@ange1111 Dont ever apologise. Its not all rainbows and baby dust storms on this thread. No one really knows we are doing IVF so this is my only outlet. Im sure alot of others are in the same canoe up poo creek. And you cant rant to DH as he is next to you in the canoe. Don't be hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe the poo river wont be as rough tomorrow.
Our journey is parallel to Leo in The Revenant I reckon. There is loss, we feel lonely, we are starving for a baby, we are scarred by our fight for survival, we are left behind by others, and this thread is like the gutted horse we take refuge in to keep warm and survive... I reckon there is as much blood in my IVF journey as there was in that movie too. We will do what it takes to get to our end goal..
IVF has clearly sent me mad!
Thanks @Blossom74 for the recipe will definitely try them out. Hope they sort out what's going on with you very soon x
@ange1111 this process does wear anyone down. it's mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting...& you've just done 3 back to back cycles so you're going to be pretty run down I imagine.
I don't have any advice to help you get out of this rut (coz I'm in it too)!!!, But going to a psychologist is a good idea.
I don't know if it's just me but I find this whole ivf journey very consuming - it's all I think about from when I wake up in the morning till when I go to bed. For me I'm going to plan a little getaway or holiday to bring some fun back!!
@ange1111 u just said out loud what everyone is or has gone through.
We all had our disgusting moments, we just call them differently: for me, it's my wave of despair, for Billie, the poo Creek lol.
My DP calls it my Dark Passenger (too much Dexter!)
But really it's all the same: you feel alone in this terrible unfairness, terrorised that it will never work for you.
Trust me, I know the feeling, and I'm pretty sure everyone on this thread without exception does too.
Try to look at the positives: Charlotte next week is a great positive! She'll help you analyse the situation and define a clear and smart strategy.
I'm seeing her on Dec and cannot wait! You get to see her next week and I'm sure it will make you feel better.
That's something to look fwd to.
Hope the psychology sessions tmrw help you too. Good on you for taking actions!
Don't forget that you're not alone and that we all get it here.
Hang in there xxx
@Blossom74 omg! I feel so bad now for making poo jokes! I was trying to make light of it because i thought it was the symptom-obsessing thing we all do. I hope that when you change bp (is that blood pressure?) meds, things go back to normal so then you'll know that was the cause. If its an unknown infection, can they just give you some generic sorta antibiotics like doxycycline (?) Whatever it is, i hope you find out ehat and start feeling better soon and im sorry for joking about it, if that was upsetting.
@ange1111 dont feel pressured to be positive on here, bubhub is where we can come when we're feeling exactly how you are right now. Im not that much into full moon stuff but sometimes when me n dh are like "wtf's with the school kids this week- theyve all been mental!" We check the calender and: full moon, so there's something to it, i swear.
Its ok to lose hope. When things arent going well and things are gard and you cant see how they will get better, losing hope is what happens to normal human beings. And in my opinion, as long as you havent topped yourself- then you're doing ok.
3 back to back cycles means youve been doing months of ivf, which is a bit like doing chemo or dialysis or rehab- its normal to be feeling sad, tired, stressed, sick, depressed, hopeless, etc...etc.. etc... Not at all fun but a completely normal response to your circumstances. Anyone would feel the same as you. If you didnt feel like that, you would be some kind of alien/robot android. Also the not knowing and wondering about whwther the embies are normal will also make you stress. When people have unknowns and unpredictably in their lives it makes it really really hard and its scary.
It will help, i think, once youve spoken to charlotte because you will have advice to rely on and a plan for the future.
I also think its great to talk to a psych coz it can be good to talk to someone where they can give an outside view of your situation and you can tell them stuff without worrying that they will then worry about you.
Dont feel bad about being in the doom n gloom mode. When sad stuff happens, its ok to be sad.
And yes, ivf drugs will make you sad, angry, emotional and just not 100%. I noticed some of the worst hormonal stuff when it was happening but it wasnt until about 2 months of stopping that i realised how tired and physically unwell the whole process had made me. I thought i was a broken person in my body, heart and head. It wasnt until i took a break that gradually i came back to my normal self, even though i still didn't have a baby, i did 'come back'. Just try to hang in there, i.e. keep existing. Thats the only thing you have to do. You can be sad and cry and mope and all the rest. You are allowed to sray in the rut until you naturally come out of it (which you will, even if you cant at the moment see how or when that will happen). Dont try to force positivity coz then you just put more pressure on yourself at an already difficult time. xox
@Charlie74 hello to you lovely lady, ive been thinking of you. I was trying to think of helpful things to say over rhe last few days n this is what ive come up with. I reckon that the 'surrogacy' thing is a bit like the donor thing in that its a big transition/ shift in your thinking and planning. So, after my 3rd cycle, when fs said to do a 4th then i needed to use a donor, i didnt want to think about de and now in hindsight, i realised that i didnt need to until after my 4th cycle failed.
So i was thinking, maybe try to focus on what you are working on now. Surrogacy will be on your mind for sure BUT maybe you can put it in a box in the back of your mind. So we're working on seeing if the meds can help your lining. This is a current worry which is happening now, whereas the 'Surrogacy' thing is a future worry. You may never need to think about it, so maybe schedule it in to worry about at a later date, when it needs to be considered. If anyone can improve your lining, its wazza, so you will know everything is being done as best as it can be. If it works then thats great. If it doesnt, you wont always wonder if you have had seen someone else or tried something else etc... maybe it would have made a difference, iykwim? So until youve tried this first plan and find out the outcome, you dont even need to think about anything else, unless you want to.
Im totally not trying to tell you what you should do or how you should think though, my friend xox I just read a thing once about 'scheduling' time to worry. It said to make appointment times for your worries and do the worrying at the scheduled appointment time. E.g. if you start worrying about the surrogacy thing, you could say to your worries "im sorry, your appointment isnt until after ive done my meds/lining cycle, so you'll have to come back then". I thought it was a bit lame to be honest but i tried it and it kinda works. Im using it for my "what if my donor cycle fails? " worries and i say, "sorry, remember, we're not worrying about that until after you get a bfn". Anyway, i just wanted to try and suggest some strategies or ways of thinking that might help but feel free to tell me to pee off if thats how you feel coz its ok to feel however you feel mate :-) xox
Last edited by gorgeousgeorge; 19-09-2016 at 17:28.
@ange1111 the drugs will defo make you emotional without a shadow of a doubt. I remember every Sunday I would be sat down watching either 60 Minutes or Sunday night and DH would without fail sit next to me with a box of tissues as I would just sit and cry for the whole hour. Then I'd feel a bit better after a big cry. I think sometimes its better out than in.
and to whoever suggested booking a holiday for some time out, I couldn't agree more. We did that once, had enough of it all and just booked to go to Thailand for ten nights. You need a break from it all sometimes and sometimes you have to leave the country to get that break!
@Blossom74 thank you for the recipe. I shall try them in the very near future. This weekend I am making a chocolate ganache cake for my birthday.
@Charlie74 you are in my thoughts, I don't know what to say so please don't think I've not said much because I don't care, I just don't really know what to say and I worry in case I put my foot in it somehow. Its an impossible situation at times but I hope as time passes the road you will take will become clearer and, you still have Wazza in your corner for now.
@Molros yep- definitely agree about the holiday thing. I literally had to leave the country and go to thailand to forget about ivf. It worked a treat. No meds in my face everytime i opened the fridge, no friends with babies everywhere and nobody knew any of my problems. Paradise!
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