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  1. #1
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    Default WWYD/Vent

    First off, hello all. I have been a member for ages but haven't been on in about a year cause I cant get near my computer and couldn't get the phone app to work. Anyway, on to the issue.

    My DP's two oldest boys are here for two weeks of the school holidays. DP works/lives about 4 hrs away till we can sell up here and relocate to join him. The boys live about 4 hrs from here in a different direction to DP. We only get them two weekends of the school term and half the holidays unless it suits her to give them to us cause she is working. So this holidays she is working and Mil offered to pick up the boys as DP came up for last weekend and it woulda been a 7 hr trip for him to get them whereas their mum met mil halfway thus making her trip much shorter. I did offer to do the trip but got the vibe that she would rather ride a bicycle to pick them up than ask me to do it.

    On Friday when she went to collect them she didn't text anyone but their mum to organise it which stressed me out cause im the one that has to change their sheets and she had talked about sleepovers and im the one that would have to pack and drop off clothes for that. Not to mention I have a 3yr old DD and a 1 yr old DS that are always desperate to see their brothers. I texted DP and asked him when the boys were coming and where they would be staying and he had no idea. I texted Mil asking when they were coming and she said "im picking them up now" and that was it. So DP organises it so that they stay at our house for the first night before starting a complete itinerary of sleepovers at various family members houses. I stress to DP to make sure that the boys get a say in where they are staying and what they are doing. They are 12 and 10 for christsakes! They deserve an input!

    When DP goes to pick them up his mum starts getting angry at him and giving him a lecture on how "you gotta share them. You gotta share the boys!" To which he replies "shut up mum they are my kids, you know where we live". (we are about 20-25mins away from her which is apparently too far and I am to blame for that as she once said to my mum). He understandably was seething since he was only with them for the weekend before going back for work and organised for them to stay with his brother Saturday night as his brother also works away.

    On Saturday we had my nephews 3rd birthday (DP's sister's boy). Everytime we were having a convo with an aunt or uncle trying to sort out sleepovers she would provide additives like "am I ever going to get them?" or "I haven't even seen them yet" Things to that effect. So we worked out that the boys would stay with DP's brother for sat night, mil for sunday and Monday nights and DP's sister for Tuesday night. We r sposed to leave on Friday to spend the second week of hols with DP. The boys have been asking if I can organise it for them to spend the day playing with a family in our street that they have formed a good friendship with and they keep venting to me about how they hate being shunted from one house to another and would prefer day trips to sleepovers. They don't know bless them that I don't actually have any right to see them or have a say according to mil. Me and DP are not married see and she thinks the way I parent is wrong and crazy (another gem she shared with my mum).

    Meanwhile my DD is constantly asking about boys and cries angrily at me telling me "I just wanted to keep boys and u gave them away!"

    And if you are still with me at this point we get to my dilemma.
    I have been invited with DD to go to the movies by SIL. She is taking the boys and her 3 yr old DS who is DD's Bff. I have so much to do and no money as I need to fuel the car for the weekend and stock up on pet food for the week. I declined but she then said mil offered to babysit DS and pay for me and DD to go or she could take DD and I could be one less kid to get stuff done. I refuse to let mil babysit because she refuses to listen to my ways of parenting my child (eg she smacks on reflex and tells SIL's baby to stop being a sook every single time he cries and that's not what I want for my kids), she once also raised a metal spatula to my DS as a smacking threat as he was grabbing at coffees that had been left in his reach. He was 10 months old at the time.

    So do I......
    A) Go to the movies using time and money I don't have just so that DD can see her brothers since mil is making it clear that she doesn't want me there (I got a text after trying to see them today saying "we are out all day, why don't you go to the movies tomorrow"). I would have to get my mum to babysit DS and hope her doctors appointment finishes early enough for that to work.
    B) Try to see the boys after the movie during DS's tired cranky time when they are at SIL's house since I have to see them to give them clean clothes at some point.
    C) drive a 40 min round trip with a car hating baby to drop DD off and a 40 min round trip to pick her up after the movie so that she can go with her brothers and nephew/bff. SIL will be the only adult with 2 toilet training 3yr olds and two preteens.
    D) Take the 1yr old in a carrier as well as DD to the movies and hope he is good.
    E) Go to see the boys at MIL's in the morning and drop clean clothes off there, DD and DS do love to see their nan and SIL wont be taking them to the movies till 2.

  2. #2
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    Wow. You need an F option (and as tempting as it would be to have that as a eff you all option that's not what I mean). F) needs to be cancel all plans and spend time with these kids as a family and people can drop in to see you. There's no need for them to be having sleepovers with different extended family members every night! You may not be their 'real' mum but you are their step mum and mother to their half siblings so your opinion does count. What does DP really think of all this?. Maybe he has organized the sleepovers as he doesn't want to put too much pressure on you having all kids at once? But still it's not too fair on the kids.
    Those poor boys it sounds like they are being treated as family possessions with everyone wanting a piece of them. Ugh. I mean it's lovely that their family cares for them but they're not toys to be passed around and as you say they're older too they should have a say and it doesn't sound as though they are all that comfortable with the arrangement.
    If you can't get out of al this then I'd make it clear this is the last time arrangements like this will be made and that in future the boys stay in their home base with you and family can come visit as they please but no more musical beds.
    As for the movies i would do B or E. Don't put financial pressure on yourself, hanging out at the movies means you won't see much of them anyway. A catch up before or after might work better.
    All the best, sounds like a tricky situation to negotiate

  3. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to gingermillie For This Useful Post:

    BettyW  (05-07-2016),Californication  (05-07-2016),LoveLivesHere  (05-07-2016),smallpotatoes  (05-07-2016),Wise Enough  (05-07-2016)

  4. #3
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    I'm so sad for the boys that DH's family are not consulting them in all this. They are well and truly old enough to have a rational view. Big hugs for being stuck in the middle of all this!

    I would drive to the movies but let SIL actually take your DD to the movie, then use the time they are in thr movie to get a coffee and make some calls, take bub for a walk, window shop and switch my brain off, or something like that. That way there is less driving too.

    Don't worry about the 2x 3yos for your SIL to manage. The boys are definitely old enough to help out (assuming they are responsible sorts).

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Stretched For This Useful Post:

    Californication  (05-07-2016)

  6. #4
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    Taking the movies right out of this, can I ask why your DP is organising sleepovers for them on the weekend he is home? From what you wrote, he got to see them Friday night and part of Sat and that was it?

    I agree with gingermillie. You need an F option. The boys have come to see their father. Not stay with extended family. I'm sure they love to see them, but day trips and/or a family gathering is enough! Especially when the boys have expressed they don't like being shunted about! I assume they are going with you to spend next week with DP?

    I wouldn't worry about going to the movies. I would cancel the boys staying with SIL tomorrow night and pick them up from MIL tomorrow and let them play with their friends in the street and spend the rest of their time with you and their siblings.


 

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