Dad passed. Mum is repartnering. How to cope? | Bub Hub
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  1. #1
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    Default Dad passed. Mum is repartnering. How to cope?

    Ok I feel totally alone in this situation, although I'm sure I am not. I'm hoping to seek advice, because at the moment I'm torn and not sure how to move forward.

    My parents were married 49years, when my dad passed away 3 years ago. They had a significant age difference (11 years between mum and dad, dad being the elder one), which I acknowledge. Dad and mum were very close, and I was extremely close to Dad (to the point where I can't go to his grave, and tears still come to me at the mention of him).

    I've had chats with my mum, and recently she's told me she's met someone new to be her companion and attend social events with. She has assured me there isn't anything intimate in it, and she doesn't want there to be...yet he is now asking to meet our family in a couple of weeks, and although I do support the notion that I don't want her to be alone, I just don't feel ready to meet anyone new.

    I have a young family, with two gorgeous girls, and I don't feel I'm at a point of welcoming someone into my family with open arms.

    I know how selfish it sounds, but I am extremely weary of who gets close to my kids and both DH and I said if we had to meet him, our kids wouldn't be there ... And now that the time has come to meet this new guy, I can't bring myself to even go and meet him with just DH and I.

    I need advice as to how to be an adult about this...of course I want my mum to be happy, she doesn't need to be alone. But having chats with her on the emotional level I don't think she's ready for this, and I certainly am not. Fwiw she agrees she's not ready for it either, yet she's enjoying and continuing to keep the company!

    Please help me!

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    Perhaps stop thinking ahead of what might happen and just accept that your mum has a new friend and that's it cause that's all it is at the moment and be happy that she is happy

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    If I were you I'd just take it slow. You meet him first, then when you feel comfortable introduce the kids.

    Sorry to say, it sounds like you're making excuses not to meet him. It's hard but your mum deserves to have someone in her life. Your dad would want you to support your mum and I'm sure he wouldn't want her to be alone.

    You aren't replacing your dad, and either is your mum. Just be strong and do it for your family!

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    It has been 3 years, which is a decent length for her to mourn your dad. As Moosey said, he isn't replacing your father. She deserves some company and happiness and it's clear she is very wary of upsetting you (telling you she isn't intimate with him). See it for what it is - a companion for her in the autumn years of her life. It doesn't mean she doesn't love or miss your dad. Try to put your own feelings aside and place yourself in her shoes.

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    Default Dad passed. Mum is repartnering. How to cope?

    Thanks all.

    I don't know why I'm struggling so much with it.

    My brain says it's great for my mum, it makes me happy for her, but for me, I just can't seem to put it into reality and be real and grown up about it.

    ETA - I know this is my issue, not mums or anyone else's, I'm just really lost with how to actually get myself to move forward.

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    I feel for you, my FIL passed away last year and DH, his sister and I have had a few talks about how we feel about his mom re-partnering. They've spoken to her about it and at the time she said she obviously wasn't ready but she did intend to date and that she didn't want to be alone for what is probably 20-30 more years of the rest of her life. Totally understandable and they want her to be happy. They both suspect that has already happened though, which does feel too soon. I personally think they're reading too much into very, very little things and that she is not. But DH and I have spoken about how sad we are that if she does find a new partner that that will be who our kids see as 'grandpa' being that they are only two and 9 weeks old, and that is heartbreaking that they won't know a man that we all loved so much. It's hard OP and I really feel for you. Like Flowers21 said, right now it's just a friendship, treat it that way and support your mom, go and meet him with your DH sans kids and see what you think. Once you see how they interact together it may help you feel a lot more at peace with it as I am sure that it will be a completely different relationship and connection from that that she had with your dad.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Taffabella View Post
    Thanks all.

    I don't know why I'm struggling so much with it.

    My brain says it's great for my mum, it makes me happy for her, but for me, I just can't seem to put it into reality and be real and grown up about it.

    ETA - I know this is my issue, not mums or anyone else's, I'm just really lost with how to actually get myself to move forward.
    It's so hard, grief is a horrible thing. Maybe talk to a counsellor about gaining strategies to cope. You need some help to get through this hard time. My friend lost her husband when her children were just babies. She hasn't been able to move on after 15 years it's pretty lonely. I hope you're ok

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    My mum passed away last June ... my parents were married for 53yrs... within 3 months of mum passing my dad was engaged and married 5 months after that... so 8 months and my dad remarried.

    We didnt attend the wedding and didnt talk for a few months .. which was horrible because I was so close to both of my parents.

    I still hate the woman but have to be nice or I will end up loosing my dad


    What made me so angry yesterday was she referred to my 2yr old as her grand son and I couldnt say anything because my dad qould have gotten angry

    My advice would be just be there for your mum ... it has been 3 years ... Im sure she still loves your dad very much and misses him every day

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    Quote Originally Posted by emmiejayne View Post
    My mum passed away last June ... my parents were married for 53yrs... within 3 months of mum passing my dad was engaged and married 5 months after that... so 8 months and my dad remarried.

    We didnt attend the wedding and didnt talk for a few months .. which was horrible because I was so close to both of my parents.

    I still hate the woman but have to be nice or I will end up loosing my dad


    What made me so angry yesterday was she referred to my 2yr old as her grand son and I couldnt say anything because my dad qould have gotten angry

    My advice would be just be there for your mum ... it has been 3 years ... Im sure she still loves your dad very much and misses him every day
    I really feel for you.

    It's obvious to me that this is MY issue; it has to do with me accepting someone new, not only In Mum's world but mine and my children's world too.

    I grew up, and my grandfather had remarried (on my mums side), and his wife never gave me the time of day as a child. It made things awkward when she would be inclusive and speak to my cousins, but not me. I think this experience with my Mum now feels like it's a bit of déjà vu and I'm not sure I want to expose my kids to a similar experience.

    As it is the family relationships are somewhat strained with them not having access to some of their cousins.

    I honestly just feel like Nan should always just be "Nan" to my kids, not Nan and "Nan's boyfriend".... I can not see the point of her needing to include him in family functions that are just us.

    Fwiw I have expressed my feelings to mum, and hold further concerns when she has in response to our conversation said that she doesn't feel ready. If she doesn't feel ready, why is she pushing for us to meet him?

    The last thing my DH and I want is Nan to have a series of boyfriends passing through around our children.

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    Your mother isn't just "nan" she also isn't just your mother. She is a women who has needs just like you do. She may need male company, she may need some affection, she may need to be social outside of the family circle or even shock horror s.ex. A women doesn't stop being a women at a certain age. She had raised you, she has been a wife and mother and now you expect her to be what? Sitting around being "nan" so she doesn't offend you or some stereotypical image you have of what women should be after their husbands pass away. She may not be ready for a relationship but whatever she has with this man probably makes her feel good and he is likely becoming part of her life. I'm sorry if this is blunt but having worked with older people I have seen this behaviour a lot and it's completely unfair to your mother or her new male friend.
    If you are finding it difficult to deal with the grief of losing your father then work on that but don't take it out on your mother and her need to have a life.

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