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  1. #11
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    Do the girls have access to enough food at home?

    When I was a teenager, I was in a situation where I didn't always have access to food and when I got access to it, i binged and would steal food. I was never sure if there would not be another meal for a while. I was ashamed and would be picky with food in front of some people and hated people seeing me eat as I would just gorge and didn't understand how to eat normally. At some points I would be overweight as I had access to food at that time and couldn't stop the thought of not having food again.

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  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dinosaur Train View Post
    Do the girls have access to enough food at home?

    When I was a teenager, I was in a situation where I didn't always have access to food and when I got access to it, i binged and would steal food. I was never sure if there would not be another meal for a while. I was ashamed and would be picky with food in front of some people and hated people seeing me eat as I would just gorge and didn't understand how to eat normally. At some points I would be overweight as I had access to food at that time and couldn't stop the thought of not having food again.
    That's horrible dinosaur train such a fragile age too. Sorry this happened to you

  4. #13
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    Oh my goodness - thanks so much everyone for your replies! I can't tell you how much better I feel just hearing that I'm not overreacting!

    To clarify a few things, the choccy cake was a treat (long story - my DH made one for his workmate's birthday and my DSC were extremely upset he didn't leave them any so I made one!). I see now that it was the wrong thing to do to buy into that! Thank you x

    We don't eat meat or processed food. The upstairs kitchen fridge is full of fruit/veggies/salad which is all unrestricted access. I've even chopped things up in little snack pots for the kids and left them in there so they can grab them when they're hungry, as I've always done with my own ASD kids. It's just that DSC "won't" eat those things even if hungry...

    The "lunchbox stuff" that I have to hide are things like homemade granola bars, houmous and carrot/cucumber batons, natural yoghurt (I do this in snack pots with chopped fruit - they eat the yoghurt but not the fruit! Lol)... If I left them within reach, the whole week's worth would literally be gone in one night. I have known 2 x 1L yoghurt tubs to be eaten by one child in a night... (Our grocery budget doesn't stretch to that x 3 kids x 7 nights! Lol)

    I don't give them things like chips or biscuits myself but DH will buy multipacks sometimes and use them if he is on packed lunch duty (we both work full time!)... I don't agree, (and as my girls aren't used to processed stuff they don't have them) but it's causing a real divide as he thinks I'm penalising or punishing his kids in some way...!

    The meals I cook are pretty standard veggie versions of "meat eater" cooking on the whole - I use Quorn - style (protein based meat substitute) mince/pieces/fillets and lots of pulses/legumes. One DSC doesn't tolerate lactose and won't eat lactose-free cheese, or lentils, or any veggies apart from peas and sweetcorn. Strangely she can tolerate Feta and will devour 1kg in an evening if unrestricted. Another won't eat most veggies though loves cheese. The other refuses to eat anything but hot chips, junk food and pasta and has been allowed to do so all his life - he has started to defy everything I say now, as a reaction to my trying to support him to try new foods...

    Lastly, I weighed between 100-150kg for my teens and up til I was 37, and suffered all the health problems you'd expect. At 37 (before I was with my DH) I paid for a gastric sleeve which was one of the hardest things I ever did, but now I have lost 75kg and entirely changed my health and the wellbeing of my family. I have had to relearn my understanding of nutrition/exercise and I still see a dietician regularly, and will continue to do so in order to keep my knowledge current. I just wish I could spare the kids my own pain and heartache; my mother and father were both abusive alcoholics who used food as bribes and to stand for love. I just don't want them to suffer physically and emotionally like I did.

    Thanks for your replies everyone. I asked DH last night to go to family counselling about the whole mess, but he is absolutely dead set against it. I'm hoping that in time he might come round to the idea...

    xxx

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  6. #14
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    What a tough situation for you all to be in. It's such a shame your DH is against counselling - did he say why?

    You've had lots of advice from others but I just wanted to add that given your DSS Aspergers diagnosis, it would be really good to have the support of his treating team when deciding how best to make changes. There are lots of reasons why changes to diet might be more difficult to a child with Aspergers than a neurotypical child (as I am sure you're aware!) - just taking his food away without strategies and assistance to deal with the anxiety and stress that this creates is likely to make things really hard on him (and the rest of you!), especially as he is allowed to do it at his mum's and has been eating like this all his life. Is he linked in with an OT and/or psych? They would be a good place to start when discussing the best way to make behavioural changes and/or strategies to assist him through this process. If your DH won't agree to counselling for all of you, will he maybe agree to it for the kids at least?

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    Your DH needs to face reality - burying his head in the sand is damaging his kids. I wouldn't give him a choice on the counsellIng.

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    Have you tried upping their fat intake of healthy fats which fills you up and stops you craving sugar and carbs? It may save your grocery bill to just included some more healthy fats? Pumpkin cubes roasted in coconut oil for example is so yummy and also filling.

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    What Dinosaur Train has said is very common... Binging can be in response to an unreliable supply of food at home. I work with kids in care and it's a common situation. We often have locked fridges/cupboards, with only certain fruits and veggies left out for them to snack on freely.

    It's a serious situation, and family counseling + advice from a dietician would likely be he ideal way to go, but it must be very hard if their parents aren't on board. Has your partner explained why he's against counseling?

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  12. #18
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    They have free access to absolutely everything at their mums house - she will do a grocery shop (including processed foods etc) and the next day will need to go again...

    DH is against counselling because, despite having benefitted from it when he was younger, he and she were going to relationship counselling before theirs ended, and he felt it was an 8 week block of being told everything was his fault... I'm sure that wasn't the case, but that is his perception and nothing I say or do will convince him... (He even said during a row about it that if I said we go to counselling or I leave, he'd tell me to leave. He's not joking, either - it's exactly what he would do. He's such a lovely, gentle man in other ways but he is stubborn as all hell when he makes up his mind.)

    I'm completely exhausted. Over the weekend the older kids cooked pizza (meant for one night's dinner) in the middle of the night, we almost had a house fire because they used the sandwich toaster to make toasties and left it switched on against a tea towel that began to smoulder and set off the smoke alarm (thank god!) and they just constantly scatter mess/food/books/dirt everywhere. They will walk dog faeces in from the street and around the house without realising or caring. They are allowed to put their shoes up on the sofas/their beds... There are food and wrappers and half empty mouldy cups all over the house/in their bedrooms... They just laugh and eye roll when I ask them to clean it, and DH's standards are not what I consider to be sanitary, so he thinks it's fine (they always lived that way and he thinks I have OCD because I won't let him put the bin lid on the kitchen counter/bread board when he is emptying the bin - he doesn't see the need to wipe the counter after, or to wash his hands after changing the bin either...!!! Asaaargh!!!). I'm 25 weeks pregnant and have some issues which mean I can't keep on doing everything and I can't live in the middle of rotting food and cockroaches!!! I have put a Motrin dispenser in all their rooms otherwise we would be infested and they don't seem to care!!!); I've tried leaving it but it gets to the point where it's too disgusting to stand any more.

    Sorry for the vent! This is the first time I have talked about all this!!!

    XxX

  13. #19
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    vent away. You really have your hands full, and not much support around you. I don't know what to say. You need to have some sort of agreement. If you can't get the others to agree to some sort of standard of cleanliness, how can you get them on side with the eating habits. ? I really feel for you. For me, this would be unacceptable, and I would have to consider if I really wanted to be in this family situation. You say you are happy with your partner, but really, if he cant agree with what you need for your sanity, this is a problem. marie

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  15. #20
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    Thanks everyone.

    Huge row about money yesterday which opened my eyes to lots of things... I just had a decent tax rebate and I've put my foot down and said I'm hiring a cleaner, just for 2 hours a week, because I just can't do this alone.

    Food-wise, I still can't get any buy-in. I'm wondering if it's more about the kids pushing my boundaries cos they're so different to what they're used to... Maybe I was more forgiving before I fell pregnant... Maybe I do expect too much!

    Maybe this is progress...?! Lol


 

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