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  1. #101
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    So has your partner stopped yelling at the kids all the time now? Because I felt sad when I read that a while ago. I don't yell as a general and neither does my husband. Sure, there are many things we can do better as parents and the same goes for everyone but I reflect every day on my parenting and the only time alarm bells should be ringing is when I stop reflecting because that's when I would've stopped improving/evolving.

    My children are extremely happy and that's all that matters to me. They are allowed to make their own mistakes and they know that's how they learn but they also know we still love them. But it's still ok for them to know they have disappointed someone and learn to deal with how that makes them feel. The other day my eldest daughter did something that she knew would annoy me yet she came to tell me straight away because even though she knows I would've been annoyed, she still felt safe enough to tell me her mistake. And sometimes they just have to do what we say, like eat *some* veges on their plate
    He still does at times but we are both learning strategies to manage our anger. And I do agree that kids need to know how others feel too. They do need to experience dissapointment through natural consequences not punishments.

  2. #102
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    Genuine question unschooling as I'm just trying to understand. One of your children doesn't want to brush their teeth. You explain not brushing leads to cavities, trips to the dentist etc. They blatantly refuse to brush at all.

    How would you handle that? Or would the natural consequence be to have rotten teeth?

  3. #103
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    To answer the OP, I have a DD almost that age and I'm dreading it Part of me wants her to just be her, to not want to dye her hair or pluck her eye brows bc she felt perfect as she is. We've raised her to accept and love all of herself. But then I also want to give her some say. I grew up in a totalitarism. It was awful. I think the 1/4 head of foils is a wonderful compromise, well done OP.

    As to this whole thing of no punishment and allowing them to do whatever they want. Sorry, but that's ridiculous. Children need guidance, boundaries with their input and predictability. To be clear, I parent in what I consider 'peaceful' ways. I don't smack, my kids co sleep, I don't sleep train. But I do yell sometimes, I own it, bc I'm human. I use time out, I remove privileges now my kids are older. They need to bathe and brush their teeth.

    I'm authoritative. I involve my kids in decision making, I consult, I listen. But DH and I have final say on 90% of things. Bc we are the parents with 80 years of life experience between us. They are expected to do homework.... which I think is a load of crap, but I see beyond that. Sometimes in the workplace you are paid to do tasks that are boring/annoying/you see no point in. We don't need to manipulate our kids to 'choose' to do things we actually want them to do under the guise of autonomy. We are transparent some things are non negotiable. That's life isn't it? I sure would like for DH not to have to go into work early today as I'm sick as is DS2. I wish I didn't have to clean the house or have the cost of registering 2 cars. But we don't live in our own bubble. Kids need to know that unfortunately life is full of doing things you don't feel like.
    I don't remove privlages because nobody does this to me as an adult. My kids always do things they don't want in order to get things they do want... Eg they want a clean bedroom to play in, they clean it's their choice. Not forced. This is a huge misconception about this style of parenting...that kids won't ever hsve to experience disappointment or not ever hsve to do things they don't enjoy but it's not true. But it's their choice and not forced. I don't know if I'm explaining myself properly. We all have to do things we don't like in order to get what we do want. As for working, well it's a choice where you work and what you put up with.

  4. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Genuine question unschooling as I'm just trying to understand. One of your children doesn't want to brush their teeth. You explain not brushing leads to cavities, trips to the dentist etc. They blatantly refuse to brush at all.

    How would you handle that? Or would the natural consequence be to have rotten teeth?
    This hasn't happened here so it's hard to answer but of course I would teach/explain about natural consequences and then I'd ask if they wanted me to brush their teeth for them, if they said no then I would suggest cleaning their teeth with a flannel/face washer whilst washing their face.. I don't know.

  5. #105
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    We do get privileges removed though. You speed, you lose the privilege of your licence. You don't hand in forms or stick to criteria to get paid by CL, they cut your payments. It's that we define privileges differently when we grow up.

    I'm not sure I agree that it's a choice where you work. Lots of people aren't well educated and have to settle for jobs they aren't fond of to pay the bills. That's part of being grown up. You sometimes have to do things you don't want to.

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  7. #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I'm genuinely interested too. Or if they didn't want to ever bathe. Or refused to take AB's for an ear infection. If after discussion and coaxing they still blatantly refused, what happens?
    My DS is 10 and is going through quite a defiant stage and started to refuse showering. We talked about hygiene etc and nope he still didn't want a shower. His head is up to my nose. I left it a few days and when he came in for a hug I flat out told him his hair stunk. Cue indignation and denial and I kept telling him how it smelt and that he's getting older blah blah, he got in the shower.

    If you refuse to take the ABs for example then you don't get better and life doesn't stop - all school and paid activities continue regardless of how tired or unwell you feel if you refuse to help yourself.

    We talk a lot of about decisions and decision making, good choices/poor choices and consequences of decisions - even if we think we are making a good decision.

    So far we haven't hit any major hurdles bar the shower but I'm dreading the teens, I know it's coming.


 

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