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  1. #1
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    Default Advice wanted

    Hi
    My partner works away, he has done for years but since our child was born 6 months ago I feel like his priorities haven't changed. He comes home one week a month and while I understand he does this to bring in an income I can't help but feel he doesn't make an effort when he is home. Not wanting to change nappies or do night feeds.

    My family are in a different city and I've been wanting to move home for help but he's adamant that if I go he won't be coming with me.

    How could I get him to understand that bringing in an income isn't the most important thing, spending time with us should be?
    If he's not going to be around and I'm on my own all the time why shouldn't I move home?

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry youre in such a tough situation. I think you need to nut this out with your husband for sure. Have you tried explaining to him how taxing him being away is on you? Perhaps because he's away so long he doesn't want to do feeds etc because you manage it well?

    I left my 4 month old with my husband for the first time today. He has never changed his nappy nor has he given feeds etc. The most he's done is play with him and I'm fine with that. But if you feel like you need a hand you need to talk to him.

  3. #3
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    Maybe you need your husband to see how hard it can be to be alone with a baby. Could you leave him alone with your baby for a night or 2 the next time he's home, it sounds like you could also use a break. Maybe this way he will see that you wanting to be close to your family to have help the 3 weeks of the month he's not around is not unreasonable at all.

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  5. #4
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    I'm sorry he has put you in this position. When he is home next I would say to him your going out to get some groceries and leaves Bub with him to see what happens

    The fact he is also saying that if you move him he won't be coming with you says a lot that he isn't really committed to your little family

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    Oh gosh you really are in a tough spot.
    I wouldn't tell him that money shouldn't be his top priority. While I (as a mum and primary carer) totally understand what you mean I think he will take it as you minimizing his contribution. You don't want to do that cos he will just get his back up. I think you should explain to him that your family had grown by a whole extra person so now everybody has to put more in. While he is away he works really hard and you also work 24/7. You don't ask him to change nappies in that time but while he is home then you guys are BOTH parents and for that week you need to be working toward 50/50 care of your child. Sympathize with him that yes this is HARD for him but having a baby in the family IS hard. Good luck. Xxx

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    Quote Originally Posted by Duckie2016 View Post
    How could I get him to understand that bringing in an income isn't the most important thing, spending time with us should be?
    ?
    What is the biggest issue affecting you? DH not helping around the house/with bub or DH not spending enough time with you both?

  8. #7
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    Thanks ladies

    I've tried leaving her with him, he does try but when I come back she's generally really worked up and he's laying on the couch.
    With her not seeing him often and him not interacting as much as he should she doesn't take to him straight away, generally by the end of the week home she will start to warm to him but then he will leave again.

    He's said he works 12 hour shifts for two weeks straight and when he comes home he just needs to rest, I understand that his job is hard but it's not like I'm not doing anything at home.

    I would like him to be more involved with both of us and help around the house a bit.
    For example on fly out day he would prefer to be dropped at the airport early to have breakfast than spend time with us.

    When I bring anything up it always seems to turn into I'm being over dramatic.

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    It is going to be so hard for him to bond with bub when he is away so much. This will get better as bub starts to build up some long term memory and starts enjoying screen time (then skype will help).

    I always refused for DH to work away while we were not near my family. We moved back and he gave 3/1 FIFO a go. It was so much harder than anticipated by either of us. He'd always worked long hours, so I was used to doing everything myself, but this was a whole new level. We were saving for our house deposit and the money was making it much easier. Our kids were 9months and 6yo when he started. After about 9 months we'd had enough, he wasn't bonding with our youngest, I was struggling as we was a rubbish sleeper, he hated the "lifestyle" on camp (lots of depression, drinking, bitter men complaining about how their wives spend all their money then going to hookers etc - he turned into a gym junkie to avoid it all) and the kid's behaviour was taking a turn for the worse.

    We worked out if we both got local full time jobs the money would be about the same so we could keep saving. So that's what we did. It was still hard but it was a better hard than FiFO for our personalities and our family.

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    I'm sorry OP but he needs to man up! DH has been FIFO since dd1 (6 yrs) was 6 months so I totally understand the situation. Yes, your Dh does work 12 hours a day but he gets to sleep through the night for 2 weeks straight without interruption! He gets to eat dinner at his leisure, talk with his mates and go to the toilet BY HIMSELF!!
    He needs to realise that looking after a baby by yourself is a 24 hr a day job. I would be laying down the law with him to be honest. Sounds like he just needs to grow up a bit so maybe a shock to the system is what he needs! Sorry to sound harsh

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  12. #10
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    It's really unfair that he turns your concerns into you being dramatic, I would lose my mind if DH did that to me.
    My DH was fifo for years and we both decided it was time to stop when DS was born, but even before we had a baby there was a deal that he got the first full 24-48 hours to chill then he had to lift his game and help out as I worked full time, he also did any maintenance I needed done and the garden, He even had to take turns walking the dog. FIFO is not a get out of normal life stuff, yes it's a tough job but they get to come home for an extended period for a reason.
    I don't think your being unfair by wanting to live near a support network, the saying goes it takes a village to raise a child, you need your village. It's all about compromise, you give him a chance for r&r and he gives you what you need too.
    I hope things turn around for you, having a baby is hard work but it's also a really happy time that you both should get to enjoy together. Xx


 

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