My ex husband and I separated in March this year when I was 7 weeks pregnant. When it happened I didn't care, I was so angry with him, I thought I wanted out. For months he had been emotionally abusive. Always a pathological liar. Had thrown things at walls, verbally abused me and the animals. So, when he said he wanted me to leave I did so without hesitation. For my son's sake and this babies sake more than anything. I hated having them in that environment and dreaded them turning out like my husband.
I moved interstate to be near my parents for support (high risk pregnancy, toddler to look after etc.) and he was more than happy for me to do so. He agreed to changing my son's surname over to my maiden name and signed the parenting plan I had drawn up with no complaints even with it stating that he is to have supervised 1 hour visits.
After the first couple of months of being separated my anger towards him started to subside, he was communicating with me more maturely, not trying to argue or play the blame game. We were able to discuss things like adults etc.
I started to miss him and wished he was here to share all the moments of the pregnancy with me. He finally decided to visit our son for the first time in 6 months last weekend. We didn't really talk at all but when I saw him I just had this overwhelming feeling that I wished he would hug me and tell me it was all going to be ok and that he wanted to be a family again. Of course that didn't happen though. And he's made it very clear to me that he is over me and he will never want to go back to what we had. He told me this in a text and also said that he said he still cares deeply for me but only as our boys mother. I believe he has already slept with other women too (the day after I left he was already on tinder).
I know the way he treated me when we were married should mean I don't have feelings for him anymore but I feel like I'm still in love with him and want him back. He wasn't an evil person just not very mentally strong if that makes sense. We went through so much together. He is infertile and I went through ivf and used donor sperm to conceive my son and this baby. We lost 3 babies along the way.
I just don't know how to put it all behind me and move on from him and stop thinking about him. I dream about him nearly every night....sex dream, the lot! I wish he still wanted me but he just doesn't.
I know I'm pregnant and hormones could be playing a role in this. I'm scared I'll get pnd. Yes I'm seeing a councillor.
How do I move on? I'm shy and unlikely to ever find anyone else. I'm a single mum with 2 kids. I don't even think I want to find anyone else, my kids have enough to deal with with separated parents, ivf and donor sperm without adding a step parent to the mix.
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.