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  1. #1
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    Unhappy help with our 3 year old

    Hi there, first time posting. I'm in need of help with our 3 year old. A little background info. My partner had his daughter taken by the department because his ex was addicted to multiple drugs, prostituting, taking drugs while pregnant and prostituting while pregnant. When she left the department was all for reunification. It was a long process with some case workers trying to delay the reunification but my partner won and the 3 year old came home full time on the 1st of January. We have since learnt that the carers taught her to be seen and not heard. To not run around and play or be loud.

    My step daughter is toilet trained. We have seen her go by herself when visitors have been over. But when it's just us it's a nightmare. She will go to the toilet in the morning and then not go until she starts crying out of the blue. She's beyond the point of being reminded to go. She will flat out refuse to go until she's sobbing and we don't know what to do. We are worried that we will have to take her to the hospital because we fear she might have kidney problems. She'll even hold on during nap time.

    We also have a problem with her eating. She will take 2 hours to eat a half of a sandwich. Tonight she refused to eat dinner. We believe that we shouldn't have to make a special meal just because they wont eat what is given to them. When she's told off or told that what she did wasn't nice she shuts down and refuses to speak or answer any questions. She does this every time she doesn't get her way. We don't believe in giving treats for going to the toilet when she knows how to.

    An example is we were having a nice chat in the car when she all of a sudden told her father to shut up. This of course did not go down well with dad. He told her that what she said was very rude and naughty. Cue the shut down and not say anything, even when asked to apologise. The kids were getting treats that afternoon so we told her that her brother is still getting her treat but she is not because she was rude to daddy. And the tears. If she doesn't get her way or get what she wants she goes stone cold silent. Even when we have put her on the step for time out and we ask her if she knows why she is there or if she wants to get off the step all we get is silence.

    We need help.

  2. #2
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    This little girl has had a very stressful start to life. You need to go back to square one. If that means rewarding for using the toilet then do it.

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  4. #3
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    Hi, I would strongly recommend a referral to a paediatrician and possibly a psychologist for an assessment of the underlying issues and to provide you with strategies to try at home. You can get this referral from the GP under Medicare.

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    Quote Originally Posted by amyd View Post
    This little girl has had a very stressful start to life. You need to go back to square one. If that means rewarding for using the toilet then do it.
    I agree with this. Back to basics with everything I think.

    Poor little poppet sounds like a lost soul.

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  8. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by amyd View Post
    This little girl has had a very stressful start to life. You need to go back to square one. If that means rewarding for using the toilet then do it.
    We have tried the back to basics and nothing changed. She actually stopped talking all together when we did. We were hoping that once she goes to kindy things would change but centrelink refuses to help us with jett fee so we will be lucky if we can afford to send her 1 days a week. We also cant afford psych sessions and her father doesnt want to take that road. We had the department on our sides and then they up and left when she came home full time because they knew we could take them to court since the carers never transitioned her for us and basically coddled her and treated her like a little doll which is not how we raise our kids. We raise them tough and adventurous.

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    Default help with our 3 year old

    Quote Originally Posted by silverfox View Post
    the carers never transitioned her for us and basically coddled her and treated her like a little doll which is not how we raise our kids. We raise them tough and adventurous.
    Look, no judgement.
    But you have to understand that she's not had a normal loving upbringing.
    You need to be flexible.
    You can have all the ideas in the world how to raise your kids but patenting isn't a one size fits all approach.
    Sounds like this poor girl needs a lot of more love and support than your other kids.
    Whether that's with treats, letting things slide and "coddling" her.
    Sounds like she's not capable of being "tough and adventurous" right now, and is in need of love and stability.
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 04-08-2016 at 18:48.

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    Quote Originally Posted by silverfox View Post
    We have tried the back to basics and nothing changed. She actually stopped talking all together when we did. We were hoping that once she goes to kindy things would change but centrelink refuses to help us with jett fee so we will be lucky if we can afford to send her 1 days a week. We also cant afford psych sessions and her father doesnt want to take that road. We had the department on our sides and then they up and left when she came home full time because they knew we could take them to court since the carers never transitioned her for us and basically coddled her and treated her like a little doll which is not how we raise our kids. We raise them tough and adventurous.
    Before you start on your 'tough and adventurous' path this child needs immediate psychological help. Who knows what atrocities she has been exposed to. She's been in care and now with you. She has seen no stability. It is no wonder she is having issues. Having said that these don't seem to be major issues (yet) so a little bit of professional help should go a long way before they do turn into big issues.
    I am sure you can access some free Paediatrician /psychologist support through your local public hospital. She needs help. Not punishment.
    And for what it's worth with what this tiny little human has been through I think the carers did the right thing 'coddling' her. Coddle her some more. She is 3 years old.

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  13. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by silverfox View Post
    We raise them tough and adventurous.
    This is incredibly unfair.

    I'm not sure how long she has been back in your care but I suspect she is going to need a lot of extra TLC until she is comfortable in her new home. She would need to develop trust in you both too.

    You absolutely should expect difficult behavior considering her circumstances. Add to that she's a 3yo.

    If you genuinely can't utilize professional help, I sincerely hope ppl on here can help you both learn to parent her kindly.

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    Quote Originally Posted by silverfox View Post
    We have tried the back to basics and nothing changed. She actually stopped talking all together when we did. We were hoping that once she goes to kindy things would change but centrelink refuses to help us with jett fee so we will be lucky if we can afford to send her 1 days a week. We also cant afford psych sessions and her father doesnt want to take that road. We had the department on our sides and then they up and left when she came home full time because they knew we could take them to court since the carers never transitioned her for us and basically coddled her and treated her like a little doll which is not how we raise our kids. We raise them tough and adventurous.
    I'm sure you could get a referral to a free child psychologist if you need to. I think that's the best thing for her. If her father refuses (why does he refuse? How strange..) then maybe an occupational therapist who can teach you strategies to help with her behaviour.

    I know you have a certain way with your other children but if one of them was say, autistic, would you enforce a blanket parenting method on that child even if that wasn't what was best for them? I would look at your step daughter as a child with special needs. I know it's not the same as ASD but she's had a rough start to life and is obviously going through a seriously turbulent transition from one household to the next, and don't forget, she's only 3. Maybe your expectations are a little harsh.

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    I'm a carer who works with kids in out of home care. I'll be back once my kids are asleep.

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