+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 13
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    90
    Thanks
    43
    Thanked
    20
    Reviews
    0

    Default MIL issues

    Ok asking for advice.
    I have just recovered from a serious brain injury where I have been in hospital for 8 weeks. Prior to this I had issues with my grandparents before they passed away which hit me in a very bad place and gave me a fear of how I was treated that I am trying to prevent my kids from also receiving.
    Before I got married to my dh his mother and sister approached him in the house we lived in and told him i was a bad person who was in the relationship to take his money and get half his assets.
    He pretty much cut her out of his life for months and we have been married for over 7 years. We also have two kids.
    Since we had kids she has made a lot of effort to get back in so she can see her grandchildren.
    Unfortunately since my injury I seem to have lost the control i used to have to let things go and not put my foot in a pile of **** affecting our family relationship.
    So my dh has kept his family out of my recovery which i really respect and appreciate despite their attempts to four every detail.
    However i am still in recovery and normally my mil would see the kids next weekend with me. I have asked my dh to prevent her from coming as I don't want extra stress and feel this weekend will be the most stressful time I have had since I returned home.
    Is this an unrealistic ask? Should I just learn how to build a bridge and stop blaming her for things that happened to me before she came along.
    Any advice/ help I would appreciate.
    Thanks

    Sent from my MotoG3 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    2,555
    Thanks
    879
    Thanked
    559
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Can you get your DH to meet with his mother next weekend?

    When my MIL used to p!ss me off I just sent DH and the kids to hers, and I stayed home.

  3. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Cicho For This Useful Post:

    Redcorset  (20-08-2016),TheGooch  (20-08-2016)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    90
    Thanks
    43
    Thanked
    20
    Reviews
    0
    We live hours from her and unfortunately she is coming to where we will be. I've spoken to my mum and my dh about it. Mum tells me I have to build a bridge and learn how to get back to the way I was as mil is not responsible for how I was treated as a kid.
    DH has been through a lot in the last 8 weeks and even though I have been in a bad place mentally he has supported me in every possible way he can. He will also support me now but I am putting him in a horrific spot and he doesn't know how to handle it.
    MIL and I have never been friends but at the same time get along if need be.
    I guess I'm just asking others opinions that aren't quite as close to the situation in case I am being unrealistic for my DH?

    Sent from my MotoG3 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    4,113
    Thanks
    2,901
    Thanked
    3,329
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I would suck it up just to give your DH a break. He's been through a lot. But say that when you're over her you will develop a head ache and go lie down

  6. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Wise Enough For This Useful Post:

    KitiK  (20-08-2016),Redcorset  (20-08-2016),SookiLala  (21-08-2016)

  7. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    665
    Thanks
    626
    Thanked
    265
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    I would suck it up just to give your DH a break. He's been through a lot. But say that when you're over her you will develop a head ache and go lie down
    This

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to Redcorset For This Useful Post:

    KitiK  (20-08-2016)

  9. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    1,186
    Thanks
    481
    Thanked
    1,049
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Awards:
    Bubhub Blogger
    Usually I would agree that you should go ahead with it, however your injury adds a whole new dimension.

    I am not sure of the nature of your injury, but my dad had a stroke last year and I've unfortunately learnt a bit about brain injuries.

    8 weeks is still very early. Even after a year my dad is easily overwhelmed by things and snaps a lot (he was the most placid peacemaker before). Therefore based on my experience, if you are not up to meeting with her, don't. Get back home and settle in and discover the new 'order' of things, then you can re-establish visits.

  10. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to DJ Nette For This Useful Post:

    A-Squared  (21-08-2016),Little Miss Sunshine  (20-08-2016),Raylin Park  (21-08-2016)

  11. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    1,393
    Thanks
    2,017
    Thanked
    829
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Nette View Post
    Usually I would agree that you should go ahead with it, however your injury adds a whole new dimension.

    I am not sure of the nature of your injury, but my dad had a stroke last year and I've unfortunately learnt a bit about brain injuries.

    8 weeks is still very early. Even after a year my dad is easily overwhelmed by things and snaps a lot (he was the most placid peacemaker before). Therefore based on my experience, if you are not up to meeting with her, don't. Get back home and settle in and discover the new 'order' of things, then you can re-establish visits.
    This.

    8 weeks is early and it sounds like you've all been through a massive trauma.

    Does your MIL usually stay with you?

    I'm just wondering if most reasonable people would understand that you're in unchartered tertitory here and that perhaps your needs (and the needs of your own immediate family) might need to be prioritised here. Of course it's a tricky situation for your DH but it's not unusual that you might need some quiet time with as little change/disruption as possible while you get used to life after such a massive injury.
    Last edited by Albert01; 20-08-2016 at 20:38.

  12. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Albert01 For This Useful Post:

    Little Miss Sunshine  (20-08-2016),Raylin Park  (21-08-2016)

  13. #8
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    7,845
    Thanks
    5,061
    Thanked
    4,446
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 17/4/15100 Posts in a week
    Oh wow! Absolutely she should not be coming over. Your recovery trumps her need to see her grandchildren for sure.

    Why doesn't your DH take the kids to a park and she can see them there or they can go out for lunch of coffee at a cafe, then she still gets to see her grandchildren and you get to choose the way in which you recover.

    Once you've fully recovered (or as much as you can from the injury) then it could be time to put the past in the past and allow her to be part of your children's lives. Your mum is right in that it's not her fault that bad things happened in the past, not all grandparents are created equal, majority are loving and doting and caring.

    I know you have the added issue of her and your SIL being nasty, but it looks like after a successful and happy 7 year marriage and 2 kids she can see you're great for your DH and she was wrong and if she has move on and is no longer nasty to you, it's time to move on, perhaps with the help of a counsellor if you're having trouble leaving the past in the past.

  14. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to A-Squared For This Useful Post:

    eyelet80  (21-08-2016),Little Miss Sunshine  (21-08-2016),Raylin Park  (21-08-2016)

  15. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    90
    Thanks
    43
    Thanked
    20
    Reviews
    0
    I guess my main fear is I will snap and Lose my cool with her around especially if she says the wrong thing.
    That's the main thing i am finding now is my patience I had before the injury has come to an end and sometimes small things get me stirred up for no reason. My dh is making me rest which when you normally push yourself through things is a huge drama for me but when we got discharged from rehab they specified it was to happen, so he is just following the rules.
    I can see that people that **** me off will end badly and feel obliged to discuss it with some helpful people so they can help stop it happening. Unfortunately I'm not close enough to mil to discuss it with her and probably further from sil.
    My parents have really stepped up and are still helping amazingly with my kids which is keeping my stress levels down and allowing me to enjoy them probably more then if I had to put up with all the **** they sometimes give. Although they are in a loving mood as we have had very little interaction for a fairly long time.
    Thanks for all your answers and would appreciate any more opinions.

    Sent from my MotoG3 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  16. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    4,184
    Thanks
    1,270
    Thanked
    2,593
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    @Raylin Park perhaps then your DH needs to speak to his mum then, and lay it out for her. For example:
    - Tell her that you are still recovering from a major injury and that you need to remain calm and relaxed.
    - That your patience is non existent and that if she says or does anything to make you snap then she needs to apologise, fix what happened and stay out of your way.

    These are just examples, but hopefully if he lays it out for her and gives her some expectations of how she is to behave/treat you while she's in your house she will oblige. If she can't do that, then I would just ask her to leave, and say that to your DH as well so that he understands. Hopefully he can encourage your MIL to treat you with some respect and compassion then while she stays with you.

    Do you both have a private space you can go to when you need a break? Like is there some separate lounge area you or your MIL can go to if you need to walk away from each other. You don't want to feel trapped in your own home by hiding out in your bedroom, but if she had somewhere to go to if something happens she can remove herself away from the situation as well.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Inner ear issues
    By lulupetal in forum General Health
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 23-03-2016, 15:26
  2. MIL issues - Can anyone help?
    By Redcorset in forum Family & Friends
    Replies: 63
    Last Post: 22-01-2016, 12:03
  3. Issues with the pill
    By azelqra in forum General Health
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 15-12-2015, 05:37

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
WaterWipes
Give your babies bottom a gift this Xmas! They are the only wipe made using just water and a drop of grapefruit seed extract and may help avoid nappy rash. Check out the great reviews on bubhub and see our website for more info and availability.
sales & new stuffsee all
Bub Hub Sales Listing
HAVING A SALE? Let parents know about it with a Bub Hub Sales listing. Listings are featured on our well trafficked Sales Page + selected randomly to appear on EVERY page
featured supporter
HuggleBib
The HuggleBib is not "just another" baby bib. Sure, your child may be a messy eater who gets more food ON them rather than IN them, so you dread cleaning after feeding times! Well the HuggleBib is THE best solution to help with all these daily tasks!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!