I'm new here - my first post.
I've read a few threads and can tell this group is super supportive, so I thought I'd tell you my tale in the hope that someone can relate and discuss what options I may have in the future.
In 2014 I had an unplanned pregnancy at the age of 33. I was scared initially but spoke to my boyfriend and he said "we'll make this work". I started to get excited although nervous, etc. I had just started a new job and found out I was one month off being applicable for maternity leave. Then my bf starting questioning costs of scan ("is that necessary?, we could sell your car"). I realised I couldn't afford to have a baby (loans, rent, etc). My bf still lives with his mother and runs a business that doesn't earn any money. He's a great guy, just hopeless with money.
About the same time the mother of my brother's child had a drug induced psychosis and was put on watch by DHS. They came to stay with me for a while. I had to take them to DHS and court appointments as DHS deemed me their "carer" - it was that or my niece went into foster care so I had to take them in. It became too much in my tiny unit with my dogs and them. I had to sadly get them into crisis accommodation. That made me feel so bad (everything worked out well for them in the end and my niece is a happy little girl).
My new job was super stressful. I had literally just finished training when I found out I was pregnant, so they started piling on the work. I didn't want to tell them so early about my situation. I already had taken too many days off dealing with my niece and her Mum.
Then the anxiety hit like a freakin wave. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sit still. The constant sense of dread was horrific. Nothing made me feel better, day or night.
(History -I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in my mid 20s and had been on medication - citalopram successfully since then. Bad reaction to Zoloft at one point).
During pregnancy it was suddenly like my medication ceased to exist in my system.
My boyfriend and I started fighting. I was upset with his inability to provide and he was not understanding my mental state. It was so bad I felt like I couldn't have a child with him. I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. All of this happened within five weeks. I terminated the pregnancy at 9 weeks.
I was always one of those women that said "abortion is a woman's choice, but one I wouldn't personally make". But I made it. I felt I had to, I felt my life was falling apart, I felt like I was falling apart. I just wanted to be me again without the constant doom in my heart and thoughts that my life was over.
I'm ashamed to admit it but when I woke from the procedure I was intensively relieved. Apart from being weepy and feeling tired initially, I was back at work in 3 days and I was happy to have a stable mental state back. I could be me again.
My boyfriend and I werent really talking at that point. But I told him I had a miscarriage. He still believes to this day that's what happened and I don't think I will ever tell him the truth.
So this leads me to today. I have changed jobs and do something much less stressful now, although in the mean time I had some poor health with low vitamin D and thyroid antibody issues. Vitamin D now resolved - antibody issue will get worse, can't avoid it
I still want to have a child. I still want to have a child with my bf (yes he still lives with his mum). I want to pay off all my loans so I don't have to rely on him financially. This means I'm looking at falling pregnant in 2018! Which is scary because I'm already 35!
But I'm even more scared of another bout of ante natal depression. Doctors are at a loss to explain why it happens and why they can't help. I went to a clinic that specialises in women's mental health. They wrote a referral back to my Doctor saying that I should consider being prescribed Seroquel/Quetiapine and that I should trial it before future pregnancies and use it in case the anxiety came again in a future pregnancy.
I recently trialed seroquel and I reacted badly do it 12.5ml dose, by the 3rd day I had severe anxiety, so stopped.
So, I feel pretty damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm sadly considering never being a mother, for the sake of my mental health (and potential genetic pass on to child). I don't want to take drugs during pregnancy, but I don't feel I could cope otherwise. I don't want these choices to be my only ones. Drugs or anxiety or not child.
In my ideal world I'd have a partner who could afford to financially support me through pregnancy and after, but that's not going to happen.
Can anyone relate?
Can anyone suggest anything that worked for them?
I'd love to hear from all you lovely ladies.
Thanks for reading. I know it's a long one.