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  1. #1
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    Default help to stop resenting a partner

    *not sure if I have entered this rant into the correct category*

    My story is a bit long and drawn out BUT I will make it as short and simple as possible and stick to the details.

    I was left a large sum of inheritance and I invested it into property with my ex partner. It made a massive difference to our mortgage and put us in an awesome position for our first house. Anyway time passed and we split up. I remarried and myself and my current partner bought my ex partner out of our house so we now are living in it. In the 3 years my ex partner stayed in the house paying a lot off the mortgage and it got to the point where the mortgage was under $100k.

    When I met my husband he had a significant amount of debt. When we refinanced the mortgage to buy my ex out we consolidated his debts and credit card into the loan and they were practically payed out, Only $10k remaining. This left the entire loan open for redraw. *massive regret that I didn't make it so he couldn't touch it*. He used the entire amount of the loan back up and the credit card. *Yes, I did hide the credit card but he can still transfer, use ebay ect*

    Now we are in a worse position then when we first started. I had to go back to work. He is determined to get the loan once again consolidated into the mortgage. Doing this will put the mortgage $30k OVER the purchase price in 2010. I'm so upset and hurt. I feel like we are constantly going backwards. I don't want to live in a tiny house with a family of 4. I have dreams of my own and I feel like they are completely out of reach. I have basically kissed all the benefits of my inheritance to give me a head start in life goodbye.

    How on earth do I stop resenting him!? I hate the way I constantly feel towards finances. I am bitter and upset. How do I let these feelings go!?

  2. #2
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    @katieerin I posted a similar thread recently. I have to say I don't know. I hope you work it out or have some support around you to make choices that will be in your best interests. Take care

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  4. #3
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    Do you feel resentful or contempt? There is huge difference. Is he wanting to dig in and shift your financial situation or does he expect you to suck it up? This stuff is hard but if he's working to change it then you're in with a chance.

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    I'm so sorry that he has done this to you. To be in front and now it seems back to nearly square one doesn't seem to great in any fact.

    All I can say is that all financial freedom he has away from him. Take the credit card and get rid of it altogether make him live on an allowance and watch every single purchase that is made.

    My X got from 10yrs ago racked up a massive debt on our joint credit card and into got left with paying it off. I was luckier then yourself I think with around $15k only being done. When I saw i stopped and cancelled all cards I also put a stop on the mortgage so that no one could re-finance without the others signature as some banks used to let you do that

    He needs to be held accountable for his actions. You've already paid debt once before and most likely see's you having to deal with it again. Finance is these days a massive issue in any relationship.

    My DP now had huge debt when we met. I didn't once offer to pay for anything at all. All I did was set everything up for him to pay if off himself. He did. It tooks around 2.5yrs to pay of $30k. I helped pay for bills etc at home so he could get in front which it has done as I was happy to do that as I'm off on Mat leave now for 12 months with him supporting us and he to is now my mortgage and bills

    He needs to seek some sort of counselling to sort out his financial ways and to see where it is affecting your relationship not just with his errors of miss financial management but in your relationship aswell

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    Why does he keep getting into debt? What is he spending the money on? I would look at this as the source of the problem. Maybe he has an addition? (Even buying "stuff" could be an addition). This is kind of an obvious question but have you spoken to him about how you feel regarding the family debt?

    You need to agree between you both not to get into any more debt which means making up a family budget and sticking to it, with the aim of saving/paying off the current debt. You'll also need to agree to change your mortgage facility to a loan without redraw, so he can't keep using up or relying on the equity. Reduce your credit card limits, and whatever you do, don't refinance! Since the property is in both your names, he can't refinance without your agreement.

    Money problems are a huge cause of relationship tension and breakdowns. You could even consider relationship counselling. If you love each other and this is the one thing causing a rift between you, you need to do whatever you can to be on the same page. The last thing you want is for your relationship to break down and you left broke.

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    Cut up the credit cards and never get another one again. If you don't feel comfortable refinancing, you could transfer the credit card debt to a 0% balance transfer interest rate card, but cut that card up as soon as you receive it. The debt is obviously significant, but I don't think you can solely blame your partner. You must have seen the amounts increasing and it should've been put to a stop earlier. There's no point getting angry at him about it, what's done is done, but now you both need to work on fixing the problem.

    My DH and I got rid of credit cards a while ago and it was the best thing we ever did. We give ourselves a fortnightly allowance ($250 each) to cover petrol & buy whatever we want. Anything higher than that, we discuss if we need it or not before spending.

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    Oh how awful to go from being ahead to minus the starting point.

    You said you have put a stop yo the credit card but he can still buy via ebay etc - cancel paypal to stop that too.

    I think a financial counsellor or even a couples counsellor would be a good step. He needs to take accountability and see how his actions have put you all in a bad position.

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    What has he said about his spending?

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    Oh id be furious... To stop the resentment maybe get to the bottom of why he's doing this and a commitment from him about how's he's going to change his ways and also get the family ahead again - then then for him to follow through with his commitment.

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    I think the only way you ever get over the resentment is for him to change.

    My Dh and I had a really tough time about 4.5 years ago. It honestly took 3 years for me to let go of that anger and stop bringing up his issues every time we fought.

    I don't think you can let hat go until you're financially in a better/comfortable position then you were prior to him stuffing it up.

    You can take away the credit cards and what not, but that doesn't stop him from getting another on the sly.

    Does he 'hear' and validate you when you say why you're hurt? My dh used to trivialise my concerns and it did my head in. When he finally got it, we were able to move forward.

    Happy to say I'm in love with him now more than ever and trust him totally. Hope you can find that again too.

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