+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 5 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 48
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    976
    Thanks
    546
    Thanked
    343
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Taking back control of my life...

    Without going into it too much as my 2 year old is crawling over me I'm trying to figure out how to get some sense of control over my days / life. I've been sahm for 9 years it's been up and down but it's much harder with #3 as other 2 in school and lots of after school activities. I feel completely trapped in our house by the basics of getting them to/from school / after school things with clean clothes / properly fed. Our house is too big and too much maintenance for me. There's no safe outdoor space for ms2. But dp flat out refuses to discuss any of my issues with the house. He will make younger kids breakfast and his own and off to work. Home 7 and will tidy up while I'm putting ms2 to bed. But just basic dinner dishes. He often has to do both their home readers and put older ones to bed as ms2 needs me to lie down with her and I can't keep myself awake. He'll say things like I should get out of the house more but he has no idea how much there is to do and how much catching up there is whenever I do.
    So the thing the makes it feel totally out of my control and like this is my prison is that I am the one getting them ready for school / feeding them / making sure all those school notes etc are organised. I have to be here to pick them up and bring them to their activities. I can't just not feed them. If it was just me and dp I would strike and do nothing but that's not possible. If I let the house get into a complete state I'm the one who will spend the most time in that state and I'm the one who is stuck when we can't find things. Does that make sense?
    I'm thinking maybe I'll just do absolute basics during the week and then have a mega list for the weekend to get through? Maybe us never being able to do things cus I'm too busy with housework will make him aware? Or probably not but maybe I can reclaim some control over some of my daytime? Like during ms2s 6 hours of childcare I stop running around like a headless chicken and sit and read or exercise or research some study / job ideas?

    Can anyone relate???? Ideas???

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    4,290
    Thanks
    8,234
    Thanked
    3,935
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts

    Default Taking back control of my life...

    Hi freyamum. I keep hoping things improve for you but it never happens

    Personally, I let things like housework slide and do bare minimum and concentrate on my mental well being. Like you on dd1's daycare day I used to rub around like a headless chook but after still not achieving as much as I had always planned I decided to concentrate on just spending time alone with dd2. And napping lol. I accept this place will be a cesspit until all kids are in school. It bothers me a little but I've come to terms with it.

    I make sure I do all the painful but necessary tasks on the weekend so my dh can witness how busy I am and the pain I am in lol

    I'm not sure though if doing that will really help with your happiness. You have a lot of issues at play. It's not just about housework and I think you know that.

    I hope you find happiness in your situation or find a way to change it so you are xxxx

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to Little Miss Sunshine For This Useful Post:

    Freyamum  (07-08-2016)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    976
    Thanks
    546
    Thanked
    343
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Little Miss Sunshine View Post
    Hi freyamum. I keep hoping things improve for you but it never happens

    Personally, I let things like housework slide and do bare minimum and concentrate on my mental well being. Like you on dd1's daycare day I used to rub around like a headless chook but after still not achieving as much as I had always planned I decided to concentrate on just spending time alone with dd2. And napping lol. I accept this place will be a cesspit until all kids are in school. It bothers me a little but I've come to terms with it.

    I make sure I do all the painful but necessary tasks on the weekend so my dh can witness how busy I am and the pain I am in lol

    I'm not sure though if doing that will really help with your happiness. You have a lot of issues at play. It's not just about housework and I think you know that.

    I hope you find happiness in your situation or find a way to change it so you are xxxx
    Does doing those tasks on the weekend make any difference?

  5. #4
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    4,786
    Thanks
    1,021
    Thanked
    2,246
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    Does doing those tasks on the weekend make any difference?
    I have cracked it with DH and we both do the housework on the weekends now. For example on Saturday I say "here is the vacum cleaner you vacum and I mop". Same with laundry I make him sit with me a fold it and dishes he unpacks the dishwasher I load it etc. On the week days I just do whatever is urgent. He doesn't get home till late so I don't expect him cleaning at 9pm.
    And grocery shopping I make him come with me even tho he hates it, he either comes or he doesn't eat.
    I had to put my foot down otherwise I would of had a breakdown, I was seriously ready to walk out on him.

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    6,869
    Thanks
    4,776
    Thanked
    4,210
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    OP from the numerous other threads you've posted on this topic, this appears to be a recurring issue for you. I feel terrible for you. I do believe the issue is not really to do with scheduling chores or finding more efficient ways to spend your time. your issue is with an unsupportive and unhelpful partner who refuses to acknowledge your issues with staying on top of maintaining the household.

    if you're in a house that's too big, and he refuses to help, you just do the bare minimum as LMS had suggested. compromising your mental wellbeing for the sake of a clean house isn't worth it. maybe then he will realise he needs to step up.

    do you have a cleaner/is getting a cleaner an option?

    grocery shopping - what about Coles delivery service?

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    262
    Thanks
    322
    Thanked
    173
    Reviews
    0
    Can you downsize the house at all? Put the kids in a shared room and turn the other one into a guest room that stays shut off unless needed? Or have the study/formal dining/other not need rooms closed off and just lightly dusted/vacuumed once a fortnight/month/as needed?

    I understand the frustration, I find it annoying mentioning chores to DH, like I'm asking him to do one of my jobs when really it should be shared. I think a lot of things just don't bleep on his radar to be honest- unless sheets get dirty or towels smell the idea of changing them doesn't even cross his mind.

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    casino
    Posts
    1,958
    Thanks
    2,916
    Thanked
    333
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I've seen a few of your posts OP & I can relate to them all. I was in similar situation although my exDP didn't help me at all I literally went on strike for 2weeks I did nothing other than get DS ready for preschool & feed kids &I myself. ExDP soon realised how much I actually did. & pulled his weight a lot more. I suggest putting your mental health first. Xx

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Country WA
    Posts
    6,643
    Thanks
    3,135
    Thanked
    3,028
    Reviews
    13
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    OP, have you tried any of the strategies people have suggested in all your other posts? I know sometimes it's hard to take the first step, but nothing will change unless you do. Get a cleaner, close off room, de-clutter. All these things have been suggested before and will help. It might mean a few months of pain while you get things sorted, but after that, things can only get better.

    I too have a large house - 5x2 with 2 living areas, plus I run a home based business and do DH's admin/book work. I hate cleaning with a passion, but it has to be done. We used to have a cleaner which was awesome. She'd come fortnightly and do all the big stuff. But finances changed and we had to let her go. I force myself to do 2 hours a day and manage to keep on top of it and also do at least 1 load of washing daily. Hubby works long hours and often weekends so isn't around to do much either. Kids are 6 and 4 and I make them clean up their toys, eldest helps the youngest with showers while I cook dinner and they both do jobs - even simple things like taking the rubbish to the big bin helps a lot. I know having a 2yo makes things harder for you, but get the older ones involved in the housework. They might grumble, but they are part of the family and the main mess makers!

    I have felt like you in the past - trapped and hating my life. But I have learnt to accept it. We decided I would be home, so home is my "job". I don't want to go back to full-time work outside the home, so I've made peace with it. If you do want to study or work, then get some paid help. It will make a massive difference to your life.

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to Californication For This Useful Post:

    Janesmum123  (07-08-2016)

  11. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    12,708
    Thanks
    9,558
    Thanked
    12,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/1/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 7/11/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 3/10/14100 Posts in a week
    Hey OP. Apologies - I can't recall other posts on your experiences. Based on this post alone I get the impression both yourself and your hubby are doing a reasonable amount, and your feeling like crap is more about your expectations and standards being too high for your current situation (3x young kids).

    Lower your standards, have no expectations and use the spare time that accumulates throughout the day to do something nice for yourself (exercise, coffee with a friend etc).

  12. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    12,708
    Thanks
    9,558
    Thanked
    12,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/1/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 7/11/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 3/10/14100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by Janesmum123 View Post
    And grocery shopping I make him come with me even tho he hates it, he either comes or he doesn't eat.
    .
    Isn't the second person redundant when shopping? They could be doing something else at home like child minding/doing the vacuuming.

    Apologies if I missed something. I hate grocery shopping - hubby and I take it in turns now.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 10
    Last Post: 25-06-2016, 15:57
  2. Mosquito control
    By HeavenBlue in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 19-10-2015, 18:05
  3. Pest control
    By onelasttime in forum House & Gardens
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 02-09-2015, 21:51

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Softer than your bub's bum Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Australia's favourite eco brand has delivered a gorgeous baby collection. Made from organic bamboo, Boody's extraordinarily soft and stretchy, skin-friendly tops, bottoms, onesies, bibs and wraps don't 'cost the earth'. Get 20% OFF! Code BUBHUB16.
sales & new stuffsee all
Pea Pods
Buy 2 Award Winning Pea Pods Reusable One Size Nappies for only $38 (in your choice of colours) and receive a FREE roll of Bamboo Liners. Don't miss out, we don't usually have discounts on the nappies, so grab this special offer!
Special Offer! Save $12
featured supporter
Baby Sensory
Baby Sensory is the only baby programme that offers a complete approach to learning & development. Our classes offer an exciting world full of fun sensory experiences for parents and babies to enjoy.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!