do for ds2, explains to you why violence is not right). Ds1 may not comply however at least then that reduces the guilt for you. As for family who gives a shiz. Just tell them he's not coming and that's all you're going to say. Nipping this violence in the bud is more important that satisfying sticky beaker relatives.

    Also, if your ds2 has played a role in antagonizing his brother Address that too. Don't give him a free ride for any unacceptable behavior just because he came off worse. It will help gain your ds1's trust to know you aren't playing favourites.

    Good luck

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  9. #17
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    I think that missing the party is excessive, especially as removal of privileges has already been proven not to work. Once kids feel like they are in a deep hole they stop trying to climb out and just keep digging.

    Ultimately, you want to do something to stop this behavior entirely. You have the iPad as the perfect motivator here to encourage the desired behaviour. I would sit down and explicitly go through what behaviors are unwanted (hitting, scratching, kicking, jumping on, etc) and explain that if he can get through each day without any of the negative behaviours, he can have 10 minutes on the iPad once he's ready for bed on time.

    Then, if he makes it to 7 days, he can have an hour on Sat or Sun. You could keep this going, eg. A month = a day of iPad time etc. So you are still sticking to the iPad being banned - it is not 'his' anymore, but he can see what he needs to do to earn it. (A chart would be useful to keep a visual record). Don't start trying to lump other negative behaviours in to the whole "successful day" thing, eg. Giving a cross because he answered back or refused to do a chore. Just keep it focused on building a new habit of non contact and use separate consequences for anything else.

    I'd also involve his brother, explaining that he needs to help DS1 to earn his reward by not pushing his buttons as well. That that is what nice brothers do for each other, they help each other.

    My DS is only 3 but he has a real sensory-seeking random-acts-of-violence streak, so I'm sure I'll be in your shoes soon enough as well!

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  11. #18
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    Gosh, no way on earth i would let him miss the party. And i am a mum of a very hard work ds1. There needs to be another answer. Will come back later.

  12. #19
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    Put a ban on your DS1 on his fav things till DS2 gets well soon. Also add a responsibility (more of a service) on DS2's menu, by DS1 till everything fixes.


 

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