+ Reply to Thread
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 17 of 17
  1. #11
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    17,747
    Thanks
    5,085
    Thanked
    8,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Awards:
    Past Moderator - Thank you
    100 Posts in a week
    I think there can be a power imbalance in any circumstance that is why I don't hold with this statement.

  2. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to misskittyfantastico For This Useful Post:

    binnielici  (09-07-2016),FearlessLeader  (08-07-2016),pointless1  (08-07-2016),PomPoms  (09-07-2016)

  3. #12
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    2,280
    Thanks
    2,364
    Thanked
    1,919
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I think at face value the statement seems obvious. If you don't like the way someone treats you then simple, tell them to stop or remove yourself. But in reality, like most things, it's a lot more complex than face value.
    Saying we allow people to treat us a certain way ignores the very real factors that inhibit people from saying stop or removing themselves. Whether this is a power imbalance, lack of self confidence, lack of assertiveness, history of abuse etc all of these things inhibit a person's ability to 'make a choice'.
    It reminds me of this quote 'there is always an easy solution to every human problem; neat, plausible and wrong'.
    So after all my waffle I think to an extent yes it is victim blaming and excuses the person engaging in the bad behaviour. Double whammy. It's another way of saying you're treated like crap and it's all your fault for allowing it when it's rarely that simple. And as @harvs said when people are being treated badly they don't need someone essentially kicking the boot in by saying well you allow them to do this or you've taught them to treat you like this. It's just not helpful. I'd rather focus on helping people with meaningful ways to improve their situation.
    It's essentially just saying this is all your fault (and therefore excusing the role of the person doing the bad behaviour) but dressing it up as pseudo-psychobabble.

  4. #13
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    795
    Thanks
    109
    Thanked
    411
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    To me the truth in this statement is based on how it is perceived. I know I have the power to change how a person treats me through my own thought process and vibrations. They can only treat me badly if I allow that behaviour to effect me. If I turn a blind eye and ignore the behaviour generally it fizzles. However that is a very simplistic view and I understand the complexities that surround us as individuals and within our relationships

  5. #14
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    22,848
    Thanks
    6,202
    Thanked
    16,895
    Reviews
    10
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Bubhub Blogger - Thanks100 Posts in a week
    Thanks everyone, I've enjoyed reading these well thought out posts.

    I most certainly think it's much more complex than 'just stand up for yourself and don't allow it'. As others have said, there is past abuse, low self esteem, those perpetrating the bad behaviour are often controlling, manipulative etc. However, I do see the basis of the meaning here. I don't feel the intention is to be victim blaming but to point out that sometimes we need to summon the strength to refuse to continue being a victim.

    It's all well and good to give and receive empathy in this situations, but in order to reach resolution people sometimes need to move past that and develop inner strength. I see many women on here in bad relationships that they continue to stay in. They get offered hugs and empathy but it's often a cycle. There has to be a point where they say I refuse to have him treat me this way and I refuse to keep teaching my kids that this is what relationships are like. That isn't saying it's her fault he mistreats her. Just that she is taking control of *herself* that she sets standards under which she will and won't be treated.

    So maybe I would reword this to "develop the inner confidence to only put up with the treatment you deserve"? It's late and I'm not sure I've adequately explained what's rattling around in this tired brain.
    Last edited by delirium; 09-07-2016 at 00:04.

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to delirium For This Useful Post:

    babyno1onboard  (09-07-2016)

  7. #15
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    495
    Thanks
    160
    Thanked
    276
    Reviews
    0
    I don't believe that we teach people how to treat us. To me it is more like there is choice about what action to take when people behave badly towards you, but some people have better resources (sometimes emotional/psychological, other times financial) available to help with making a choice that may see them not be treated so badly.

    Often is it more a case of while growing up you have been taught how to be treated and the complexities come down to things such as honestly believing that it is how it is meant to be, how people should treat you because you deserve it, or it is all you have ever known. Other times you can actually be scared of people who treat you what you see as overly kindly because it is so foreign to you.

    But then I am probably projecting my life and decisions I've made into my thoughts more than anything.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to pointless1 For This Useful Post:

    Kaybaby  (09-07-2016)

  9. #16
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Gippsland
    Posts
    14,663
    Thanks
    1,208
    Thanked
    3,839
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    I think it is true to an extent. Like for example I have a friend who has a hard time saying no to people if they ask her for a favour (like, say, dropping their kids to school or whatever, something like that). She even admits that at times she so desperately wants to say no, because it doesn't actually suit her to do whatever it is that the friend is asking, but she hates letting people down so she begrudgingly says yes. So people take advantage of her in that way. She could make the choice to say no.

  10. #17
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    1,283
    Thanks
    676
    Thanked
    660
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I think this is something that's good to tell yourself in certain situations but is rarely good to tell other people.

    I have to say that I spent many years dating deadbeat guys who treated me like garbage and adopting that mindset really helped me break that habit. However, it took a while for me to be ready for that to work and if someone had tried to force it on me it would have backfired.


 

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Mother and Baby Shop
Save $$$ during our Christmas Sale Mother and Baby Shop
Great prices on Schoenhut kids pianos, toys, baby clothing as well as big brands like Pigeon, NUK, Cherub Baby and many more. Sale starts on 1 November 2016 and ends on the 27 December 2016. Hurry! Place your order today!
sales & new stuffsee all
Wendys Music School Melbourne
Wondering about Music Lessons? FREE 30 minute ASSESSMENT. Find out if your child is ready! Piano from age 3 years & Guitar, Singing, Drums, Violin from age 5. Lessons available for all ages. 35+ years experience. Structured program.
Use referral 'bubhub' when booking
featured supporter
Mini Maestros
Nurturing Confident Learners. Mini Maestros offers music classes for children 6 months to 5 years of age. It is the longest running and most successful Australian business of its kind.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!