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    Default Feeling really over it right now

    Really struggling recently with being a step parent. It's so hard and it seems like my fiancé does not recognize anything I do and doesn't even put himself in my position. I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now. I wish that I could talk to him about issues with his kids but I cannot. Cannot mention anything without him becoming irrational and it starting a massive fight.

    Can someone please tell me that it gets easier? How does it work in other people's step families? Am I able to ask the kids to help around the house, etc?

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    Bumping for you. Hoping someone might be able to offer some support or advice.

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    How old are the kids? I think that makes a massive difference in the dynamics. Is the birth mother on the scene?
    In my experience, my husbands attitude made all the difference. He expected DSS to treat me with respect and was willing to be the 'bad cop' when needed so I didn't need to nag.
    Step parenting is a tough gig but in my experience it does get easier. My hubby amd I have been together 10 years and my relationship with DSS is really positive and I can honestly say I love him as if he were my own (he's just turned 22). That said, I do still sit back and let hubby be the main point of contact and encourage their relationship separate to me as well as they are best mates.
    It does sound like for your sanity, your partner needs a bit of a reality check, in the end they are his children and its really in his best interest to support you having a positive relationship with them.
    Keep persevering though. I do think you're perfectly reasonable to ask them to help around the house. Good luck xx
    Last edited by amethyst85; 20-08-2016 at 18:23.

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    Default Feeling really over it right now

    Exactly what @amethyst85 said - very wise words.

    I think one of the most important things is to have you & hubby on the same page in regards to how the kids treat you & what they need to do around the house. It is not a holiday guest house with you as the slave, this is their home when they are with you & they need to be responsible as they would be if they were with you full time.

    We have pretty much shared care with my 10 year old DSS & we have very different rules to his Mum, but DH & I are completely aligned so support each other about what gets done. At his Mums DSS is completely pandered to, whereas when he's with us he has a chores list such as making his bed, picking up dirty clothes, wiping up after dinner & one big job of a weekend. I will ask DSS to do things, but if I need back up I will ask DH to reinforce what needs to be done.

    How old are your step kids?

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    Thanks for the replies. They are 14.
    My fiancé and I have been living together for 2 years. It's not so much them, it's him doing everything for them and babying them and he has a lot of guilt I think, so spoils them and expects them to do nothing at all. When i ever have them by myself (not often) I will ask them to wash their stuff up and they do (after complaining) but I won't if he is there, as he won't back me up! They also have no independence, and it can be quite suffocating when they are here, as no down time at all, and fiancé doesn't seem to see anything from my point of view. It's just very hard work right now & im hoping things get better. I'm struggling.

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    Also just to add, birth mother is around, we don't talk and now fiancé and her hardly communicate either. She seems to have a lot going on at the moment and it appears on my side of the fence she is starting to care less about the kids at the moment. To the point stepdaughter mentioned that I was doing a better job...... Which is nice and sad at the same time. Puts a lot of pressure on me though if that makes sense.

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    Yeah. Makes total sense. DSS was 14 when DH and I got married (12 when we got together) so similar age. He had very little to do with his mum, which was tough early in our marriage having a full time teenager straight up, but as I said, 8-10 years on, I wouldn't have it any other way. DH and I are expecting a baby next week and our daughter will be so lucky to have him as a big brother.
    Can you try to start small and ask them to do little things when your fiance is around, and build up from there? If he undermines what you're doing, I'd very gently remind him that his relationship with his children is up to him, but if its going to work for you in your family, you need support to build a relationship with the kids you're comfortable with.
    I remember clearly one incident early on when DSS said something dumb to me (mouthing off about something or other like hd would have said to his dad), I just turned to him calmly and said, "The way you speak to your Dad is between the two of you, but I wont tolerate you speaking to me thag way in my home. " He got the picture very quickly and never tried it again, did help a lot that DH always backed me up though.
    It sounds like you have the beginnings of a positive relationship there already, maybe just focus on building that and gently establishing your own rules and routines.
    As I said before, its a tough gig, but its worth it in the end xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pinklise View Post
    Really struggling recently with being a step parent. It's so hard and it seems like my fiancé does not recognize anything I do and doesn't even put himself in my position. I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now. I wish that I could talk to him about issues with his kids but I cannot. Cannot mention anything without him becoming irrational and it starting a massive fight.

    Can someone please tell me that it gets easier? How does it work in other people's step families? Am I able to ask the kids to help around the house, etc?
    My heartfelt advice would be to get out now whilst you can. Eleven years ago, I married someone who has two daughters from a previous marriage (aged 11 and 8 at the time), and it was the biggest mistake I ever made.
    The girls and their BM have made my life so miserable and their dad has always put the three of them before me. They are now 22 and 19 and living with us full time and I hate it.
    If I had my time over, I would NEVER EVER marry someone who already had children.

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    I appreciate your honest advice.
    I have said similar to friends who are single, that it's very hard and that I wouldn't recommend it, but it depends on the guy too


 

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