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  1. #1
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    Default WWYD Lying Husband possible trigger

    Im a regular hubber under cover as this is a topic that is shameful to admit.
    Im not a troll I need some objective advice..

    Sorry for the long post..

    Background

    Me 38 & DH 41 together 17 years & married for 8 years
    I child after many years of IVF treatment.

    DH has always had a few issues with telling the truth.. Now a sexual fetish for him, has taken over and ruining our relationship.

    Ive lived my life to the extreme in many ways.
    Im sexually adventuress, I have brought swinging & me having same sex relationships into our marriage.
    He was not that comfortable with it and felt like he was cheating.. But if I pushed he would go along with it.
    He would get angry at me for taking drugs, to go to rave parties or sex parties. But if I pressured him he would go along with it.
    We advised our FS very clearly when we were doing IVF.. Also I always had safe sex, he knew we were in our 30s and bored..

    Our relationship has been good, bar one issue. He lies to me all the time, small little lies.. Sometimes bigger lies.. Over small things, or lying by not telling the full story.. Many examples of these lies, like did you get to work on time, he would say "yeah pretty much" but really what the means I spent to long at the shops on the way to work, threw away the lunch you made me, and bought stuff, but pretty much made it on time".

    Our life has clearly slowed down, and no more drugs expect for a recent concert.
    No more swinging, either.

    Sorry for the long back story, but so you know where we are at..

    I found out several years ago my husband had a sexual fetish for womens pantyhose.. I did not know how deep this went until the other year..
    As I am sexually open, and if my husband chose to he can have sex with another woman.. I dont own him..
    I had found lots and I mean lots and lots of pantyhose in the house.. It clearly had become a huge thing for him.
    So we had a talk about it, he said he would not do this anymore... I promise.. I thew away a shopping bag full of them. I wont buy them for myself, cause I cant trust him..
    But again, I have found them hidden under the draws... I then set a trap, went out.. To see what happens..
    I go out, ask him very very directly what have you been up too.. Blah blah..
    I said to him, tell me the truth.. Nope he didnt..
    I left him a note, with his hidden stash.. I called him a creepy guy..
    After a week of silent treatment, I said I know what you have been up too again..

    So now we have had another throw out.... and a huge fight

    These are the issues..
    I treat him like crap because he has lied to me.. broken my trust too many times..
    He says he is justified as I dont have a kind word to say to him anymore. Yes Im hurt and he has been lying yet again..
    We dont have a s.ex life anymore, since the arrival of our child.

    I dont know if I can keep going on like this..
    He will just keep lying to me.. I feel like a fool, for even trusting him..
    We have been to counselling before..
    Who could just turn a blind eye this, I dont think I can..

    Now he has bought himself recovery tights, he says they are helping with this circulation. And wearing these around the house and for sports.
    I dont believe him..

    What can I do? Is this relationship over

    Please Im after some objective advice.. Please be kind..

  2. #2
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    My partner has lied to me a couple of times (little lies) but that is a couple of times too many. If you are in a relationship, I believe lying has no place in it. I don't really have any advice, I hope you can work it out.

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    I'm so sorry you feel this way.

    Do you think your resentment is because he is lying, but maybe your feeling a little repressed? As in why does he get the enjoy what he wants and I don't?

    My DH lies, little white lies, but lies none the less. I hate it, absolutely hate it. But his reasoning is that he never wants to hurt me. Could it be your DH is possibly embarrassed and doesn't want to hurt you by telling the truth?

    I hope I haven't been too forward.

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    I think you need to ask yourself why this bothers you. Is it his fetish for pantyhose? Or the lies? It's somewhat surprising that in a relationship that has been quite open to fetishes or desires (although from the Op it sounds like these were instigated by you not your DH) isn't open to even discussing the pantyhose without insisting they be thrown away and your DH is labelled as "creepy".
    I don't know Op, this is obviously incredibly confronting for you. Perhaps seek some counselling alone to work out exactly what about this is causing you so much angst. Did your DH say he wouldn't do it anymore, he promises, because he thought that's what you wanted to hear or because he genuinely doesn't want to do this anymore?
    I really fee for you Op, it's a confronting, confusing and difficult situation. But I think you need to work hard - individually to work out your bottom line and how to be supportive of your DH in hope to discuss it rationally and calmly. But also together, with someone to help facilitate a conversation. Good luck

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    I want to know, after how sexually open you are/were, why does it bother you he likes women's undies? There are worse things he could be into. Let the man wear the pretty undies if he wants, hell you are more willing to let him sleep with other women but not wear panties. That to me is more strange than his fetish...

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    I agree with @TheGooch 100%. I know you asked for kindness, so I imagine you're feeling fragile, but I am a little confused about exactly what is bothering you with his fetish?

    It seems a little...vanilla?...compared to what you have experienced together. I am a bit confused about why you asked him to stop to be honest, unless there's something I'm missing...or is it also connected in your mind to the lies he tells you?

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    Can I just ask as I don't completely understand the fetish - do the pantyhose come from other women that he has been with? Or is he buying them himself? Does he wear them around the house? What thrill does he get out of it?

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    Hang on... If you can drag your husband into doing drugs and letting you shag whoever, why can't he wear pantyhose? Why is his fetish 'creepy' while your tendencies (which some would consider perverted) are not?

    And before you say the difference is you are open while he lies, have a think about why that may be. Perhaps your judgement is why your DH won't open up to you. Or perhaps he just can't be arsed having a conversation with you anymore as the activities you have undertaken as a couple have eroded any real bond and love that you may have once shared.

    Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

    Good luck.

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    Edit to add,

    This was missed from my first post..

    Now he has taken to wearing recovery tights around the house and for sports saying these help with his circulation..
    I dont believe this..

    He buys them himself, or even worse steals them from me.

    I de test lies. I have been very up front with this from the start..
    I would rather hear the truth, than be lied too. I might not like the answer, but at least its the truth..

    As for the swinging.. No we dont and have not slept with just anyone.. I have never just slept with random people at all, neither has he..
    He knew I was bisexual when we first meet..

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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Hang on... If you can drag your husband into doing drugs and letting you shag whoever, why can't he wear pantyhose? Why is his fetish 'creepy' while your tendencies (which some would consider perverted) are not?

    And before you say the difference is you are open while he lies, have a think about why that may be. Perhaps your judgement is why your DH won't open up to you. Or perhaps he just can't be arsed having a conversation with you anymore as the activities you have undertaken as a couple have eroded any real bond and love that you may have once shared.

    Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

    Good luck.
    This


 

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