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  1. #1
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    Default Issues with my parents coming to stay..

    Hi Hubbers,

    I just need some advice or perspective. I don't care if I'm told I'm being unreasonable as I've already been told (nicely) to suck it up by my DH and a friend

    I am an only child and for the best part of 20 years I lived in a different state from my parents. Visiting them (staying in their house or them staying in mine) was always HUGELY stressful for me after about Day 2. They just kinda sit around and expect me to sit around with them and we talk (same stories over and over and over). I love them but can only handle them in small doses... especially my mum.

    My parents were over the moon when I told them we were moving back to my home town. Not long after telling them (while we were still in our adopted city) my father informed me that after when we get up there they are going to sell their house and then live with us for 2 weeks in between settlement and moving into their retirement house. At 43 years old, I didn't particularly like being told what I will be doing in my own house but I let it slide. Since then it's been like that my dad (jokingly) telling me they are staying. I'd go 'thak's ok' and he'd go 'I know it's ok - we are staying' chuckle chuckle joke joke. And that's that apparently.

    I haven't felt entirely comfortable about this. They are putting stuff in storage and when we have delicately suggested there are ways to move from one house to another without having to move somewhere in between they have shot it down flat. They were adamant they are moving in with us for 2 weeks! End of story!

    So probably about 2 weeks after moving into our new house (we rented up here for half the year) they just put their house on the market. They had been talking about doing it in a 'couple of months' but then suddenly the sign was up and it was for sale. We still had boxes everywhere, I had started a new job and DS a new school. Again I just felt like there has been no consideration about us. So at this point, they are coming to stay with us for 2 weeks soon but we don't know when. We furiously started unpacking just in case.

    All along I have felt really uneasy about them staying. I like my space. I work long hours and I don't want to come home to them and have to 'talk' to them for hours when I come home. I know they will be super helpful, they don't expect to be waited on hand and foot but it's not the point.

    Anyhoo cut to 3 month down the track (now) and they have sold their house. This has been in the process for the last 2 weeks and yesterday mum was around, had been there for at least 30 mins and was talking about when they are coming to stay. I was looking at my calendar and saw that they are coming to stay 2.5 weeks before they had agreed to come and stay for a weekend to look after our kids (we are going away for a weekend flights are already booked). I mentioned that to her thinking what are they going to do with our kids when they are moving and she said 'Oh no, well be here at least a month'......

    They didn't tell me. I was in shock and said 'but you never told me - that's too long' and she just avoided the question like she normally does with confrontation. She alluded that with the timing etc etc but I said to her "Whether you sold the house last week or in a month it doesn't change the fact you have always been expecting to stay for a month. Why weren't you up front with me?" I felt totally ambushed!!

    My DH is very family orientated and said that he thinks I am being slightly unreasonable even though he doesn't really want them here for a month. My friends say that this is a big change for them and I should support them. So I rang mum and told them if they need a month they can stay here but they need to be up-front with me. If things change on Wednesday (for example) I expect a phonecall on Wednesday. I don't like finding out things by accident.

    But I just feel angry that first I was informed they were staying with me (didn't ask me just told me), then they have always said two weeks but they always meant four. When were they going to tell me? When they were on my front steps with their bags?

    I just needed to get this out. I feel terrible but at most I only want them here for a couple of days at most and now it looks like a month (or more...).

  2. #2
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    I'd be annoyed too... but there's not much you can do about it, unfortunately, if you want to keep a relationship with them, i don't think. Maybe try to focus on the positives, and put them to work? 😉 Eg babysitting? Gardening if they like it?

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    Naboo  (19-09-2016)

  4. #3
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    Thanks. I'll definitely be putting them to work. But I feel like they are going to be upset with me now anyway as I've already said 1 month has been too long because I felt ambushed.

    If they had approached this a different way. Asking to stay for two weeks then asking to stay for 4 instead if telling me they are staying for 2 weeks then letting me find out by accident they always meant 4....

    They still don't have anything lined up by the way. They were going to wait 2 weeks before they were even going to contact the retirement village.

    I just don't want this at all

  5. #4
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    Default Issues with my parents coming to stay..

    Try to go into it with a positive outlook - I know that it's hard, but just try your best.

    Think of how nice it is for your kids to make memories with them.

    I have been living with my parents for 9 months. Truthfully, it's yuk. I hate it, I feel like my relationship with them is being ruined. But I am trying to be positive if only for the fact that my kids adore them and love being in the house. But my countdown clock is on, 3 months to go!

    Good luck, hopefully it's better than what you think it will be like!

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    Naboo  (19-09-2016)

  7. #5
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    I think I would be annoyed too. My brother recently did something similar to my mum - he moved into her place with his wife and kids "for a few weeks while the house is being finished." They've been there for over 3 months already. The house is still not finished. They always knew it would be around the end of September. They've also not done a thing around the house, and just created more mess for mum.

    If they are going to stay for 4 weeks, I'd set some strict ground rules. Confirm date for them to leave, make sure they're helping out with cleaning and cooking, and their stuff has to stay in a certain area.

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    Naboo  (19-09-2016)

  9. #6
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    Oh god 9 months you poor person. You are a saint! Did you always know they would be staying so long?

    I feel like 1 month will negatively impact my relationship with my parents. By the end of my time living interstate I could barely be in the same room with them after two days of visiting. I never said anything but they suffocated me so much.

    Since we've been up here I feel like our relationship was on the mend. We'd visit or they would visit. Then we would go home. It was wonderful!!! Now they want to go back to where it was but for longer. I dont feel like I can cope with it!!

  10. #7
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    Thanks Skye and Tiny Dancer. I will put them to work dont you worry. But they will be there on my balcony when I get home from work week after week. Its the expectation I will sit around and talk. I only like visiters for a couple of days max.

    And what if they dont find a retirement house. They have always been silent around that

  11. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Naboo View Post
    Oh god 9 months you poor person. You are a saint! Did you always know they would be staying so long?

    I feel like 1 month will negatively impact my relationship with my parents. By the end of my time living interstate I could barely be in the same room with them after two days of visiting. I never said anything but they suffocated me so much.

    Since we've been up here I feel like our relationship was on the mend. We'd visit or they would visit. Then we would go home. It was wonderful!!! Now they want to go back to where it was but for longer. I dont feel like I can cope with it!!
    Yes I did. We knew it would be for a year, but it's not been at all what I thought it would be like.

    They said they'd help me out so that I could return to work and that they'd love to have the kids around all the time, and it's so not been that way. They constantly argue and yell, and then yell at me! But mum does all the cooking and cleaning, for which I'm very greatful. But gees I can't wait to leave. I'm sure they feel the same though!

    Anyways...

    I think just be honest with them and tell them that for the sake of your relationship with them, it can't extend beyond that month. If they are dismissive of that, then you need to be more stern.

    And definitely get them to help out!

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    Naboo  (19-09-2016)

  13. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Naboo View Post
    Thanks Skye and Tiny Dancer. I will put them to work dont you worry. But they will be there on my balcony when I get home from work week after week. Its the expectation I will sit around and talk. I only like visiters for a couple of days max.

    And what if they dont find a retirement house. They have always been silent around that
    Find one for them

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    Naboo  (19-09-2016)

  15. #10
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    Oh wow, that would make me nuts! Lol. I think you have been way more accommodating than I would be, already! I would definitely be insisting that they contact retirement homes ASAP and get that organised. A month is a long time to have house guests, regardless who they are!

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    Naboo  (19-09-2016)


 

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