+ Reply to Thread
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 40
  1. #21
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    1,474
    Thanks
    630
    Thanked
    795
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Ahalfdozen View Post
    I hardly see how asking him a few non-accusing questions in order to see how he is feeling is a Spanish Inquisition. How else do you suggest I try to engage with him? It is stressing him. He is so edgy while he is doing it, he's struggling with hiding it, and even today he had friends over and hid in the spare room so he could wear a dress without them seeing. I think a lot more "damage" would be done by not trying to help him open up about it. I want him to know that I am interested and care about what he does. It's not like I sat him down and interrogated him. We asked him some questions, the same way we would if he wasn't eating his lunch or if he was uncharacteristically quiet. We asked questions because we are concerned, because he is clearly stressed. He was stressed before we asked anything, and as I mentioned, he is now happy to talk to me about the undies so my line of concerned questioning seems, to me, to have made him more comfortable.

    We have since, offered to buy him things in his own size seeing as he is 6 and his sister is 3 and consequently her clothes are way too small for him. He just pulls back into himself though and doesn't want to talk about it or go shopping etc.
    We have always been careful to not ever give off the impression that wearing "girls clothes" is bad for him to do, but I do wonder if maybe a boy at school saw the pink undies and said something.
    I think you're doing a great job and you are right to be worried about him. Again, instead of asking if he wants you to buy him a dress, just go and buy some. You know he does, at this age the questions could be confusing....I'm not saying that you are doing the wrong thing by asking questions...at all!! I'm just saying that he might be confused at what the intention behind the questioning.
    Once he is comfortable in wearing dresses in front of you, he will slowly become comfortable in front of his friends. It takes time.
    Have a family pamper day, do movies and manicures or something. Paint dads nails, tie your hair in pig tails, watch movies. Have fun and lots of positive discussions.

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to moosey For This Useful Post:

    Clementine Grace  (28-07-2016)

  3. #22
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    9,870
    Thanks
    3,034
    Thanked
    5,843
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    OP I think you are on the right track and mindset with your boy now.

    As suggested by others, buy him a few items in his size and be casual about it. The more comfortable he feels about being himself at home, the more open he'll be with you and your DH.

    This could be a phase, simply something he enjoys, or possibly something more complex. Let him explore for now without any pressure to express feelings. In other words, I feel it's too early to think about counselling, as this will more than likely make him think something is really wrong with his behaviour.

  4. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Mod-Degrassi For This Useful Post:

    besha  (29-07-2016),Gentoo  (28-07-2016),Marchbundle  (28-07-2016),preggasaurus  (28-07-2016)

  5. #23
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    1,707
    Thanks
    332
    Thanked
    635
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I think you are on the right track op. As we were not there we dont know the tone of your voice etc and hey it would have been a bit of a shock for you im sure.

    Buy him a few items in his size and leave it up to him what he wants to do with them.
    I would look into counselling they would be able to give you a few tips on how to move forward and make your son feel at ease.

  6. #24
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    1,141
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    688
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    The handful of questions I mentioned are literally the only questions I asked and it was over the span of a few weeks. So it's not like he was sat down and asked question after question. 99% of the time, if I walk in and he is wearing the dress, he will shrink into himself a little so trying to acknowledge that I try to say things like "it's okay if you want to wear that. Why don't you come out and play". The idea is acknowledging it enough so he knows I saw it, but not making a big deal about so he doesn't feel put on the spot. The ones I wrote about in my first post, we're just notable examples because they are the ones that had reactions.

    With the Dora undies question it's because it was the first incident I noticed, and Miss3 pointed it out so I was clarifying. The intent was to see if he was wearing them or if Miss3 was just making it up. I hadn't expected him to react how he did so my intention of opening up the conversation about it backfired.

    The pink tights questions was because he was down a dark hallway and I couldn't see properly, and again, I was just asking to clarify. He wasn't visible upset that time. He just pretended he wasn't wearing them so I rolled with it and didn't mention it again.

    The one about asking what was under his jumper was because it didn't look like he was wearing something, it looked like he was hiding something, as the whole dress was scrunched up in there so I was curious what he was hiding. He often hides things in his clothes to be funny and "surprise me", so I assumed it was that. He got skittish when I asked so hubby (who had been away for a while, this was his first time being confronted with it) said "what's going on mate, are you okay?" and that's when I noticed it was the dress so I notioned to hubby about it so he just took our son to our room to ask if he was okay because he was clearly upset. And he took him to our room so he was away from the other kids in case he was embarrassed.

    My questioning isn't so much "WHY ARE YOU WEARING THIS?" I've tried to keep it as "How come you are hiding things?" and explaining to him that he has no reason to feel embarrassed in front of us. Reassure him that we love him and think he is gorgeous regardless.

    We don't have any shops nearby, our shopping is done as a big family thing (either with or without hubby if he is away for work) so he will have to be there when I buy anything.

    He's a very shy boy as it is. I often put dancing stuff on the telly and the other kids go crazy for it. He likes it but won't do it if anyone is watching. He doesn't like to put on shows etc. He gets very embarrassed. He struggles doing singing with his class at assembly etc.

  7. #25
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    12,708
    Thanks
    9,557
    Thanked
    12,689
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/1/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 7/11/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 3/10/14100 Posts in a week
    OP I have no doubt you love your son and are trying to do the best for him.

    I just think (with respect - not trying to have a dig) you are missing the point a little. I think the questioning needs to be looked at the through the eyes of the child not the intentions and logics of the parent.

    Before a question is asked think is it necessary? If you think your DS is wearing pink tights however can't see clearly... Does what matter? Does a question need to be asked at all? Can the issue be left alone? Or can a compliment be given instead?

    Good luck

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to VicPark For This Useful Post:

    CMF  (28-07-2016)

  9. #26
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Gippsland
    Posts
    14,655
    Thanks
    1,207
    Thanked
    3,833
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I have to be honest. When I read your OP and your own description of how your son is questioned I thought Spanish Inquisition. I thought he was being questioned with judgemental undertones as opposed to questioning that creates an open environment where your son feels comfortable about talking about his thoughts and feelings.

    I am not saying this to be hurtful. Just thinking about how your poor son must be feeling - if I , a grown adult, thought Spanish Inquisition what would a 6 year old child think? The fact that he snuck away and changed the pink tights suggests to me he felt embarrassed and Shamed by the questioning.

    Instead of saying "are you wearing pink tights?" Try saying something like "hey, those pink tights are very pretty. I like that they have criss-cross stitching on them, what do you like best about them?"
    VicPark, I actually agree with you and get what you're saying. In fairness to the OP, it's hard to know what tone was used at the time of each question, but my gut reaction was that asking "Are you wearing a dress?" as she caught a glimpse, felt like it was a little accusatory and might have put her DS on the spot. Frankly it made me feel uncomfortable to read each question that you and your DH asked (even if it was over a few months or whatever). If you knew full well that he was wearing a dress, you hardly needed to ask (in my opinion). Might have been better to bring it up later in the day. It's a tricky thing to deal with and it's great that you're being supportive of him in what must be a difficult situation. Good luck x

  10. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hollywood For This Useful Post:

    babyno1onboard  (28-07-2016),VicPark  (28-07-2016)

  11. #27
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    1,141
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    688
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Look, I was asking him questions to try and open a dialogue with him. That's what we do in our house. We talk about things. Me asking the kids questions is nothing new. I did the best I could in situations where I was I felt I was put on the spot. It's not like I've dealt with this at all before. I thought I was doing the best thing by him, by trying to talk to him about it so that he knows it's something he is free to talk about. There was no accusatory tone. It was me going down to his level and asking how I normally ask him anything that's semi-serious. I felt the questions were necessary at the time, because I like to keep an open dialogue with my kids. It went awry but all I had to go off was my previous history in talking to them about things. I'm sorry that when being shocked by something, my first thought was to compliment him, rather than ask why he was upset. I'm sorry that I didn't handle something unexpected, perfectly the first time around and now he is clearly "damaged".

    Please forget I said anything. Bowing out. Will deal with it myself.

  12. #28
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Brisbane North
    Posts
    4,460
    Thanks
    1,581
    Thanked
    1,802
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Ahalfdozen View Post
    Look, I was asking him questions to try and open a dialogue with him. That's what we do in our house. We talk about things. Me asking the kids questions is nothing new. I did the best I could in situations where I was I felt I was put on the spot. It's not like I've dealt with this at all before. I thought I was doing the best thing by him, by trying to talk to him about it so that he knows it's something he is free to talk about. There was no accusatory tone. It was me going down to his level and asking how I normally ask him anything that's semi-serious. I felt the questions were necessary at the time, because I like to keep an open dialogue with my kids. It went awry but all I had to go off was my previous history in talking to them about things. I'm sorry that when being shocked by something, my first thought was to compliment him, rather than ask why he was upset. I'm sorry that I didn't handle something unexpected, perfectly the first time around and now he is clearly "damaged".

    Please forget I said anything. Bowing out. Will deal with it myself.
    Hugs. I'm sure everything will work out alright.

  13. #29
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Country WA
    Posts
    6,640
    Thanks
    3,134
    Thanked
    3,023
    Reviews
    13
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I think you handled it better that some parents would have - especially your hubby as men are more likely to be horrified at their sons wearing a dress! I know some parents would have gone off their rocker because their boy was wearing pink tights or a dress.

    I agree that him having his own dress/undies that fit is a good idea. It lets him know that you are OK with him wearing it which will go a long way to him accepting how he feels as well.

    It must be very confusing for you all, and I hope he can open up to you. I think if it was my son, I'd just tell him that I love him no matter what he wears and if he's confused and wants to talk to me that I'm always here for him, buy him his own clothes and hope he felt comfortable enough to talk to me. Good luck OP.

  14. #30
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    9,994
    Thanks
    6,239
    Thanked
    15,889
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 2/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 19/3/15Busiest Member of the Week200 Posts in a week
    Hey OP, I think you seem like a beautiful mum who is trying her best to navigate an unknown situation with love and compassion.

    I think there are some great suggestions here for future consideration, and I honestly don't think anyone here is trying to criticise you. I understand why you'd be feeling sensitive, but we are all here to bounce ideas off if you need. That can include offering different perspectives - seeing things a different way can be so useful, even if it's just to consolidate your feelings about your own actions more strongly.

    No advice because I honestly don't know what I'd do, but I wish you all the best.

  15. The Following User Says Thank You to harvs For This Useful Post:

    SuperGranny  (29-07-2016)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Show me your (wedding) dresses
    By melimum in forum Weddings
    Replies: 58
    Last Post: 23-05-2016, 05:47
  2. Toddler hiding places
    By jamessmum in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 19-02-2016, 21:22
  3. Summer. What will you be wearing?
    By SpecialPatrolGroup in forum General Chat
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 15-10-2015, 20:36

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Ro&Co
Share magical moments this Christmas with this gorgeous gingerbread house. Exclusively available in Brisbane, with FREE delivery in Brisbane Metro areas. Each Christmas Centrepiece is unique and made to order, from $240.
sales & new stuffsee all
The Health Hub
Give a new mum a fitness boost for Christmas & New Year. Studio-based, small group training sessions - cardio, strength, core, Pilates & boxing. Choice of 16 hrs per week, flexible-arrival feature - bubs & kids welcome! Gift vouchers available.
featured supporter
Vibe Natural Health
Your natural health care team for fertility, pregnancy, post natal and family health care. Our Naturopaths, Doctors, Osteopaths, Acupuncturists, Psychologists,Nutritionists, Pilates, & Massage specialise in women & children's health and wellbeing.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!