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  1. #11
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    Thank you for all the replies. Definitely not contempt. I just have this bitterness all the time when it comes to finances. He is a great husband and we get along so well, just one big flaw

    So I'll elaborate on my situation a bit. He is addicted to cars. He has ADD. He is addicted to change and he would change cars all the time, losing money with each change. I actually got to the point where I made a 'contract' that he had to sign stating how long he has to own his current car for. How much out of the last sale he has to put back on the credit card. That I get one car free day every week, where cars are not mentioned at all and lastly that he has to talk to someone. The last two haven't happened and they won't happen. He has his mother in his ear telling him that he doesn't have a problem and everything is fine, So he cancelled his app with the doctor.

    He tells me he has changed but he hasn't at all. And I don't believe in his situation its something that can just change overnight but he definitely doesn't care about making the steps to change it.

    When I start to talk to him about whats going on he immediately goes into defense mode. "Yes, I know its all my fault, I don't need to be told about it". "I'm not the only one that uses the credit card". He definitely doesn't HEAR the problem or where I'm coming from which only gives me less hope of everything being sorted out. All he keeps talking about is that when the personal loan is refinanced back into the mortgage everything will be dandy. I'm not that naive. I still know that's not fixing the issue with himself its literally just putting another bandaid over the top.

    He asked me for $400 out of the credit card last night for car parts so I think the time has come where a couples counselor is the only answer. Has anyone had experience with couples counseling for finances?? Hopefully its worth it!

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by katieerin View Post
    Thank you for all the replies. Definitely not contempt. I just have this bitterness all the time when it comes to finances. He is a great husband and we get along so well, just one big flaw

    So I'll elaborate on my situation a bit. He is addicted to cars. He has ADD. He is addicted to change and he would change cars all the time, losing money with each change. I actually got to the point where I made a 'contract' that he had to sign stating how long he has to own his current car for. How much out of the last sale he has to put back on the credit card. That I get one car free day every week, where cars are not mentioned at all and lastly that he has to talk to someone. The last two haven't happened and they won't happen. He has his mother in his ear telling him that he doesn't have a problem and everything is fine, So he cancelled his app with the doctor.

    He tells me he has changed but he hasn't at all. And I don't believe in his situation its something that can just change overnight but he definitely doesn't care about making the steps to change it.

    When I start to talk to him about whats going on he immediately goes into defense mode. "Yes, I know its all my fault, I don't need to be told about it". "I'm not the only one that uses the credit card". He definitely doesn't HEAR the problem or where I'm coming from which only gives me less hope of everything being sorted out. All he keeps talking about is that when the personal loan is refinanced back into the mortgage everything will be dandy. I'm not that naive. I still know that's not fixing the issue with himself its literally just putting another bandaid over the top.

    He asked me for $400 out of the credit card last night for car parts so I think the time has come where a couples counselor is the only answer. Has anyone had experience with couples counseling for finances?? Hopefully its worth it!
    I don't have any recommendations but since finances are one of the main triggers of relationship breakdowns, I would assume most couples councillors will have strategies for these issues.

    It actually sounds like something that could be resolved with behaviour modification therapy. He can still have his love of cars without needing to spend money. Maybe even hypnotherapy will help?

    But he needs to be on board, if not for himself then for you. You can try that angle.. And make sure his mum butts out of it!

  3. #13
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    Hey - so the only thing I can see to help is counselling. He needs it. ADD and loving cars is not a valid excuse (I would think there are more underlying issues). My DH loves cars too - but he uses money he has saved for it.

    It is unfair that he then puts the blame on you. Honestly, if DH had that behaviour and did not try and seek help I would leave.

    He needs help. If you take the credit cards away he will only do it in secret. So get him to seek help now. Seeming as it has been a long term thing I highly doubt it will change on its own.

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    katieerin  (06-09-2016)

  5. #14
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    He has spent heaps of money in secret. I know all the passwords to everything because I don't trust him. He hides a lot of money when it comes to cars. DH has NEVER saved for anything on his car. He has constantly used borrowed money and when it comes to paying it back or being mature about it, acts like a baby. I think counseling is the only way. As much as he would like to think he has control of it, he doesn't. I am terrified that our lives will never move forward and be in control of finances.

    Another thing I would like to add is that he uses depression as blackmail. If I ever bring up our finances, he says "I don't want to talk about it or think about it or I'll go into depression and I don't want to live like that."
    Last edited by katieerin; 06-09-2016 at 07:34.

  6. #15
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    Couples counselling and get rid of your MIL. It isn't her business and it sounds like her behaviour is undermining your efforts.

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    katieerin  (06-09-2016)

  8. #16
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    Cars and borrowing money are never a good mix !!! You always lose money on cars, no matter how much money you pour into them. He needs to repay the loan, full stop. You are not going to put the loan onto the house. Is the loan in joint names, or his ? Does he work ? He can't keep living off money he doesn't have just for cars OMG. I think you need to have words to his mother too, and give her some fact how bad the situation is. Then in turn hopefully she will have words to him. Sons listen to mothers LOL, well most times haha. Good luck !

  9. #17
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    He sounds manipulative and spoiled with a huge sense of entitlement. TBH given what you have said, I would have left by now. You've gone from not far off paying the mortgage, to borrowing to cover his own debts, now he has eaten further into your money - and your children's inheritance.

    What would really sit badly with me is the way he throws a tantrum if you expect him to pay it back, or better still, not spend it to begin with. That and the deceit. He may have a genuine addiction to cars, he may just be a narcissistic turd that wants what he wants... or both. But nothing is going to change until you start to put firm consequences in place. If he spends another cent in the next year, he's out the door etc.

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    KitiK  (06-09-2016)

  11. #18
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    Default help to stop resenting a partner

    Best way to stop the resentment is to stop the behavior and take control in the situation.


    Start becoming friendly with the word "No"

    - want to talk about cars on our car free day? No
    - want to pull the pin on your doctor appointment? No
    - want $400 for car parts? Hell No

    To be honest I would put a lid on the car trading altogether until your DH starts making sound financial choices.

    Of course if you're going to say no you need to stick to it (cut up cards, no one off exceptions, refuse to engage in the tanty's and manipulation, be prepared for a possible ultimatum).

    Not sure what your family situation is like however if you are considering having babies with this man I would put those plans on hold until such a time as your DH is not a risk to your financial security.

    Good luck

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    katieerin  (07-09-2016)


 

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