VicPark has made some random typos here 😟
And perhaps some posters have climbed up a little too high on their equine friends?
OP, what a challenging situation. This little girl has been through unimaginable trauma and has had no real stability in her life. I can see why she is behaving the way she is.
I think most people would struggle to understand how to parent in this context. It is out of the realms of 'normal' parenting. Which is why seeking professional help is so important. I think you need to be this little girl's advocate and get her to a GP for a referral to professionals.
To be honest I don't understand why her father isn't moving mountains to get help for her and for you all, but you still can.
Agree with previous posters, this little little girl in her three years has had no stability, god knows what she has been through,she really needs time to get to know you all and to love and trust you all, she needs so much love and support. I would use treats and reward charts to encourage her to go to the toilet and to behave how you would like her too, I would also be moving mountains to get her some help, I would be keeping my mind wide open to advice.
You don't sound like a bad person but you are really going to need to be flexible to work your way through this, you both need to really let this little girl into your hearts, things will change but it is going to take some time with lots of love, consistency and positive reinforcement.
Your parenting style isn't wrong or bad. It just may not be what this little girl needs at this point in time. And you know what they say about continuing the same course of action and expecting a different outcome...
From what you've said, this little girl needs professional help. I can't imagine why her Dad would see that negatively and not as a positive step in her healing from what she's experienced.
Your daughter has not had a normal start to life .... She needs a different approach and I think when you say she "shuts down" that this is her own quiet way of saying, "...hey Mum and Dad, I am not coping" and that this is her way of communicating that she needs your help (and your help to access outside help) to find her way and to support her to build new relationships with you and your partner.
All the best.
I think everyone has actually given really great and supportive advice so I don't really understand why you're getting upset by it unless it's not what you want to hear.
Three is still so little and she's had so much happen in those three years, you need to cut her some slack and understand that, at least for a while, she needs to be parented differently. What you're doing obviously isn't working so it's time to change your mindset. Biscotti is right, she's trying to tell you she's not coping. Please get some professional help, I am sure you can be referred by your gp for free.
Go back to her case workers and ask them for help. If they're not giving adequate advice or help, go to the manager, if that's ignored, go further up the chain.
Given they will have a record of her history, there would be supports they could put in place.
Take her to your GP and ask for a referral to a paed and/or child psychologist.
Cuddle her when she falls.
Give her some leeway when it comes to acting out and saying things like 'shut up', instead of punishing her. She knows no different.
Be her advocate and don't give up; you will get there eventually, you just need to do everything you can. 3+ years of trauma can not be undone in 6 months.
Last edited by atomicmama; 04-08-2016 at 20:24.
But I do believe you're going to have to change your approach to parenting in order for her to thrive. Not because it's wrong. But because she's going to NEED something different & so much patience, reassurance & kindness.
Not only has this little girl had a very hard start to life but she was exposed to drugs in the uterus. Because of those drugs her brain is affected and you need to recognise that.
Good on you for taking on such a huge responsibility and I hope with a few adjustments you all find happiness
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