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  1. #11
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    Maybe try a "home holiday" for a set amount of time?

    - toast, baked beans, jaffles, pancakes etc for dinners. Paper plates if needed, minimal prep and clean up
    - only wash kids and your clothes
    - shove all toys at end of each day into boxes etc, don't sort, just basic tidy to pop them out the way so nobody trips
    - on the day you have no kids home, organise an activity for you and stick to it. Even half a day. Gym class, coffee, walk outdoors, catch up with another mum friend, hairdresser, nails? I call this "sanity time". It will make a difference to your week

    All the best.

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  3. #12
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    Before anything changes I think you need to make a decision you are going to try *something*. It may not work so you try something else. I see you stuck in a rut where the ladies here give you good advice but you don't seem to heed it. I understand that may be from some anxiety or depression but nothing is going to change just doing the same thing and hating it. Make a decision today that you are going to try most or all of the suggestions members give you to find a solution.

    And I'll say what I say in every thread. The issue isn't the house. Or the kids. Or the mess. It's your DH and possible depression and/or anxiety.

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  5. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Hey OP. Apologies - I can't recall other posts on your experiences. Based on this post alone I get the impression both yourself and your hubby are doing a reasonable amount, and your feeling like crap is more about your expectations and standards being too high for your current situation (3x young kids).

    Lower your standards, have no expectations and use the spare time that accumulates throughout the day to do something nice for yourself (exercise, coffee with a friend etc).
    Agree

  6. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Isn't the second person redundant when shopping? They could be doing something else at home like child minding/doing the vacuuming.

    Apologies if I missed something. I hate grocery shopping - hubby and I take it in turns now.
    Yea probably but we both hate in equally so we suffer together.

  7. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by mmaf View Post
    Can you downsize the house at all? Put the kids in a shared room and turn the other one into a guest room that stays shut off unless needed? Or have the study/formal dining/other not need rooms closed off and just lightly dusted/vacuumed once a fortnight/month/as needed?

    I understand the frustration, I find it annoying mentioning chores to DH, like I'm asking him to do one of my jobs when really it should be shared. I think a lot of things just don't bleep on his radar to be honest- unless sheets get dirty or towels smell the idea of changing them doesn't even cross his mind.
    This! I feel like if I ask him to do stuff it's like he's going to do it to help me with MY chores. But it's not my job to do all the housework. I should just look after kids and do my best while he's at work but after that it should be shared. Even being the one to make lists of what needs to be done ****es me off. I already have to organise all the kids activities / social life / parties etc...

  8. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Californication View Post
    OP, have you tried any of the strategies people have suggested in all your other posts? I know sometimes it's hard to take the first step, but nothing will change unless you do. Get a cleaner, close off room, de-clutter. All these things have been suggested before and will help. It might mean a few months of pain while you get things sorted, but after that, things can only get better.

    I too have a large house - 5x2 with 2 living areas, plus I run a home based business and do DH's admin/book work. I hate cleaning with a passion, but it has to be done. We used to have a cleaner which was awesome. She'd come fortnightly and do all the big stuff. But finances changed and we had to let her go. I force myself to do 2 hours a day and manage to keep on top of it and also do at least 1 load of washing daily. Hubby works long hours and often weekends so isn't around to do much either. Kids are 6 and 4 and I make them clean up their toys, eldest helps the youngest with showers while I cook dinner and they both do jobs - even simple things like taking the rubbish to the big bin helps a lot. I know having a 2yo makes things harder for you, but get the older ones involved in the housework. They might grumble, but they are part of the family and the main mess makers!

    I have felt like you in the past - trapped and hating my life. But I have learnt to accept it. We decided I would be home, so home is my "job". I don't want to go back to full-time work outside the home, so I've made peace with it. If you do want to study or work, then get some paid help. It will make a massive difference to your life.
    Not for me. I did at one point accept that the house stuff was part of the deal with being able to be home with the kids. However, the housework is not my job. Doing my best to keep up with washing and healthy meals while he's at work. Yes. But the fact is over the years the housekeeping end of things has grown out of control. Beyond my capabilities. If his job description had changed over they years so he was expected to do 90% filing and the workload increased so he had to work 6am- 9pm and all weekend, he would quit! But that's what's happened to me. We started off with me staying home to look after 1 child, zero housework, then 2 minimum housework but now there's 3 and stupidly big house (IMHO). I know everyone's workload increases as their brood increases but I absolutely do not accept that me not working means everything to do with the house is ultimately my responsibility. If we employed a nanny she wouldn't be expected to do all the shopping and housework as well as caring for the kids.
    I guess the fact that I hate housework, am absolutely completely uselessly unsuited to it and could never derive any life satisfaction from being a housewife / housekeeper is probably a big part of the issue! But I love being home with the kids, that side I'm happy with

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  10. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    This! I feel like if I ask him to do stuff it's like he's going to do it to help me with MY chores. But it's not my job to do all the housework. I should just look after kids and do my best while he's at work but after that it should be shared. Even being the one to make lists of what needs to be done ****es me off. I already have to organise all the kids activities / social life / parties etc...
    Yes it should be shared when he's at home. Otherwise, when do you get a break?

    I feel like maybe you're mostly frustrated with your DH and his lack of support both physically and mentally and it just seems to be weighing you down.

    He really needs to listen to you.

    Counselling? Delegate tasks to him? Would his work? Also, I agree with lowering your daily expectations more and having time to yourself.

    But, freyamum I have 3 and sometimes it can feel like you're drowning :/ and it's easy to say relax etc but I know that's not possible at times and I can't imagine doing it all without a little help from DH

  11. #18
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    Can you just hire a cleaner? I have one come fortnightly and she does all my big jobs (that I hate) eg cleaning the shower, mopping, dusting (the lot). Then in between weeks all I need to do is a quick clean of the bathroom and vacuuming (plus normal washing and keeping the kitchen clean). I work, DH works and we aren't home much on weekends, having a fortnightly cleaner keeps us sane and happy. We also have a gardener come every 2 or 3 months to give our garden a once over and keep it tidy. I really think you should seriously consider doing this, it's a small price to pay for some sanity IMO.

  12. #19
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    For what it's worth @Freyamum, I don't think the problem is the house, the housework, the endless mundaneness of domesticity. I think you are deeply unhappy in your life and relationship and it manifests in you struggling to stay on top of the day to day and procrastination. You've been in this position for some time but nothing seems to change. Have you tried anything concrete? What has worked and what hasn't?
    Have you accessed any counseling either by yourself or with DH? It might be worthwhile to help you with some coping strategies and helping you make a start and take some action. And perhaps help you work out whether your relationship is salvageable. It may not be.
    But in working on the symptoms... If the house bothers you that much that it is severely impacting your mental health then you need to be very strong in telling your DH this. Discuss it in a counseling session. Threaten to leave if the stupid house isn't put on the market.
    Make the house more user friendly. Close off rooms. Install fabulous storage. My toddler pulls everything out. It takes me less than 5 minutes 1-2 times a day to put it all back in the toy boxes. If it's more than this then just get rid of the excess stuff so she has less to destroy. Close off rooms so she can't get to stuff.
    If DH won't sell the house and you choose to accept that and stay then negotiate investing some money into making the house easier to maintain. Eg we have only hard floors in our house so it is easier to vacuum/mop. We have lots of storage etc.
    Your other kids are school aged. They should be keeping their own rooms tidy.
    Strictly limit kids after school/weeks activities. Giving them 1-2 things to choose is not unreasonable and does not make you a bad parent.
    Pay a cleaner. Pay an organizer to come in and get you set up.
    Do online grocery shopping once a week.
    Organize your day like a work day - schedule in everything. What do your days currently look like. What is getting done? What isn't getting done? Why?
    You need to work out a reasonable delineation of tasks between DH and yourself based on his hours out at work (so how much time does he physically have to get stuff done) and a reasonable amount for you given that you are home full time. You will do more than him by virtue of being home but you both need to figure out what's ok in that respect.
    What time does your DH get home? Can you get a job doing supermarket nightfill or something in the evening? Just to get you out of the house earning some money and talking to others?
    There's so much resentment evident in your relationship is this holding things back from working better? I do think counseling would help immensely. If DH refuses this then again you need to seriously question whether there is enough there to salvage. He may be a great dad (is he?) but he doesn't seem like a great DH right now and you deserve to be happy in your relationship. And happy in yourself. Moving house is not going to fix the deep communication/resentment issues and your general unhappiness.
    I'm sorry for my bluntness. I want to see you happy and fulfilled and thriving

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  14. #20
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    Write up a daily household cleaning/chore plan; the basics that have to be done daily and then one larger task. Get it all out of the way in the morning and then spend the rest of the day doing whatever you want.

    Also implement daily chores for the kids and make it clear what are your dp's responsibilities.


 

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