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  1. #11
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    Default Where do you stand on your partner having friends of the opposite sex?

    He is an a$$hole. Sorry, but if it were me I'd be calling time on your marriage. There's A LOT of lying, and if the events were isolated I would think it would be salvageable, but there is way too much distrust.

    To answer your question I am happy for my husband to have female friends and I trust him implicitly, but I wouldn't if I read those messages between him and other women, they are totally inappropriate and don't come from someone who is happy in their marriage. Depression is a hard thing to deal with but if we doesn't want help then you can't make him, and TBH it doesn't sound like he wants help. He is having everything done for him and there is little reason to change.

    I honestly believe you need to separate, even as a trial, it might give him the kick up the bum he needs. If it doesn't, you know the marriage was going to end anyway - 8 years is a long time to be unhappy.

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  3. #12
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    Thanks for the replies.
    We are separated at the moment (for almost 3 weeks now) He seems keen on getting back together, although I need to organise a session of marriage counselling to talk about this issue with his other 'girlfriends' that's become a dealbreaker for me. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting there, thanks. To be perfectly fair I'm not an innocent party here either as we've had years of not communicating and generally not being nice to each other- it's worked both ways. I definitely haven't given him any reason not to trust me throughout the years though.
    I'm going to suggest as a solution (if he comes to the party and is actually interested in changing) that I be included in all FB messages to girls, emails etc- and ask for total honesty about interations with opposite sex friends at work etc- do you think that's ok or should I be saying I want a complete ban on all opposite sex friends?

    Also is it normal for partners to want access (or know the passwords) to each other's fb, email accounts, phones?

    I want to know for myself I've tried everything I can for this marriage, so if he comes to the party I'll give him another chance, but I dont' want to be taken for a ride either.

  4. #13
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    My ex husband is the same as yours.. Though mine was probably worse.

    He also would use his depression as an excuse for his behaviour. I forgave and forgave and forgave him. Over and over again. I desperately wanted to believe that if we ever got the depression under control, then everything was going to be ok. If I just loved him more and took better care of him, he'd get better. I came to the conclusion that he LIKES having depression. It gives him an excuse for appalling behaviour. And he'd constantly find women who'd treat him like a bird with a broken wing. Want to nurture him back to health.

    In hindsight, I should never have wasted my time with him. And no other woman alive should waste their time on my ex. No woman will ever be enough him.

    That's just my experience. I won't tell you what to do, but my kids and I are so much happier with him out of our lives.

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  6. #14
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    There's his relationship with the children and his relationship with you. Frankly my preference would be for him to build the relationship with the kids before you let him rebuild his relationship with you. I would make him come to the house after work or study, help around the house with the kids and then send him back to his place. If he's at all interested in you and the family he will get his **** together and prioritise all of you. You can't mother 3 kids and a husband. You can certainly do much better. Good luck.

  7. #15
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    i agree with all others wrote
    doesnt look good
    why does he want to get back together with you
    are you a good breadwinner
    will he lose too much financially eg the house
    i would really be suspect about why he wants to get back together with you

    you and your marraige could be in messages withgirls on facebook but better still
    NO MESSAGING GIRLS

    apparentl guys dont have affairs for the sex as much as for the emotional connection of being heard, treated nicely , made to feel like the king of the universe

    i have bought
    the art of love relationship series of different years since 2013 which each year there is 30 or so world wide experts who talk about relationships all aspects and you can listen to them and learn some hints

    i learnt how to talk really lovingly gently even when stressed or angry
    how toxic anger criticism hurt judgement are
    When we talk really lovingly gently with no hurts or criticisms nothing that can make a man defensive then they open more and are more cooperative in talking aobut things

    what would happen if you went away for weekends or had date nights to talk alone without pressure
    what would happen if you hired more help to be less stressed
    what would happen if you went away alone to really think about all the issues as i find when i do this that the world stops and i realise all sorts of things, questions for your spouse or for professionals, choices, stresses and solutions to t hem and plus it refreshes me
    what are experts saying
    are they saying HE TREAT YOU REALLY BADLY RUN?
    one way also to reduce stress while raising kids is to space out how often you do things eg if you change sheets every week maybe change them every second week, if you do it every second week maybe do it every 3rd week, just find ways to reduce or delegate stress

    is there any good from your husband
    is he a good breadwinner
    does he give you all the money
    what did he say re the secret account
    is he on his way out keeping you till he finds someone better with a better house someone new
    what are his complaints against you
    is there really hope
    dont go back together before things are worked out.
    i dont know if you can fix trust once such enormous breaches have occured with
    the
    messages
    complements
    sexual messages
    date
    lies
    secret bank account


    we look at men as beign strong but they arent they are so sensitive and how we treat them emotionally makes them have more of a chance to stay with us and not cheat, though not always but thats would be one thing to work on whether fo rthis or your kids or any future relationship to be able to communicate lovingly briefly makingbrief positive requests instead of long complaints, gently without anger jabs judgement. making men feel like the king of the universe
    allowing for differences of how you do things differently
    and yes many couples have access to emails and passwords and can read them with no secrets or find ways to see them .

    this really doesnt sound good. i wish you all the best for the best resolution ever

    what good do you have about him to focus on

    are there other issues such as asbergers as some aspergers are not monogamous types and get very anxious, men can also generally get stresses and need support, some aspergers can be in love the first couple of years but when the first hormones of falling in love fade they fall out of love and with their anxious nature can just keep chasing others.
    antidepressants or the balance of diffrent medications properly given by a psychiatrist might help to be calm and not manically seek out other females, and might help him be calm with stresses instead of erratic.

    i really wish you well

  8. #16
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    So I've read everything that has been said and I agree with them. To your response that you are seperated ATM. I would have to agree to keep it that way. Get the counselling. The kids need to come first though he needs to build trust with them also and contribute immensely towards their upbringing while not in the house at all.

    As for him continuing to have have females friends that are not work colleagues that to me is a definite no go zone. What's to say he won't continue to say sexual things behind your back and delete it so you won't see it ? The girls have to go and go for good. The pictures he has on his phone of them I can only imagine (gross) what he was doing with them !

    My DP and I know each other's passwords but we have nothing to hide he is friends only with females that we both know and vice versa with males although I know guys at work but I don't interact nor talk to them outside of work unless it was and is for a social work function. I was talking to one of dp's mates on FB the other night about his divorce and custody battles as I've been there and done that and DP has no issue with it but I don't have FB as we share an account with just a few close friends of mine on his.

    If he can't agree on any terms that you put forward I think the writing is on the wall and you won't be able to get up and repair the damage.

    It's hard for you with 3 kids and one of those has a disability but it's not worth staying with him for the sake of the kids when he can't pull his finger out of his a@@@ to help you do anything.

    A lot of us have been in your position although not exactly the same and come out stronger. Me for one. I don't take crap from anyone

  9. #17
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    Wowsers OP there are so many issues here and you are most certainly not overreacting! I'm going to dot point as I have a lot to say lol

    * Yes DH and I know some pw's of each other but not for checking up. And neither accesses each other's FB or email bc we trust one another. I know if I was to log them right now, I wouldn't find anything even slightly bad.
    * In our marriage, your DH's behaviour is absolutely cheating, and is a deal breaker.
    * He may have depression but that isn't an excuse to be a jerk. Millions of people with depression don't do any of what he does.
    * Any marriage can be salvaged but both have to invest in the process. If he isn't willing to actively try (and 'just turning up' is just a slap in the face to you and the marriage), I'm sorry but there is no hope.
    * He seems to have an intense sense of self entitlement. To the money he was spending behind your back. To not have to contribute emotionally or physically to the family. To be unfaithful.

    If I were you, I would stay separated. Permanently. He doesn't even begin to deserve you.

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  11. #18
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    Default Where do you stand on your partner having friends of the opposite sex?

    There are several issues here which are related but are big issues to address on their own. The question started as "where do you stand on your partner having friends of the opposite sex". This on its own is one topic which could go either way, but coupled with your husband's dishonesty (lying about where he is going, sending secret messages in large volume, secret bank accounts - even before you had kids, telling his friends, whether female or male, about your marriage issues behind your back..), and then his depression, suicidal tendencies, and being a complete lack of support for your high health needs child, well, I'm sorry to say, his female friends are the least of your concerns.

    You said yourself that after he left, you felt less stress, like you had one less child to deal with. If I was in your shoes, and I can't even begin to imagine how hard those shoes would be to fill (you sound like an absolute super mum, honestly, massive respect to you!), I would not waste a single cent on marriage counselling. Save that money for yourself and your kids and start a life without the dead weight.

    You 100% deserve better!

    As for the original question, I'm fine with DH having female friends. Maybe I would feel differently if they were constantly in his life, or if he had more female friends than male friends. I'm not really the jealous type. And porn doesn't bother me. I like porn myself, so I would be a massive hypocrite if I didn't want him watching. As for messaging, he has one female friend from poker (she has her own poker gig that she runs daily and he helps her a lot with business ideas etc, plus he cashes at the games all the time, so #winning!). They message each other daily on messenger. If I found her attractive or any sort of competition, I'm not going to lie, it would bother me a lot. But he is very open with me about everything, he even asks me to reply to her messages for him if he doesn't have his hands free..

    It comes down to trust and respect. If you have those things, you don't need to worry about who your significant other is friends with.
    Last edited by witherwings; 24-09-2016 at 13:04.

  12. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheMadHatter View Post
    Thanks for the replies.
    We are separated at the moment (for almost 3 weeks now) He seems keen on getting back together, although I need to organise a session of marriage counselling to talk about this issue with his other 'girlfriends' that's become a dealbreaker for me. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting there, thanks. To be perfectly fair I'm not an innocent party here either as we've had years of not communicating and generally not being nice to each other- it's worked both ways. I definitely haven't given him any reason not to trust me throughout the years though.
    I'm going to suggest as a solution (if he comes to the party and is actually interested in changing) that I be included in all FB messages to girls, emails etc- and ask for total honesty about interations with opposite sex friends at work etc- do you think that's ok or should I be saying I want a complete ban on all opposite sex friends?

    Also is it normal for partners to want access (or know the passwords) to each other's fb, email accounts, phones?

    I want to know for myself I've tried everything I can for this marriage, so if he comes to the party I'll give him another chance, but I dont' want to be taken for a ride either.
    Why is he keen to get back together? He complains to his female friends about you, making you sound like a dragon lady, and then he is constantly depressed. Have you asked him to list the specific reasons he wants to get back together? If it's just for the kids, then he can always be involved with them, without having to be in a relationship with you. You could even be civil and friendly-like about it which will make it easier on the kids.

    I don't see the point in trying to make something work when you have already tried for years. He has crossed so many lines from what you have said, that I can't imagine how you would ever be able to trust him.

    I also can't see how he would ever agree to not have contact with female friends, since they are the only friends he has. This would only make him feel more depressed and isolated. And agreeing to keep you in the loop on conversations is quite awkward. And even if he did agree to that, there's nothing stopping him from having separate secret communications. You can't follow him around 24/7 or spy into all his emails/Facebook activities. It doesn't sound healthy at all.

    You deserve to be with someone who is trust worthy enough for none of that to ever be necessary.

    Is it normal for partners to have access to passwords? Well I personally can't see why not, because there shouldn't be any secrets in a healthy relationship. But sometimes people need to have their own "space" and if that means emails and Facebook to themselves, then I think that's ok. For example, I'm on a Facebook DIG where a lot of women comment about issues with their partners, and some women post naked photos of themselves (belly photos). I wouldn't want my DH privy to that because it's not fair to those women. But thankfully he isn't interested in the slightest in accessing my Facebook. Interestingly (as I had never considered this before), I know all his passwords but he doesn't know all of mine if he asked though, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him.

  13. #20
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    From my experience it's not going to get better. Only you can decide though of course. My first marriage was me putting all the effort in like yourself for my ex husband to be like your husband. He ended up leaving for another woman on Christmas Day when we had an 8 month, 3 year and 5 year old. I was devastated, I was in my marriage for the long hall, the counselling the lot. It took a long time to get over my marriage break down. But I am a better woman and mother for it and I found the love of my life, my now husband is incredible honest, loyal and respectful everything my ex husband wasnt.

    I guess I'm saying, when one door closes more will open. Ask yourself what would you like your daughter to do if in your shoes? Would you wish for her to feel the way you do and put up with his inappropriate behaviour and yes it's very inappropriate or would you wish her to go through the tough times ahead but one day find peace and happiness within herself?

    Lots of love to you. Not an easy time. Sorry if I'm blunt. I married a South African and his bluntness has rubbed off which I love because there is no beating around the bush anymore lol.

    Xxx


 

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