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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    This makes a lot of sense. It's also quite possible that the mutual friend has said to her "Umminayah gives great advice, you should talk to her," so that's possibly formed the basis of your association. It sounds like you two just don't "click" and no deeper friendship is forming (which is fine) so you should just pull away a little and return to being friends-of-friends.
    That is true. We don't click which is probably why I didny really want to speak to her in the first place. I'm sure she feels we don't click either.

  2. #22
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    You've been around a while and I don't think you've ever said anything nasty here, you strike me a sweet, kind person. So based on that, what I see is 'the grass is greener' with you two.

    She is envious of you bc you are so calm and together, it makes her question what she is doing wrong as a mother. She genuinely does value you as a person and friend, but taking your advice is like conceding defeat and admitting she is hopeless as a mum (in her mind) and yet again you have it over her.

    You are much like me. An extremely hands on mum that has little support from family yet keeps her head above water by paddling twice as hard rather than getting help. It makes us strong women, but sometimes it would be nice for someone to take over huh? I think you see she has all this help, both physically and in regard to support and advice from you yet still is whinging.

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  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by UmmInayah View Post
    That is true. We don't click which is probably why I didny really want to speak to her in the first place. I'm sure she feels we don't click either.
    Yeah this just happens. I had a slightly similar situation when DH's mate's wife had her first child. They were a million miles away from family like us and DH's mate had said how she was struggling so DH suggested I try to help. I'd never clicked previously as she had some pretty strong political and religious views that I would politely bite my tongue over during conversation, but otherwise she was nice enough.

    It wasn't advice so much in this case but practical help - but there really wasn't anything much I could do. I'd take baby for a walk to give her a break but it was pretty clear that she didn't actually want to be away from bub (which is fine). Bub wasn't very needy (compared to mine at least) so she didn't need someone to hold and vigorously rock bub just so it would stop crying and her house was spotless as her DH did heaps at home (unlike my house/DH). I was putting my tornado toddler into daycare to go help out but really, all I was there for was to overcome the loneliness that comes with having a child away from your "village".

    The differences between us already apparent pre-kids had more added to them after as she had drastically different parenting choices to mine. Despite the best intentions of our husbands we were never going to have much more than polite conversation at the odd BBQ, so I pulled back once it was clear she had clicked with some mums at her playgroup.

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    Haven't read replies but the early months of parenting are such a fog. It's so easy to criticize when viewing a situation externally. It's so much harder to see the Forrest from the trees when you're stuck in the middle of it!

    Also, she may ask for advice but not quite agree with your response. That's ok! I ask questions of Mummny friends but don't necessarily rush to implement it. Again, sometimes just stuck in the fog/cycle & sometimes don't want to.

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  8. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    You've been around a while and I don't think you've ever said anything nasty here, you strike me a sweet, kind person. So based on that, what I see is 'the grass is greener' with you two.

    She is envious of you bc you are so calm and together, it makes her question what she is doing wrong as a mother. She genuinely does value you as a person and friend, but taking your advice is like conceding defeat and admitting she is hopeless as a mum (in her mind) and yet again you have it over her.

    You are much like me. An extremely hands on mum that has little support from family yet keeps her head above water by paddling twice as hard rather than getting help. It makes us strong women, but sometimes it would be nice for someone to take over huh? I think you see she has all this help, both physically and in regard to support and advice from you yet still is whinging.
    Thanks delirium that's a really kind post. I like to think I'm a nice Person! Lol. I posted on here to vent because I don't like talking about people and giving names etc. If I was to vent to friends they would know who I am talking about!

    With regard to conceding defeat if she takes my advice, that may be true, but I question why she asks me if she really doesn't need it? Surely doing her own thing would make her appear better than me?

  9. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    Yeah this just happens. I had a slightly similar situation when DH's mate's wife had her first child. They were a million miles away from family like us and DH's mate had said how she was struggling so DH suggested I try to help. I'd never clicked previously as she had some pretty strong political and religious views that I would politely bite my tongue over during conversation, but otherwise she was nice enough.

    It wasn't advice so much in this case but practical help - but there really wasn't anything much I could do. I'd take baby for a walk to give her a break but it was pretty clear that she didn't actually want to be away from bub (which is fine). Bub wasn't very needy (compared to mine at least) so she didn't need someone to hold and vigorously rock bub just so it would stop crying and her house was spotless as her DH did heaps at home (unlike my house/DH). I was putting my tornado toddler into daycare to go help out but really, all I was there for was to overcome the loneliness that comes with having a child away from your "village".

    The differences between us already apparent pre-kids had more added to them after as she had drastically different parenting choices to mine. Despite the best intentions of our husbands we were never going to have much more than polite conversation at the odd BBQ, so I pulled back once it was clear she had clicked with some mums at her playgroup.
    This is great to know. Unfortunately as she is a second time mum she doesn't qualify for the first time mums groups they offer through the council. I'm in a different council than her and I went as far as asking my mchn if she could attend one of ours so she wouldn't feel like she was alone. If this had happened I think it would have been so much easier for me to back off.

    Will have to see what eventuates. Thanks so much for the advice

  10. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by YeahYeahYeah View Post
    Haven't read replies but the early months of parenting are such a fog. It's so easy to criticize when viewing a situation externally. It's so much harder to see the Forrest from the trees when you're stuck in the middle of it!

    Also, she may ask for advice but not quite agree with your response. That's ok! I ask questions of Mummny friends but don't necessarily rush to implement it. Again, sometimes just stuck in the fog/cycle & sometimes don't want to.
    I wondered this in the beginning so I persevered.

    Once she asked me if I gave my children dummies and I really wasn't the type to give them one as I was happy for them to fred to sleep. I didn't tell her I absolutely hated them, but she asked another friend to buy her one (she couldn't drive) and she never even tried using it.

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    Sounds like she ticks you off for other reasons so now everything she says irks you?

    Maybe you are reading too much into things. Maybe she takes some of your advice on board however for whatever reason (she's got a 7 week old and is busy) she doesn't give you a status update.

    Maybe she is in a haze now and just doing what she can to survive. And she will draw on your advice when things are more settled.

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  13. #29
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    When I was getting no sleep when my kids were babies I found it really hard to take advice. It was just so hard to function and think straight and organise myself. Gosh those days were hard. I'd cut her some slack. The person you see now may not be the real her - it might just be the dysfunctional, sleep deprived her.

    That said, if she really irks you then stop hanging out with her. Just take a break for a while. If you don't really like her she's probably picking up on it and perhaps she asks your advice as a way of trying to connect with you. If it's not going to happen, it's kinder to both of you to walk away for now.

  14. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Sounds like she ticks you off for other reasons so now everything she says irks you?

    Maybe you are reading too much into things. Maybe she takes some of your advice on board however for whatever reason (she's got a 7 week old and is busy) she doesn't give you a status update.

    Maybe she is in a haze now and just doing what she can to survive. And she will draw on your advice when things are more settled.
    I guess we will see what happens. Thanks for the advice

    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuppet View Post
    When I was getting no sleep when my kids were babies I found it really hard to take advice. It was just so hard to function and think straight and organise myself. Gosh those days were hard. I'd cut her some slack. The person you see now may not be the real her - it might just be the dysfunctional, sleep deprived her.

    That said, if she really irks you then stop hanging out with her. Just take a break for a while. If you don't really like her she's probably picking up on it and perhaps she asks your advice as a way of trying to connect with you. If it's not going to happen, it's kinder to both of you to walk away for now.

    That may be true. We will see what happens. But really if you are struggling in the moment and you're at a complete loss of what to do, you'd try taking advice that you actually asked for, wouldnt you? It's not unsolicited advice, it's things she's specifically asked about.

    I guess there is an underlying feeling from before thwt makes me realise we just don't get along.
    Thanks for the advice. You're right it's kinder to walk away now. I don't want to create tension in the group.


 

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