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  1. #1
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    Default Insulted by husband

    Hi... My husband and I had a pretty heated argument yesterday which ended with him calling me a "fu...ng wh...re".

    I have never been called something like that before in my life. I cried quite a bit.
    The insult had nothing to do with cheating or anything like that, it was during the heat of the moment. He was very unhappy with what we did for fathers day, I had trouble empathizing with him so I started going through everything we did that day and he got really upset as I recalled the events and called me those horrible 2 words.

    I have not spoken to him since. I do respond to questions and keep it very formal and civil for the sake of our kid but Im not relaxed and myself, I have shut down (which I tend to do when something upsets me a lot). We have one child together.

    This is not the first time he has insulted me though this has been the worse thing he's ever called me. He has had bouts of this verbally abusive behaviour since I was pregnant.
    I want to separate but there is more to this story than just starting the separation process...

    My family lives overseas, I have not seen them in 4 years. The air fares for the three of us is quite expensive so seeing my mum and dad is difficult. My father offered to pay the air fare for the three of us to travel this year, we will be traveling in 4 more weeks. I am very excited to see them.

    My mother is quite elderly, her mind has not been that good lately, showing signs of possible dementia or alzeihmers. I feel like this may be one of the last times I will get an opportunity to talk with mum, "real mum" before the disease consumes her.. because if I am seeing her roughly every 3 to 4 years, she may be quite different next time i get to be with her.

    So... I can't easily file for a separation given my dad went to such a big trouble to pay for the 3 air fares. I can't travel just with my daughter (and without my husband) because he has said he will not let me do that, he is scared I will not come back... which I would never do but that is his fear, he is scared I'll take his daughter away. For me to take my child out the country I need a written consent from him which he will not do for me.
    I can't travel on my own either as I feel this may be very hard emotionally for my child. I am not comfortable leaving my child for 4 weeks plus my mum and dad really want to see their grandchild.

    So I have to go overseas with him. I am having trouble letting go of the insult he has called me. I can't even sit down and talk things with him because I am hurt. But I have to fix this before we travel... If he decides not to travel he will not let my child travel.

    In the worse case scenario that he actually does this I do not even know if I will go I feel torn because I have to say my mum. I have to! but can't leave my child...

    He has not apologised, he does not think he has done anything wrong. He believes I ruined Fathers Day for him and for that I deserve that insult.

    My husband has been upset since friday because he's been told at work that his role has changed. He is being forced to do something he absolutely detests. On friday night he was crying because of this. He has gone to the drs and requested to be put on antidepressants because of this.

    If you are wondering about Fathers Day, this is what happened: The week prior to Fathers day my husband celebrated his birthday and so he said he didn't want much on fathers day because of all the gifts and celebrations we had been having. I said I would give him something anyways because it's fathers day.
    We needed to pay the rates this past week so money was a bit tight, husband and I decide my gift for him could wait until next week when money wouldn't be so tight.
    Anyways, on saturday I made him choose between two things he really likes and I made that for him as a Father's day present. (Caramel slice).
    On Sunday morning our daughter gave him all these presents she has been doing for him. Then I asked if he wanted some eggs, to which he replied "in a bit" - he'd just woken up. He went to the backyard to have a cigarrette, then he went in and straight to the computer.. 5 minutes later he comes out and says "are you gonna do those eggs" to which I replied "oh.. ok" (I thought he wanted it later but I suppose he wanted them sooner). He misinterpret my response and said "if you don't want to make them that is fine, don't bother" but I said I did want to make them, he misinterpret me.
    Anyways, I made the eggs. He did not like them. He said they were disgusting, to much butter. He said I've known him for 5 years and that it shows i don't care for him if i still can't make him eggs the way he likes them.

    so that was mainly how the morning went.. not really happy... I feel it would've been a lovely morning should he had a happier attitude but he was miserable the whole weekend because of this change in his work.

    So in the evening we got into this argument, he was saying that he should close his account on facebook because everyone has all these "happy fathers day" lovely messages while what he has is nothing. I said "did you want a post on facebook?" "no, you don't get it. You are not normal!" I reacted childishly by saying "No, you are not normal" - he scoffed, I said lets recount the events - " you are getting a present next week because money is tight this week. I made you a caramel slice. Your daughter gave you a mountain of drawings and a mug. I made you scrambled eggs." - as I recounted this he interrupted me and said that horrible insult.

    ugh... thanks for letting me vent these events.

    Im trying to be the bigger person and sit down and talk things but Im having trouble processing what he just called me... i'm just really hurt...

  2. #2
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    Those words would have hurt me too. Possibly shattered me. I would think that this is a bigger issue not so much about Fathers Day but given he was nasty to you during your pregnancy I think it might be a good idea after you come back from overseas, to check some things with a women's service. This behaviour is not ok. Please do not cancel your holiday and ensure you take your child. As a woman who has lost her own mum, it's so important for you to spend time with your mother. The only way he can formally stop you from taking your child is by contacting the police (AFP) and putting your child on a flight risk list. I'm sorry this has happened and I'm glad you have questioned his name calling.

  3. #3
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    Default Insulted by husband

    That's a horrible thing to say, but hopefully not the only reason you're wanting to separate. My DH and I have some very heated arguments where we call each other horrible things but don't really mean it, particularly if we're under stress, which your husband seems to be. I'm definitely not condoning it, but it sounds like there's a lot more below the surface and unfortunately he's using you as his emotional punching bag.
    But I do agree, go and see your family regardless.

  4. #4
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    He sounds like a spoilt brat! I would be telling him to wake to himself.

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    Cicho  (10-09-2016)

  6. #5
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    Hun I have to dash off to work however I didn't want to scroll past and not say anything.

    I am seeing red flags. How he is treating you is not normal and it's not ok.

    Has your child got a passport in another nationality? Have you got a separate bank account with a little financial safety net in there? Start the 'just incase! prep now

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    Spincycle  (08-09-2016)

  8. #6
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    His behaviour is definitely not ok. But (and I'm not excusing this at all!) he obviously has problems, emotional problems/depression/stress, and he needs professional help. Maybe you can suggest this to him to get the ball rolling, before you go on a holiday together which could be quite disastrous if you haven't both taken steps to sort out the issues in the relationship - mainly, him taking out his stress/anxiety on you by being verbally abusive.

    Is this a relationship you want to save, or have you decided you want to end it, but it's just not convenient right now because of the trip in 4 weeks?

    If you 100% want to end it, then for the sake of you parents, I would just continue being civil until after the trip, and in the meantime start preparing your departure, including getting legal advice.

    If you think there's still something worth staying in this relationship for, then you need to tell him exactly how his behaviour has made you feel and that it is not ok for him to talk like that to you, ever. If he still thinks he hasn't done anything wrong, suggest counselling.

    Saying those words is disgraceful but if it's totally out of character, then it could really be one of those "heat of the moment" things.

    Fathers Day/Mother's Day is not even a thing in our house, I can't believe a grown man would get so worked up about this and lash out like that. Obviously he has other things he is struggling with.

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    Wise Enough  (07-09-2016)

  10. #7
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    I agree with Vic Park. Start a secret savings account. Get things moved into your name. But I also agree with witherwings, maybe he needs counselling.

    But you are most definitely not over reacting. What did he do for Mother's Day?

  11. #8
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    How are you going OP?


 

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