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No way, I don't think a baby can save a relationship at all! Babies can be hard work, sleep deprivation can cause all sorts of issues and arguments (DD4 10 week stint during a wonder week nearly killed us). If your relationship is already on the brink then a baby may keep you together for the wrong reasons but the tough times can push you further apart.!
I'd like to explain my comment earlier. I think the majority here are in the trenches of baby land so couldnt possibly see how babies could help a relationship because it's all just plain hard.
If we hadn't had DD2 I'm not sure my marriage would have survived. We struggled to conceive her and at times (as unfair as it was) I blamed DH for that. Our marriage definitely suffered and once I became pregnant and we had her I felt it healed us. So that's one example.
Another is someone I worked with who had children from a previous relationship and didn't want anymore. He remarried and his wife was OK with that for quite a long time until suddenly she wasn't anymore. She was so unhappy about their not having a baby together it almost broke them. In the end he decided it was worth having more kids as it would make her happy and ultimately save them. And it did. They went on to have 2 kids and from what I know are still happily married 10 years later.
Yes the first year of a baby is impossibly hard work but once you get through that I think many relationships can be stronger for it.
Our relationship wasn't the best when I fell pregnant.
Since having DD (currently 5 months), I have seen how lazy, selfish and entitled H is.
He was never "hands on" with DSS and DSD but I always attributed it to him not being sure as we see them so little,...
Well he has been out of work for nearly 8 weeks and DD still barely recognises him; he doesn't know what she eats, where her nappies are, etc; has never bathed, dressed or put her to sleep.
He will hold her while I cook, but gets fed up after 5-8 mins and is she is fussing, yells at her. So I end up cooking with her.
I no longer make his meals or do his laundry. He is also solely responsible for organising DSS and DSD now. I gave up.
We are also no longer 'romantic'... hadn't been in ages anyway but now sleep separately.
ETA: H and his ex had IVF to get DSD and it nearly broke them. Having DSS two years later, naturally, did break them. I have tried everything to ensure DSS never knows it, but he does
Last edited by DT75; 01-08-2016 at 13:47.
Agree with sonja.
The newborn/baby phase sucks and if you are in a happy and healthy relationship it can really shock you the impact it has. Not sure if the impact is so dramatic on a rocky relationship.
BUT having a baby can also strengthen your resolve to work on things instead of walking away. Having a baby also teaches you to compromise and not just think about you.
I don't think it can save a relationship that was never going to work but I think it can strengthen relationships (especially beyond the baby years) that just need a bit of work and commitment.
No way. In fact I think deliberately getting pg to 'save' a troubled relationship is extremely selfish and near sighted.
We were together almost 9 years before we had our first child and it was hard for the first 12 months on our marriage (DH took a while to settle into fatherhood but once he did, he was, and is amazing). Having kids can be really exhausting, stressful and can often bring out resentment - the working partner feels annoyed they are carrying the family, the one at home feels resentful they have no life and are the Sh*tkicker.
I've known a few who have done this, one admitted to me she did, another few haven't but it's very clear they had Band Aid babies. And the relationships are either over now, or they are still together but it a very very toxic environment. So the baby has not solved their issues.
I say selfish bc ultimately it's the kids who didn't ask to be born to solve marital problems or have that responsibility. See a counsellor together. Have date nights. Separate. But don't make a life to solve your existing problems.
@Sonja I understand what you meant now, thanks for that My DD is an IVF baby, without getting flamed I wonder if the unplanned bubs can cause issues within a relationship but equally, you hear a lot of stories of people going through IVF, having a baby and then splitting up, is this due to IVF though or just the stress of a new baby. I feel my relationship with DH has strengthen massively since her arrival and I am now expecting number 2.
@DT75 I am sorry for how things are for you, I hope it can improved in some way That would be hard doing it all on your own
I just want to clarify that I certainly don't advocate having a baby to save a relationship.
I also wanted to add the impact of a baby the second time around wasn't as big/dramatic. We knew it was a phase, the sleepless nights and lack of interest in each other wasn't going to last forever. Our relationship wasn't permanently damaged.
We are certainly much stronger and closer for having children. We have rough patches but we ride them out for the sake of our family.
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