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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by besha View Post
    I think you've been given some really good advice. In a nutshell the main things you can do for her are to listen to how she is feeling, give her information (like that how she is feeling is normal, there is effective help available), encourage her to seek professional support and help with that if you can, and encourage other strategies like walking, getting out of the house etc. And if she ever says anything that makes you worried that she may harm herself or her baby, tell someone else like her husband immediately - don't ever, ever keep that to yourself. I cannot stress that last point enough.

    I would also add that it is incredibly important for you to look after yourself. Self care is so very important - you can't look after anyone else if you don't look after yourself. Part of your self care may be debriefing with someone and that's ok. I'm in mental health so listening to people's problems is all in a day's work but sometimes even I need to unload on someone else. I'm lucky I have my colleagues to do that with but you obviously don't. I'd recommend someone either completely out of your social circle who doesn't and won't ever know your friend (perhaps a telephone counsellor from PANDA) or perhaps your best friend who it sounds like already knows everything anyway since your friend called her when she had a panic attack?

    Your friend is lucky to have you
    Thanks for this besha, this is exactly what I mean about telling my husband. I don't think he will meet her, and I honestly don't think it's possible for someone to offload on you and not have someone else to vent to. I generally tell my husband everything, but as she specifically asked me not to tell anyone I feel a little wary.

    It's been a tough time for my bestie, and she's actually distanced herself from her because she just can't take on anything else at the moment, though I don't think she knows the extent of what is happening. I've contemplated telling her, but then I don't want to betray this girl. I feel if I did thst she just wouldn't talk to anyone again.

    I think a lot of Hubbers are focusing on the idea of speaking to my husband about it. I genuinely feel with any issue, it's important to discuss with someone else, especially when it comes to mental health.

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    It sounds like you really want to care but deep down you still really aren't that fond of this lady. Which is ok - we can't 'gel' with everyone.

    If you can't handle her stories without betraying her confidence (when she specifically asked you not to tell anyone) then I think you need to walk away. If listening to her problems feels like a burden, if you feel the need to tell your husband when that won't accomplish anything, walk away.
    It will relinquish me of the sole burden of having to help someone else through mental issues. I'm not taking what she's told me lightly and there's no way I can just walk away. That would be insensitive. Regardless of if I get along with her perfectly or not I feel I have an obligation to at least attempt to steer her in the right direction.

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  4. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by UmmInayah View Post
    It will relinquish me of the sole burden of having to help someone else through mental issues. I'm not taking what she's told me lightly and there's no way I can just walk away. That would be insensitive. Regardless of if I get along with her perfectly or not I feel I have an obligation to at least attempt to steer her in the right direction.
    How is your husband going to help her? Or is it more about him helping you? (Which would raise the question - is this too much for you to handle? Are you really in a position to be helping this lady?)

    Burden... Obligation... Attempt...Steer her in the right direction. Maybe I've misinterpreted, that sounds distant and cold to me.

    If your heart is not in it, and if you are unable to stay for the long term you could end up doing more damage. There's nothing worse than pouring out your heart and sole to someone only to have them disappear or worse still find they have been complaining about you behind your back.

    Can you gently nudge her towards other support services or friends?

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  6. #34
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    You soumd like a good friend and I think it would be good to ahare woth your husband waht is going on. I assume your husband would keep things between you and him.

    If for no other reason it would be good for him to know so he can sypport you.

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  8. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    How is your husband going to help her? Or is it more about him helping you? (Which would raise the question - is this too much for you to handle? Are you really in a position to be helping this lady?)

    Burden... Obligation... Attempt...Steer her in the right direction. Maybe I've misinterpreted, that sounds distant and cold to me.

    If your heart is not in it, and if you are unable to stay for the long term you could end up doing more damage. There's nothing worse than pouring out your heart and sole to someone only to have them disappear or worse still find they have been complaining about you behind your back.

    Can you gently nudge her towards other support services or friends?
    That is exactly what I have been doing. It would be naive of me to assume I could help her all by myself. I don't take mental health lightly. It is a big deal especially when a baby is involved.

  9. #36
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    Default PND - When someone confides in you.

    Quote Originally Posted by UmmInayah View Post
    Thanks for this besha, this is exactly what I mean about telling my husband. I don't think he will meet her, and I honestly don't think it's possible for someone to offload on you and not have someone else to vent to. I generally tell my husband everything, but as she specifically asked me not to tell anyone I feel a little wary.

    It's been a tough time for my bestie, and she's actually distanced herself from her because she just can't take on anything else at the moment, though I don't think she knows the extent of what is happening. I've contemplated telling her, but then I don't want to betray this girl. I feel if I did thst she just wouldn't talk to anyone again.

    I think a lot of Hubbers are focusing on the idea of speaking to my husband about it. I genuinely feel with any issue, it's important to discuss with someone else, especially when it comes to mental health.
    I think if your husband doesn't know her and is unlikely to meet her or interact with people who do (and blab - and I assume he wouldn't) then he's probably a good person for you to use for support. If your bestie doesn't know everything then I wouldn't speak with her.

    I think there's a big difference between talking to someone who doesn't know the person you are talking about for support, and talking to someone who does know them for the purpose of spreading gossip - and understandably, your friend wouldn't want people gossiping about her. But that's not what you're going to do. But again if you feel funny about talking to your hubby, then a counsellor could be good as they are bound by confidentiality as well as not knowing the person you're talking about at all - and they might also be able to give you further suggestions on support options for your friend too.

    As I said in my earlier post, self care is vital - looking after yourself doesn't mean that you're not capable of helping someone else. In fact, it puts you in a better position to help than someone who tries to take on everyone else's problems without also looking out for themselves. Eventually the tank runs out and you end up worse off than the people you're supposed to be helping. I'm glad that you are considering how to best care for yourself too.

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  11. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Burden... Obligation... Attempt...Steer her in the right direction. Maybe I've misinterpreted, that sounds distant and cold to me.
    I didn't take her comment that way at all. Helping someone with a mental illness when you aren't trained to do so is a burden, even if you are doing it willingly. And she can only attempt to help - helping someone with a mental illness is not a given, particularly if they don't want to seek professional help. All she can do is try her best to steer her towards the appropriate services but ultimately it's up to her friend if she decides to engage with those services.

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  13. #38
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    Fwiw I don't think talking to your husband is going to be a massive betrayal, it's not like your gossiping, you are confiding in your most trusted partner who will be able to offer you support and maybe have some ideas how to help. I have family that suffer major depression and have an anxiety disorder myself and I know I simply cannot be there for my person without having someone to talk to and the only person I can do that with is my husband.
    The advice you have received on what you can do for her is on point.
    Good luck! Xx

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  15. #39
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    I did end up speaking to my husband this morning. He agrees it's not something I should keep to myself, but did tell me not to tell anyone she knew, particularly my bestie which was my gut feeling anyway. He's also agrees that I try to get her suitable professional help as I can't deal with it myself.

    Look, if it were a close friend I wouldn't hesitate to take her to the gp straight away and give my very honest opinion on what I think is happening. I would do my absolute all to help. As I don't know this woman as well, I am wary of how to go about it. She has confided in me and it would be remiss of me to disregard it.

    i so appreciate all the advice given; its given me direction and where I need to go from here.

    Xx

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  17. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by besha View Post
    As I said in my earlier post, self care is vital - looking after yourself doesn't mean that you're not capable of helping someone else. In fact, it puts you in a better position to help than someone who tries to take on everyone else's problems without also looking out for themselves. Eventually the tank runs out and you end up worse off than the people you're supposed to be helping. I'm glad that you are considering how to best care for yourself too.
    Reading this from someone who deals with mental health daily just cements my feelings. Thank you for this, i hope others reading this will understand now.


 

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