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  1. #21
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    I think at 13 it's more than ok to dye your hair.
    It's not her fault if she looks older and to deny her on these grounds I think would be unfair and unreasonable. Foils are hardly inappropriate or outrageous or permanent (hair grows back).
    I think it's great that she asked you first.
    And much better than a DIY job.

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  3. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unschooling4 View Post
    Well it's her "mistake" to make isn't it. We all don't always make the right decisions in life. Yes as parents we guide our children but we need to understand that our kids and teens won't always do the right thing or make the right choice and that's ok. As parents we are here to talk. Not judge. I'm pretty radical with my parenting though. Mistakes are part of growing and learning. I let my kids make their own decisions in life. I wasn't aleays this way, but I have learnt to let go. Doesn't mean I'm lazy or I don't care. I often talk with my kids about different things, about the pros and cons, empathy, outcomes, etc etc. I don't punish or judge. My kids make their own decisions with education (we unschool but if they did want to go back to school I wouldn't stop them), chores, what they eat. They learn to self regulate. Do I agree with everything they do? No. But it's not my life. It's theirs. And no. My kids aren't running amok eating junk food all day.


    Anyway sorry to hijack.. I'm just saying so many people are too scared to let their kids/teens make their own decisions and need to stand back. Educate them, walk ti them about your concerns etc but at the end of the day let them make their own choices.
    How does that work though if she can't afford to pay for it? You'd allow your child to make a bad choice because she couldn't afford to make a better choice? Or would you pay for it but still it's her choice (you've just guided her towards a better choice iykwim).

    Genuinely trying to understand. I had a very strict upbringing and I was not particularly rebellious. I partly agree with your sentiments but could see how they could get out of control.

  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unschooling4 View Post
    Well it's her "mistake" to make isn't it. We all don't always make the right decisions in life. Yes as parents we guide our children but we need to understand that our kids and teens won't always do the right thing or make the right choice and that's ok. As parents we are here to talk. Not judge. I'm pretty radical with my parenting though. Mistakes are part of growing and learning. I let my kids make their own decisions in life. I wasn't aleays this way, but I have learnt to let go. Doesn't mean I'm lazy or I don't care. I often talk with my kids about different things, about the pros and cons, empathy, outcomes, etc etc. I don't punish or judge. My kids make their own decisions with education (we unschool but if they did want to go back to school I wouldn't stop them), chores, what they eat. They learn to self regulate. Do I agree with everything they do? No. But it's not my life. It's theirs. And no. My kids aren't running amok eating junk food all day.


    Anyway sorry to hijack.. I'm just saying so many people are too scared to let their kids/teens make their own decisions and need to stand back. Educate them, walk ti them about your concerns etc but at the end of the day let them make their own choices.
    Hmm ... I agree that kids need some level of autonomy, but I think parental guidance is definitely necessary until they are old enough to fully understand the risks and long term consequences of their choices.

    I know in this particular case the risks aren't huge - it's a hair colour. But I think the philosophy itself could get really dangerous, really quickly. For example, if your healthy weight teenage daughter decides to start dieting until she is well and truly underweight ... Is it still 'her body, her decision'?

    I do think kids need to learn to make their own decisions, but I think just letting them do whatever they want could be problematic in the long term.

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  6. #24
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    Would a nice haircut make her feel better about her hair? My hair colour is dark blonde normally and I find getting a good (interesting - within reason!) cut makes me feel like it looks different and nicer.

  7. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shoopuf View Post
    Thanks for clarifying! All these years that my hairdresser has said 'Demi-permanent' and I thought she had a speech impediment!!! Omg I feel so stupid Learn something new every day, hey?
    Hahaha! I know I've had worse d'uh moments though! I'm not a hairdresser, just a hair colouring geek - just a shame I'm so inept at cutting hair or I could have made a career of it!

  8. #26
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    I just went through the same thing with my DD, she wanted to get lighter foils in her hair but I told her no and she said she just wanted something that makes her feel good so I made her a deal that if she finds a colour that can be done with temporary/semi permanent hair dye that won't wreck her hair and will wash out over time I would take her to the hairdresser and get it done but if she went behind my back and did it with a friend with cheap supermarket products then deals off. It ended up with her having a beautiful teal put on the ends of her dirty blonde hair in a ombré look that washed out in 4 weeks and because I booked in and got my hair done at the same time we had a really nice mother/daughter girl time at the salon.

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  10. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unschooling4 View Post
    Well it's her "mistake" to make isn't it. We all don't always make the right decisions in life. Yes as parents we guide our children but we need to understand that our kids and teens won't always do the right thing or make the right choice and that's ok. As parents we are here to talk. Not judge. I'm pretty radical with my parenting though. Mistakes are part of growing and learning. I let my kids make their own decisions in life. I wasn't aleays this way, but I have learnt to let go. Doesn't mean I'm lazy or I don't care. I often talk with my kids about different things, about the pros and cons, empathy, outcomes, etc etc. I don't punish or judge. My kids make their own decisions with education (we unschool but if they did want to go back to school I wouldn't stop them), chores, what they eat. They learn to self regulate. Do I agree with everything they do? No. But it's not my life. It's theirs. And no. My kids aren't running amok eating junk food all day.


    Anyway sorry to hijack.. I'm just saying so many people are too scared to let their kids/teens make their own decisions and need to stand back. Educate them, walk ti them about your concerns etc but at the end of the day let them make their own choices.
    Sometimes we don't have the breadth of knowledge to appropriately guide our children with every decision though. Taking her daughter to a hairdresser (who has the knowledge) can help steer her towards the best choice, which could even be to leave it as is.

    I don't feel that giving children freedoms and autonomy needs to be a passive process on the parents part. My dad wanted us to learn through error. His idea of teaching us to ride a bike was to sit us at the top of a hill on a bike and push. This approach offered me no support and just resulted in damage and fear, whereas taking risks with support can build confidence.

    I know it seems like a sideways step in the conversation but we're talking about a teenage girl starting to struggle with body image due to acne. If she makes a horrendous mistake with her hair her self image is possibly going to be smashed to pieces until she feels good about her hair again. Why not, as a parent, intervene so there is a more measured risk being taken rather than complete recklessness?

    (Not saying your kids are reckless btw, just saying that it can be hard to set our kids up to make the bst decision every time and, IMO, there will be Ikey ones where a higher level of active guidance is beneficial.)
    Last edited by Stretched; 26-09-2016 at 12:41.

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  12. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unschooling4 View Post
    What are you afraid of? It's her body/hair so her choice.
    But when she's 13, assuming she doesn't have her own income, whoever is paying has a big say in it.

  13. #29
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    I'd say no if it were me.

    I think 13 is a bit too young for my liking. Nails, hair at this age, then what's next at 16? I think it's a sliding scale.

    Secondly, the upkeep. Hair and nails are expensive!

    I'm a fuddy duddy though. I want allowed to do stuff and I wasn't very rebellious, so I try to raise my kids the same way.

    And thirdly, putting 'sun in' in your hair as a teenager is half the fun of growing up! Lol (ps that's a joke!)

  14. #30
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    I started getting my hair streaked when I was about that age. However, mum was a hairdresser so it's a bit different. A few streaks/foils in dark blonde hair is pretty natural looking so I wouldn't have a problem with it in theory.

    That said, once it's been done once she will probably want it done again (and again every 2 months for maintenance), and/or next time she might want something more extreme done etc. So if she does it she needs to understand cost and maintenance.

    I always think it pays to be open and honest and have an adult conversation rather than flat out banning. If I were 13 and my mum didn't let me colour my hair I probably would have gone to Coles and bought a home bleaching kit and done it myself, making a right mess of it! Thankfully mum had the insight to allow me to have some 'subtle' streaks which was enough to satisfy me, and prevent me from doing something stupid (I didn't do anything more extreme until I was 17 when I died my hair dark red!).

    Considering your DD went and got her nails done without permission it's a good thing that she has asked for permission with her hair. It's a really good opportunity to work 'with her' rather than put up a 'no' barrier at what is a very tricky age for girls.

    And I really don't think it's too young, but that's just my opinion

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