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  1. #21
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    Default Taking back control of my life...

    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I guess the fact that I hate housework, am absolutely completely uselessly unsuited to it and could never derive any life satisfaction from being a housewife / housekeeper is probably a big part of the issue! But I love being home with the kids, that side I'm happy with
    Hey freya. The more I read the more I'm not sure what the underlying issue is.

    If it's not that your expectations/standards are too high, is something else going on? Are you having a rough time with the kids and finding your groove? (Kids can be bloody hard work).

    Could the issue be that you're expectations surrounding being a SAHP aren't realistic? That you happen to hate housework which unfortunately is a pretty big part of being a stay at home parent? (not saying that it should all fall to the SAHP, just that the SAHP at least should make a fair dint in the house duties). In which case I am not sure what the solution would be. Perhaps either pay for a cleaner and/or cease being a SAHP? I just don't know if staying home with the kids and not taking on housework is a realistic goal.
    Last edited by VicPark; 07-08-2016 at 21:50.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by yadot View Post
    Yes it should be shared when he's at home. Otherwise, when do you get a break?

    I feel like maybe you're mostly frustrated with your DH and his lack of support both physically and mentally and it just seems to be weighing you down.

    He really needs to listen to you.

    Counselling? Delegate tasks to him? Would his work? Also, I agree with lowering your daily expectations more and having time to yourself.

    But, freyamum I have 3 and sometimes it can feel like you're drowning :/ and it's easy to say relax etc but I know that's not possible at times and I can't imagine doing it all without a little help from DH
    There's obviously a lot of background I am just not getting.

    From the OP it sounds like the DH does a bit. Makes brekky in the morning, tidy up, home readers, put older kids to bed in the evening.

    Is the DH really doing nothing? I didn't get that vibe from this thread. Or is the issue the OP is both unhappy (with something, not sure what) and this is exasperating the fact that she doesn't like a big chunk of the duties that are part and parcel of being a stay at home parent? (that is the vibe I got from this thread).

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  4. #23
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    OP do you have a cleaning routine? I'm a SAHM at the moment and I treat housework like a job, and tend to schedule certain things on certain days in a fortnightly cycle.

    I don't love housework, but treating it like a job makes it somewhat more bearable and I actually feel grateful that we are in a position to be able to afford it now (I was forced to stop full time paid work due to DD's cancer diagnosis 12 months ago). I stop for lunch and cups of tea, but now that we live on a farm there's always something to do so I try not to sit down for long.

    Can you declutter your house? Are there toys/belongings you can donate/chuck? We used to live in a 5x2 house in Melbourne before we moved to our little farm house, and it only took me a couple of hours a week to clean the whole thing. Maybe a cleaner would help?

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    I'm like Hollywood ^^ I treat my role like a job and I consider I have one (albeit non paying lol). DH works and I work. I stop for some lunch. I must have my coffee or two in the morning before I can even function.

    Can I also suggest an app called Wunderlist? I have it on my phone, and it's the bomb. Not only can you do shopping lists, you can name different lists. So I have Monday to Sunday groups. Then I have housework. When I check something off it gives me a satisfying *ting* and disappears. It has done wonders for my anxiety (which is completely set off by lack of order and mess). So I have to do the tasks by lunch, much like I would in a paid job. I get the baby down for a nap, sit for 30-40 mins then go again.

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  8. #25
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    Yeah I agree with others, and maybe your standards are a touch too high. Homes are for living, not showing (I'm not sure if you do have these super high cleanliness standards, but of course they would add to stress).

    Same as Delirium, I give myself tasks and routines and "time off" (though mine is more like 2 hours in the afternoon. With two under 5 and another on the way, we all need it). And also spontaneous days out doing something fun or different. When you treat the role of SAHM more like a paid job, you realise just how many hours you put into it and can be more forgiving with yourself.

    I think you should definitely look into a fortnightly cleaner, you can get a couple hours for around $60 (maybe less where you live/regular cleaning) and how good would that be for sanity!

  9. #26
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    Thanks for all the replies / ideas.

    So a few things:

    Counselling: I'm seeing someone next week. Just by myself he won't come.

    Routine: 7-8.40. Make ms2 breakie, lunch for mr7. Stick on load of washing. Tidy up after break, get me and ms2 dressed (rarely get to shower), get to school. During this time ms2 watched tv. I don't make to do lists anymore as its too depressing when I never get to any of them. Ms2 does not play independently so she's already watching tv at breakfast and dinner preps. I do shopping online. But usually have to pop shops for extras and veg / fruit. We have been going to playgroup one morning and kindygym another. She won't sleep in her bed during the day so falls asleep in car or lying on me so I can't do anything during this time. Then school pick up and homework or after school activities and dinner etc I'm lucky if I can sort out a load of laundry. When can I declutter??

    Storage: mil is staying and she is a cleaning powerhouse! We've sat and had a good chat about the house and she agrees we should sell but wouldn't say that to her son. So she's trying to help me get organised and even she agrees the house is just weird! There are no walls for book cases / storage etc. she had suggestions and we talked it through and she finally sees that I have been trying really hard to find solutions but it's a very unusual layout / style for young kids much better for teenagers

    Oops better fly school run

  10. #27
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    That's great news about the counselling

    Definitely get some adequate storage. I can feel overwhelmed if things don't have a place and it makes it harder to get motivated when the end result still looks cluttered or messy.
    Take advantage of your MIL being there and sit down together to brainstorm some storage solutions, then go shopping.

  11. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    There's obviously a lot of background I am just not getting.

    From the OP it sounds like the DH does a bit. Makes brekky in the morning, tidy up, home readers, put older kids to bed in the evening.

    Is the DH really doing nothing? I didn't get that vibe from this thread. Or is the issue the OP is both unhappy (with something, not sure what) and this is exasperating the fact that she doesn't like a big chunk of the duties that are part and parcel of being a stay at home parent? (that is the vibe I got from this thread).
    Ok I should explain better. He does do some things around the house. He makes breakfast if I'm not up. Tidies up after dinner (not breakfast). At the weekend he makes one dinner and will go to shops to get groceries - often several times a day as he never thinks beyond that meal. Looks after outdoors. But he does no cleaning, no washing, never ever helps with organising house. Before our youngest I did everything. The house wasn't that organised or clean but with 1 in school and 1 in preschool 2 days a week it was manageable. I didn't even mind tidying up after dinner. But I started stressing when pregnant about how I would cope and really wanted us to get the house more organised. I wrote him and email and said I was struggling (having some hip pains) and if I could sort out better storage and a place for everything would be back me up with getting kids to tidy up. He came home and said. Ok yes I can help but you know you leave your breakfast bowl sitting around on the weekend and it's really annoying you should rinse it straight away. I was thrown by that comment. I was doing everything, tidying up after everyone and he's picking on me for not cleaning my bowl?!?! I used to be able to relax Saturday mornings and didn't rush my breakfast and morning coffee. Then he starts shouting at me and saying there was no need to sort stuff out and buy any new storage that I just needed to use the stuff we have. In hindsight I think that was the start of a bit of depression. I remember crying for a whole day.
    It's hard to explain but it's the way things have evolved to mean house is all my job even if there's too much and we can't talk about house issies without him complaining that I'm complaining

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  13. #29
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    I just lost a big reply.

    I don't need to tell you that this is a bigger problem than just housework. You have had a lot thrown on your plate and the sum total is you no longer feel like you're sitting in the drivers seat of the car that is your life. Feeling a lack of control can lead to anxiety and depression. (Regardless of if you are in control or not, it is more about if you FEEL in control.)

    To help get back a feeling of control, stop trying to control the uncontrollable. Draw a line down a piece of paper with the headings "cannot change (in the near future)" and "can change/work towards right now". Then put every issue/problem into one of the columns.

    Then look at the can't change column... and forget them. Do not waste one more minute thinking, sighing, becoming frsutrated etc with them. You cannot change them, don't waste your energy. I will warn you, it can be hard to accept that some things (eg. DH) for now belong in the can't change column.

    Instead turn that energy to the "can change" column. Give yourself time to work out which ones connect to your deep underlying values and make sure they sit at the top of your 'to do' list. This makes the overwhelming task of "making life better" so much more achievable.

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    Freyamum, I don't think he should dictate how you do your job any more than you could dictate to him how to do his!
    And not every decision has to be jointly made.
    I can't tell you what to do but if it were me I'd start with a big list for storage and head to Kmart.
    There's some great ideas on the Kmart mums FB page for storage and it's all very reasonably priced.
    Set a little project, get the kids involved to and they might take more care of their stuff.

    I would also get that safe area sorted. Just do it.
    What's the worst he's going to say?
    Your DD won't play independently now but when she does you're both going to benefit from a little time apart, let her do her thing while you do yours.
    Mine go out the back and play all day, weather permitting.
    This house is shabby and old but the garden is huge and safe, it's the only reason why we wanted to rent here. I actually cried the day we moved in as it was so neglected but I've gotten over it and have done the best I can with it.

    My personal little godsend is DH's gaming headset.
    I can walk all over the house and garden with those things on and tuned into the radio or a podcast, anything that engages the brain a bit while I potter.
    Before I know it the work is done and I've barely acknowledged the drudgery

    Great noise cancellation too so the kids can whinge all they like, mammy doesn't care.


    I should add that I can still hear the kids, they're just muffled.

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