+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    4
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0

    Default Mid-life Crisis, mental health issues with husband??...I am confused..

    My husband and I were married(nearly 18 years). We have been through a lot(not so much in our relationship - he was my best friend and I adored him) but we suffered a lot of loss and grief, went through 10-12 years of infertility, lost a baby(miscarriages) failed fertility treatments, loss of family members in tragic circumstances.. (and I developed chronic illness), and recent loss of my mum to dementia, severe family dysfunction from husband's family(sexual assault of a child by BIL(Jail) and huband's older brother in jail for attempted murder of partner.

    In late March my husband and I were enjoying Easter. We had gone to church the day before and everything was fine, so It appeared. But little did I know my iife was about to change dramatically. We were sitting on the lounge enjoying a cup of tea and cake when my husband told me to get the washing off the line. I thought it was an odd request but he had gotten up early that morning to do all the washing and clean the laundry. I was gone about five minutes, came inside an yelled out "you have done a great job of the laundry". I said it twice but there was no reply....checked the lounge room, then outside and noticed the car missing . I called him on the mobile and he said "He couldn't do this anymore,felt trapped and wanted to be selfish and fulfil his dreams' I was I shock and told him to come home and talk about it..His tone had changed and he said "Don't get your hopes up because I am not coming back'. The very short version of a long story...(which I had to find out myself) as he never told me..He had put himself on a dating site to look for a nice Japanese lady in view of marriage and he was willing to live in Japan. I got such a shock - I didn't even know he had an interest in Japan!! He didn't contact me for a week but I had a called our pastor who had wondered if my husband had a mental health issue ..given the sudden change in his behaviour. I had seen some strange signs leading up but didn't think he would do this.He was exercising excessively to lose weight and I was walking with him and we were sharing things together. I was encouraging him to lose weight and support him. I was grieving the death of my mum and so was probably a little withdrawn. He was close to my mum but rarely talked about her after her death. Also, on the day he left, he had scheduled for his mum to come to my mum's place to take some things that didn't sell In the garage sale She took quite a bit - I was ok about it -(she hates me and she hated my mum) but was ok about having her things . Looking back, I think my husband and her had planned this day together

    So my husband went to Japan and he told me in an email "I am going to Japan for five days and sorry things didnt' work out for us..Regards ***... It was so cold . I found emails that he had sent to family and work colleagues about his new girlfriend and after he had gone to Japan one that was explicit about the 'sex'. It was hurtful and bizarre
    He came back, and came to visit me with gifts and told me I had been a goo wie and he gave me a rating of 97percent. It was odd. He had shaved his head and grew a beard.... Then a few weeks later, he told me he was going back to Japan as he paints(landscapes). He gave up his great job (he was a labourer for a well-known company) and took out two loans and credit card. We always said we would never get a credit card again. He rented a beautiful apt. in Japan and bought furniture over there. He told me he was going for three months. I had found emails where he was applying for jobs in Japan as an English teacher(without a degree) and then later emails to the gfriend telling her that she needed to be I touch with him as he had gone to a lot of trouble, given up his job and taken out credit to come and start a new life with her. Later on, her father sent him emails to say that he needed to divorce me and that he(the father) knew a good lawyer in Sydney. All this behind my back. And everyone at work knew..I felt like I must have been the laughing stock at his place of employment. My husband eventually worked out that I knew about his new gfriend and her child. He phoned me and told me he loved her and her family made him feel loved . I was so shocked and told him that I loved him and didn't understand why he was doing any of this (esp when I was grieving my mum's death). I am on my own now an have had to take care of our home. I have a chronic illness and don't have a lot of support. Our faith views this as 'adultery' and our church takes it very seriously but my husband doesn't care
    The long story short - he moved around a few places In Japan(stayed in luxurious resort) This was his first big overseas trip. I saw my dr who was concerned and said it was more then a mid-life crisis and maybe a mental health issue. I did share that with husband(prior to him going to japan) He had racing thoughts and couldn't sleep but said he was fine. The dr gave him sleeping tablets
    He eventually came back from Japan(ran out of money) and came back to stay with his mum. I had noticed he had joined facebook and had added over 200 random people he didn't know..most of them Asian girls and there were random quotes on their profile photos of how beautiful they were. Also lots of comments to women. I was in shock as I had never known this side of my husband before.

    He told me the relationship didn't work out as this girl's mum called him a cheater as he was married to me.

    Long story short, he put himself on another dating site(his brother told me) and went on one date with a girl holidaying here and they are in 'love' and believe God brought them together ...She has gone home to her country but I think wants to live here. My husband is friends on FB with her 11 year old daughter.

    He came to fix my tv yesterday, kissed me on the cheek and told me he still loved and cared for me. But I know he doesn't want to life with me.

    I saw a solicitor who told me to go for a financial payment but I don't have a peace about that yet. I am so stressed as it is and have more heath checks that need doing with myself.
    I have my own bank account and pay for the mortgage and my own bills

    Several weeks ago he gave me some money for the rates but then phoned me to say he needed some of the money back. When I questioned him, he got angry. Then I asked him about this new relationship an he told it was none of my business. I sent him some texts afterwards because he hung up on me. They were not abusive but just curious as to why he had no money. At 7pm the night two police officers turned up at my door. I got such a shock. They told me to stop harassing him. I told them I wasn't. They said they were the messengers and he was distressed
    I broke down and cried because I felt as though my life was just a total mess to something I had no control and the man I loved was now my enemy.
    He called me and I broke down and cried and he said I had stressed him out and ha no respect for him. So, It was ok for him to walk out on our marriage with no real reasons as to why leaving me(mourning my mum) and left to look after a home and mortage. I was still sorting out my mum's things. I felt like I was nearing a breakdown

    My dr feels as though my husband could possibly have bipolar or some mental health issue ....I see a counseller and I am in survival mode - still shocked by everything
    My husband sent me an email and I ignore d it so he called me in a panic asking why I had not heard from him - I was so confused..first he calls the cops for me texting him too much and now he is phoning me because I had not answered an email

    I have since learnt(he told me yesterday) when he came to fix my tv that he had been grabbed by a man when he was walking the streets of
    Tokyo at night. It hurt me so much to hear this as I always have been very protective of my husband.

    He looks different(shaved his head) and on Facebook he is a completely different person. He sees inappropriate things to people and talks on a sexual nature..he was never really like this before.

    He was an avid gardener and made our garden so beautiful. He also had vegies growing and he loved our pets. NOw he doesn't care or ask about our pets or the garden
    It's like he has moved away from this life in hope of starting a new one that doesn't involve me.
    Even his taste in music has changed - he likes Japanese girl bands now..he bought musical instruments in Japan and wants to learn them. He was a n avid footy follower - now doesn't cre much for the football.
    It's like he is a different person.

    I really don't know who he is.
    I try to take care of myself. I miss my mum and I miss the husband I had loved. He was gold to me and that's how I referred him to.
    Obviously, I didn't know him in the 20 years or, this person has changed.

    We have lots of unfinished projects in our home so he has always been a big dreamer. But now he is living his ultimate dream
    He told me I can stay in the home another year. He probably will want to divorce me and marry this girl who he has just met. He falls in love quickly.

    I didn't prepare myself for this - we had planned to go on a holiday and just take things easy....But now I have to get used to starting a new life.
    A guy from FB asked me out to dinner but I am too fragile and hurt to even do that. I don't know if I can trust again.

    MY husband has an obsession with Japan now and wants to go back in October with his brother and nephew - he has furniture there in storage which he wants to give away.
    I fear he is turning out like his mum, she suffers from major depressive illness and had numerous men in her life- mainly one night stands.

    I am moving on but still confused My husband has blamed me for the breakdown in our marriage but has no remorse for any of this hurt he has inflicted on our marriage - betrayal and adultery.

    I was hurting too from infertility and loss of family members and I needed him after the death of my mum

    I take one day at a time....I miss the man I knew.

    I don't know if he has a mental health issue or that I was a wife that failed him.
    I guess In a way I hope this new person takes care of him and doesn't hurt him.... I know that sounds crazy but I have always cared for him.
    Last edited by Regina16; 10-08-2016 at 22:20.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    7,860
    Thanks
    5,068
    Thanked
    4,447
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 17/4/15100 Posts in a week
    It all sounds very stressful for you.

    Are you looking to vent or for people to help you breakdown what has happened to make sense of it?

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    4
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    I guess a little of both - my cousellers tell me he is a man in crisis and irrational and I have to take care of myself which I am doing. Part of me wants to move on but I feel I have failed him in some way but then I get confused and think, maybe I haven't and this is him?
    It's hard to get go when I have loved him 20 years and we have supported one another in those years. Maybe me more then him because I am a little stronger(not saying better ) but I have had to overcome heath issues and taking care of my mum with dementia plus the devastating effects of infertility I know that hurts him too. Maybe he wants a child and looking for another woman.
    I don't know - just confused I guess. Trying to make sense of it and sense of the world I now live in..(that's lonely and cold)

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    on a sandy beach!
    Posts
    6,345
    Thanks
    336
    Thanked
    2,202
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I might be jumping the massive gun but does he maybe have cancer? :/ or a thyroid issue making him a bit crazy. Has he had a proper check up at the doctor or is he refusing?

    I'm sorry this is happening but I think you need to make peace. Sell the things in the house maybe even the house. U can still try for a baby etc delete him out of your life.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    4
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    HIs family have always hated me, his mum and brother especially when I blew the whistle on his brother for sexually abusing our niece. That broke up a family and the child was blamed. I had numerous arguments with MIL about it as she sided with her son. I could never understand that. My husband's sister hated me the day I met her brother.(it was like some kind of sick jealousy... .....I always suspected his sister adored him a little too much.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    4
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    thanks....no thyroid issues that I know of(I have thyroid issues)...do you mean like brain tumour? I have thought that but I think it's more mental. His mum has major depressive illness and has had signs of "mania" - she is a hoarder, overspends and has had sexual addictions(some are so sick I can't even discuss them here) but my husband was not like this. I am too tired to do anything at the moment and my ttc days are over. I am too old now to have a baby unless I get a donor but honestly I don't have the energy or that now. I have had my house valued and I think about doing it....he gets angry when I talk $$$$. he isn't approachable at the moment. Solicitor said I will come out better financially given my health issues, etc. I guess I am just heavy in mourning and grief. NOt ready to make big decisions. I saw a photo of him on fb the other day and, because he shaves his head, his veins were so prominent In his head. HE has had major sinus issues so I often wonder if he has brain cancer or something else going on. Still care for him because he has been a good husband to me. (before this drama)
    Last edited by Regina16; 10-08-2016 at 22:42.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    22,848
    Thanks
    6,202
    Thanked
    16,895
    Reviews
    10
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Bubhub Blogger - Thanks100 Posts in a week
    It doesn't sound like a mental illness to me - just someone who has been carrying on an affair and now he is out of the marriage, is starting a new life. The weight loss and different hair cut. The sudden interest in cultural stuff of the new gf. The credit cards to travel to Japan and win her over.

    I'm not in any way absolving or making excuses for him. But it sounds like pretty normal behaviour for a cheater who has ended a long relationship to chase another woman.

  8. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to delirium For This Useful Post:

    Mod-Degrassi  (11-08-2016),yadot  (10-08-2016)

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    4
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    Ok Thanks. But the relationship didn't work.. But I suppose he is still looking for one that does. I guess it hurts because it goes against all of his morals that he had initially about affairs and divorce. Then, in some way I must have failed him.

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    22,848
    Thanks
    6,202
    Thanked
    16,895
    Reviews
    10
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Bubhub Blogger - Thanks100 Posts in a week
    I don't think you've failed him at all. He could have chosen to end your relationship kindly, then sought someone else but he chose to cheat. That isn't your fault.

    As to the faith side, I guess just as some find faith in their life, others lose it.

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to delirium For This Useful Post:

    Regina16  (10-08-2016)

  12. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    9,893
    Thanks
    3,053
    Thanked
    5,860
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    I guess this could be some form of mid-life crisis, but whatever the case I think the way he has treated you is completely appalling.

    Can't blame you for being completely confused. I dare say he's just decided the grass must be greener on the other side (like a lot of people do) and has pursued other women and life in another country because he feels it would be more fulfilling. The way he has gone about it though, is completely inconsiderate and selfish.

    I would do your best to focus on yourself and a future without him.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Husband issues
    By Sunsets in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 29-01-2016, 23:19
  2. Mental health plan for children question
    By ICanDream in forum General Child Health Issues
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 15-01-2016, 16:20
  3. Mental health work
    By two souls in forum Hubbers who are studying
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 06-12-2015, 18:38

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Nice Pak Products
Australian Made and Owned. The Baby U Goat Milk Skincare range is enriched with soothing goats milk sourced from country, Victoria. Goat's milk has a pH level close to that of our own skin and contains natural sources of amino acids and vitamins.
sales & new stuffsee all
CarmelsBeautySecrets
Growing your own natural nails is easy. Years ago, I devised a simple and very effective technique which really helps boosts the nails' growth in as little as three days! And most importantly keeps them that way.
featured supporter
LCF Fun Languages Australia
We offer foreign language lessons for children 2-12 yrs in French, Spanish, Mandarin, Italian or German as after-school and preschool clubs or private language tuition. This is play-based, full immersion language learning with proven results!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!