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  1. #1
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    Default don't trust husband and want out

    4 years ago my husband went away for work and got drunk and sms a women from his work (she was not with him on the work trip). He smg her sexy sms at 2am.

    Well today he away on a work trip with several work people including her. His last sms was at like 7pm. I sms him at 9 saying good night and did not hear back. I sms him at 2am saying I can't sleep because i am having horrible anxiety (and he knows why)

    Being a business trip he is probably passed out drunk. I also believe there is only a 20% chance that he would do anything

    But it's been 4 years and I am still so stressed every time he goes away and he doesn't feel the need to put in any effort to make sure i am ok mentally. He just says nothing happened he loves me and that should be enough.

    Well I'm sitting here wide awake at 3am with 4yr old and 6 month old asleep and I am thinking of divorcing him..... There has also been internet infidelity before we had children. I know i made the choice to stay/have kids etc. But now can I make the choice to accept that I am just not getting over this at all and It's time to leave. We have had marriage counseling but it's not been very helpful. I feel like all she did was tell me to respect the fact that my husband has made improvements and not just be angry with him.

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    In all honesty you need to find a way to move past this. If he is going to cheat he will and there won't be anything you can do stop it. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it for you to accept because once you accept that this out of your control it will free you.. From one person who used to worry about similar things to another.

  4. #3
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    I agree with @Joeee. I would suggest counselling. Not sure if this is something you had done earlier but it is important for you to work through your feelings. Also I would suggest you have some sessions together so you both talk about it. Good luck. I hope you got some sleep xxx

  5. #4
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    A woman's intuition is very strong, I think. Not sure if this is helpful, but speaking from personal experience, if you think he's up to something, he usually is. Of course I may be wrong.

  6. #5
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    Hun it sucks your hubby strayed Internet-wise years ago. And it sucks he sent a colleague an inappropriate text.

    Prior to this work trip how has hubby been around the house? To you? Has he been there for his kids?

    If he has been good please do not throw barbs into your marriage just yet. Please do not expect unreasonable things (text response at 2am is unreasonable) that in time may drive your husband away (possibly into the arms of another). Please do not sabotage your marriage first so you don't have to deal with possible rejection that may (or may not) come. Perhaps seek out counseling for just yourself. The green and red eyed monster will probably stay with you regardless of whether you leave your hubby or not so it's best to care for yourself now and get it sorted.

    Of course if your husband is being a **** in normal everyday life and/or currently cheating that's a different kettle of fish.

    Good luck.

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    I would suggest the following....

    ~Counselling (find a good one)

    ~Talking to each other like adults, not in an attack mode and don't let your anger do the talking

    ~possibly write down your concerns and address them to him

    ~if you can't face him maybe email it to him and see how he responds

    I know and understand when your angry everything takes over and you think the worse (but in reality it's just your anger and possibly anxiety, fear)

    Like another poster said, you don't want to push him to another woman's arms.

    Balance up everything and I'm sure you will see sense and make the right decision.
    Good luck

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    SuperGranny  (05-08-2016)

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    I agree with @Joeee. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

    If he doesn't have the decency to SMS you good night, and let you know everything this is all good, he's a jerk.

    I'd recommend seeing a counsellor to sort through your feelings and the practicalities of if all. If not then, a close friend or family member.

    I know it's much harder with kids, but trust me, they'd rather come from a divorced home with decent co-parents than married parent who hate each other.
    @VicPark - all due respect, but telling her not to sabotage her married is BS. If I messaged my husband, he replies within a reasonable amount of time. This is not her fault. Telling her to not be unreasonable is crap. I don't know what some of you women put up with, but this is not acceptable behaviour, especially given what has transpired in the past.

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    I'm going to look at this from another angle. My DH, despite my attempts at explaining it, just doesn't 'get' my anxiety. I don't have severe anxiety, but it's definitely always been an issue for me.

    For example a few weeks ago he was taking the kids to his folk's house to stay the night. It's 2.5 hours drive plus dinner stop as they were leaving late in the day.

    I text around 9ish - after they would have got there but before they would be ready for bed - nothing! So stay up late distracting myself while I wait for a reply then text again in the wee hours. Nothing! I get a text at 7am the next day... in the meantime I've been having nightmares of losing my whole family in a car crash or who knows what.

    This happens to me every time DH is off somewhere and my texts are not replied to. My anxiety has me painting out every worst case scenario in my head!

    It's really hard to trust your intuition while anxiety is at play.

    If you think this is a factor blurring your vision on the matter, I would spend some time working on yourself -with a psychologist plus other methods - to get to the root causes of your anxiety and get techniques to manage it.

    Then, if you're still suspicious you will know it is his actions causing your suspicions, not your own thoughts. Plus you'll hopefully be in a better headspace moving forward either way.

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  13. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    I'm going to look at this from another angle. My DH, despite my attempts at explaining it, just doesn't 'get' my anxiety. I don't have severe anxiety, but it's definitely always been an issue for me.

    For example a few weeks ago he was taking the kids to his folk's house to stay the night. It's 2.5 hours drive plus dinner stop as they were leaving late in the day.

    I text around 9ish - after they would have got there but before they would be ready for bed - nothing! So stay up late distracting myself while I wait for a reply then text again in the wee hours. Nothing! I get a text at 7am the next day... in the meantime I've been having nightmares of losing my whole family in a car crash or who knows what.

    This happens to me every time DH is off somewhere and my texts are not replied to. My anxiety has me painting out every worst case scenario in my head!

    It's really hard to trust your intuition while anxiety is at play.

    If you think this is a factor blurring your vision on the matter, I would spend some time working on yourself -with a psychologist plus other methods - to get to the root causes of your anxiety and get techniques to manage it.

    Then, if you're still suspicious you will know it is his actions causing your suspicions, not your own thoughts. Plus you'll hopefully be in a better headspace moving forward either way.
    My husband does exactly the same! He just doesn't realise that I need to know he's ok or I start imagining horrible car crash scenarios. He's a bit of a reckless driver so I feel like these thoughts are justified.

    On 2 occasions I really started losing it, crying and sending very upset messages because I literally started imagining his car tangled around a tree or something.

    He's a lot better now that he realised how hard it is for me when I don't hear from him (he goes out a lot in evenings) so he keeps his phone charged and off silent so he can reply quickly if I'm worried (which isn't often - as I said, in 9 years together, I've only lost it twice).

    OP - it's a hard situation to be in because of his dishonesty in the past, but has he given you any other reason to think he's been unfaithful aside from the one SMS years ago and not replying to your messages on this one business trip?

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  15. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by ilex View Post
    @VicPark - all due respect, but telling her not to sabotage her married is BS. If I messaged my husband, he replies within a reasonable amount of time. This is not her fault. Telling her to not be unreasonable is crap. I don't know what some of you women put up with, but this is not acceptable behaviour, especially given what has transpired in the past.
    If this was happening on a regular basis I would agree with you, but one time in the last 4 years seems a bit unreasonable.


 

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