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  1. #1
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    Default Any successful immigrants? Or just any expats want to trade stories?

    There's nothing on the expat pages so thought I'd put this in here in case other non Aussies want to chat?

    I feel like I've really stuffed up coming to Australia. Or maybe not coming here but not integrating properly. I've done all the wrong things and now I feel quite lost.

    We moved here about 8 years ago when dd1 was 18mths. We have good friends here and for years things were pretty good. But since we've had surprise #3 I never see them. Everyone else has moved on with work and I'm still sahm with no family support, high need 9 year old, messy 7 yo and clingy 2 yo who still needs me to get her to sleep. Although I have non Aussie friends here they all have some family members here now. They've work and friends from school and exercise groups etc. I've got none of that. Inactive mothers group. I've joined our local playgroup but even that's not working out as we've too low numbers and me and the other coordinator are so busy with our kids we don't have the time to dedicate to trying to advertise or build it up. It's become a chore rather than a way to meet local families.

    I'm a native English speaker but sometimes I feel like such an outsider I may as well be speaking a foreign language.

    I loved Australia when I was young and carefree, the bars, the beaches etc. but with a family it's all about extended family or work life and I have neither. And I've become so anxious lately. I don't know why but it's not helping me see a way through this, how to break this isolation?

    Can anyone relate??

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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    hi freyamum, I cant really relate because I am not in any similar situation. I am thinking back to when we moved out west. I had no family or friends close by,( more than 10 hours driving) but I managed to make friends through my church, the kids school, and playgroup. Most of the people I met were in the same boat, so we all just socialised and could manage a chat if we met up out and about. I think it really takes quite a time to get close friends, but casual friends are not so hard to find. do you think you might need some help with your anxiety?? that can a bigger problem. hugs, marie.

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  4. #3
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    I feel the same.
    I feel like I've had my head down trying to adjust to having three kids that I forgot to factor in my own personal care, I should have kept a little bit of my own life along the way.
    I say that but in reality it wasn't as easy as that.
    We moved a lot, met some lovely people along the way but, as much as I tried, I couldn't take them with me (lol).
    It always takes me a while to let people in too so a lot of the time it felt like I'd just made a friend then I had to leave again, or vice versa, so I just mosied on with being a mammy. It has been hectic enough to keep me distracted up until now but it's almost ten yrs on and I feel very feckin' detached from everything and everyone around me.
    I had no idea being a stay at home parent would be so isolating.
    Of course I'm doing something no one in my family has done either, by being here all alone so they had no advice or foresight to offer, and back when my mother was a young mum, all the neighbours were stay at home parents and she had endless company, to the point of annoyance really.
    This is a different world.
    My stomach churns when I think of what my kids are missing out on.
    I could easily be alone if I thought it was worth it for them, it's not though.
    I know that, I just need to do something about it one way or the other.

    What will you do?
    Will you go back to work soon?

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    Freyamum  (25-07-2016)

  6. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phony View Post
    I feel the same.
    I feel like I've had my head down trying to adjust to having three kids that I forgot to factor in my own personal care, I should have kept a little bit of my own life along the way.
    I say that but in reality it wasn't as easy as that.
    We moved a lot, met some lovely people along the way but, as much as I tried, I couldn't take them with me (lol).
    It always takes me a while to let people in too so a lot of the time it felt like I'd just made a friend then I had to leave again, or vice versa, so I just mosied on with being a mammy. It has been hectic enough to keep me distracted up until now but it's almost ten yrs on and I feel very feckin' detached from everything and everyone around me.
    I had no idea being a stay at home parent would be so isolating.
    Of course I'm doing something no one in my family has done either, by being here all alone so they had no advice or foresight to offer, and back when my mother was a young mum, all the neighbours were stay at home parents and she had endless company, to the point of annoyance really.
    This is a different world.
    My stomach churns when I think of what my kids are missing out on.
    I could easily be alone if I thought it was worth it for them, it's not though.
    I know that, I just need to do something about it one way or the other.

    What will you do?
    Will you go back to work soon?
    OMG I could've written all that too! Sahm's were the norm in my mums day and though she had some tough times she had lots of family and other mums around all the time. It's only occurring to me that growing up having lots of family around has also shaped my experience. My family didn't need to get out there and meet people to make new friends, they had their school friends, family and neighbours. Nothing had to be forced. We didn't need playgroups and kindy gym etc we all played in each other's houses and on the road. My parents socialised less as we got older but still regularly with the old gang and family.
    I lived in lots of share houses as a young adult and had no issues socialising with lots of different people.. But I think the difference was we were all in the same boat. Here in the burbs feels like everyone has their family and their old school friends. And like you said having 3 is sooo busy hard to even find time to make the effort!
    There's an Irish and UK playgroup in sylvania I've been thinking about checking out but not sure if they'll all be really young or just here for a short while... I should go and check it out at least once I suppose!

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    Hey! I guess I can relate a little...

    We moved to Australia 9yrs ago from France. We have no family whatsoever here.

    The friends we made when we arrived we are young and childless - so were we
    We're pretty much the only one in our group of friends who moved onto having kids. So things shifted a lot but we still manage to catch up with them.
    We either organise diner at our place if we don't want to spend money on a babysitter or we get a babysitter and hit the city with them.

    We made friends at our local park. Nothing forced, just talking to parents that we see there regularly. Same through my mother's group.

    The big difference though is that we both work FT.
    Would going back to work be an option for you? It might help to get back some sense of self and make new friends?

    Big hug, it's hard to raise a family without extended family support.

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    Freyamum  (25-07-2016)

  10. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExcuseMyFrench View Post
    Hey! I guess I can relate a little...

    We moved to Australia 9yrs ago from France. We have no family whatsoever here.

    The friends we made when we arrived we are young and childless - so were we
    We're pretty much the only one in our group of friends who moved onto having kids. So things shifted a lot but we still manage to catch up with them.
    We either organise diner at our place if we don't want to spend money on a babysitter or we get a babysitter and hit the city with them.

    We made friends at our local park. Nothing forced, just talking to parents that we see there regularly. Same through my mother's group.

    The big difference though is that we both work FT.
    Would going back to work be an option for you? It might help to get back some sense of self and make new friends?

    Big hug, it's hard to raise a family without extended family support.
    Work is where I really stuffed up. I looked for similar jobs to my last when we got here, but the equivalent was much more technical. I looked for other jobs but only applied for one that was just a day a week. It should've been easy for me but I didn't even get an interview. Most other jobs I found that I might've had a shot at were at least half time hours and in the city so I would've needed pretty much full time care which I just didn't want. Then ds came along and I thought I might wait until he was in school but our surprise #3 came along.
    So long story short I've no work experience whatsoever here and it's been 9 years since I did any work. I'm currently trying to research new career / study ideas. I'm finding it really hard to find something that would be family friendly / manageable and I'm coming to recognise that this sense of isolation has taken its toll on my self confidence so I'm not sure what I'm capable of. It's a circular thing...

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    Yep same here.
    Put my head down and worked, met H and am now a SAHM.
    No real friends as I don't go anywhere.

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    Definitely check it out.
    I found a playgroup close by here but I'm put off by the fact that each parent will take it in turn to pick an activity run a class.
    Nope.
    That's not for me, I prefer to blend into the walls

    I dunno.
    Some weeks I struggle a lot and others I just get on with it.
    It's like a scale of one to ten.
    No.1 being - Ahh sure this is great, why would I want to go anywhere else. I don't need FWENDS!!!
    No.10 being - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! YOU DON'T BELONG HERE! Whose life are you living?!!

    The crazy hormones attacked me last month and I was up at a 8, 9, 10 for the best part of three weeks. What a ride and a half that was.

    I'm back down to 2,3,4 now but I'm getting older (I suspect this has a lot to do with it) and reflecting on life, what I've done, what I would like it to be in the future etc, etc and this isolated feeling, like I'm living in a bubble, can feck right off!
    This is not what I want for myself. This is not me.
    I had a really, really full life back home.
    I was happy.
    I didn't leave for any other reason other than because I followed my hubby here.
    Recently, and I think this is when I began to look up and question what I want to do about this, but I found myself envious of people here that had their lives like I used to. It wasn't about going out and having a nightlife, it was more to do with the freedom to be able to make a plan, see a friend and have those couple of hours to myself.
    I miss that more than anything. That freedom.
    I was very independent when I was young, lived by myself for close to 10 yrs and now I feel I am housebound, hobbled with kids DH is the only other adult to talk to. Argh.
    I could still have some of that freedom at home from time to time if we moved back. I'm not fecking dead yet but I feel like I've aged ten yrs int he last two.
    I've got a bit of life left in me before I croak it, do I want to waste it being alone?
    And the worst part it, my kids haven't a clue who I am.
    They don't get to see me at my best because I don't get that break.
    It's been three yrs since I was home. That's a solid three yrs without a night off, oh except one to have DD.

    Oh and the work thing, yep.
    I'm skilled for nothing here, got married and had kids as soon as I landed and yet I haven't been home in ten yrs so I'd be qualified for nothing there either.
    A woman without a country!
    I definitely think hitting forty shook me up.
    I was 42 last month so taking a fair wobble amn't I.

    Oh don't quote this one, it's a bit personal and I'll most likely delete some of it later.
    Last edited by Phony; 25-07-2016 at 20:14.

  14. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    Yep same here.
    Put my head down and worked, met H and am now a SAHM.
    No real friends as I don't go anywhere.

    You're still pretty young DT, take a lesson from an oldie and get out there.
    Time just zips past so fast when kids come into the mix.

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    Your not alone ladies. I've been here for 16 years . I do love Australia , my husband is Australian and of course my 3 kids are Australian . I've struggled the whole time . I've had many friends over the years , they all left or moved or I moved . I don't know if I have the energy anymore to keep starting over with people. We have recently moved so again it's up to me to put myself out there but I feel more and more like an alien . I went to a new kids group today and my kids where way too old . The parents didn't say hello , as usual it was me smiling and making small talk. Im Probably hugely annoying . I don't even know anymore . My family all live overseas and my husbands family is not close emotionally or distance wise . My kids have never had a slept over at either nanas.

    I grew up with extended family around . When I was younger I had a big social circle and a really fun life. I laughed all the time . I don't laugh that much anymore . Im glad I found this thread , i was feeling really flat today. I know I will make friends again , right now I have no one . My husband is not social but can be if I organize things . So it's up to me . I'm just feeling too over it to try all over again .
    Sorry to hear your feeling the same girls xxxx

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