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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by SSecret Squirrel View Post
    What do you mean changes his behaviour after a big fight?

    Do you mean he is super nice to you for a while and things go back to normal?

    If yes, this is known as a honeymoon period following abuse.

    I know we aren't supposed to bring other threads into current threads, but your posts about your DH have always sent off alarm bells in my mind. He sounds abusive to me.

    Apologies if that is not the case, it is just a feeling I get when I read your posts.
    Not quite like that. There has been times when I've felt like his behaviour bordered on abuse. But not in the deliberate manipulative way. Unfortunately we both share the bad trait of bottling things up. For me I hated seeing my parents bicker non stop about every little thing and so I've gone the opposite way and rarely speak up when something is bothering me. He's not the kind of person who nit picks on little things but when we have a fight he brings up all kinda stuff that he's resentful about. It's a really immature way of dealing with conflict to go in with a personal attack and makes it hard to have those harder conversations.
    I knew conflict was going to be an issue between us. We got on so well when we met there was no conflict except once and I saw that nasty side to him but I was 32 and wanted kids and had been single a long time so I put those doubts to the back of my mind. We had our first child less than 2 years after we met. We sailed through the first few years it's only the last few the cracks are showing. But I'm honestly too busy and have my own issues to sort out before I would make a call on the longevity of this relationship.
    What I mean by changing his behaviour is he is so completely out of line sometimes when he's angry. He says really hurtful things but never says sorry we just ignore each other and then move on. That's super dysfunctional I don't know what goes on his head. Was it private school and boarding or just his personality but he can never admit when he's been wrong. But he'll start making an effort again and I will too because I also have my own weirdness that he puts up with

  2. #12
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    As others have said, there is a difference between dysfunction and normal conflict bc no marriage is perfect.

    You need to stop making excuses for him. Reading your posts there is more issues than just a lack of communication/bad communicating when conflict happens. He seems extremely selfish and has no empathy or concern for your needs. He refuses to take responsibility for his words and actions. He has a huge sense of entitlement and he sounds very verbally abusive. Both DH and I came from horrible homes with terrible childhoods and while our marriage isn't perfect we always try to take responsibility, talk and look after each other.

    I think you are desperately looking for hope that you can maintain this marriage long term. I see only 2 outcomes here. Either you leave, or you stay, nothing changes and you live your life unhappy. He is not going to change.

  3. #13
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    hi freyamum. How do you actually feel about your relationship? Do you think there is some hope for things to get better.? how much of an improvement do you need to see. ? A marriage is not happy just because the people can sort out problems without fighting. A happy marriage is where both people just simply enjoy each others company. they are happy to see each other, they enjoy a meal together without any tensions. From where I stand, your partner is not someone you even think of as a friend for most of the time. I am sorry if that seems harsh, and I am sorry if that upsets you. hugs , marie.

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    I wouldn't say all relationships are disfunctional in their own way, I would question why the person who told you that thinks that. I think that person hasn't been in healthy relationships herself.
    Sending emails stood out to me in your post, you very obviously have huge communication problems and good communication is the key to a successful relationship is my view. It doesn't sound to me like your partner and yourself are on the same page with many issues and you need to question if you think that will change, can you accept things the way they are. You then need to decide whether you stay or go.
    Many say relationships are hard work but seriously I haven't found that with my dh. There is very little we disagree on and we have always had great communication and are always very supportive of each other.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    hi freyamum. How do you actually feel about your relationship? Do you think there is some hope for things to get better.? how much of an improvement do you need to see. ? A marriage is not happy just because the people can sort out problems without fighting. A happy marriage is where both people just simply enjoy each others company. they are happy to see each other, they enjoy a meal together without any tensions. From where I stand, your partner is not someone you even think of as a friend for most of the time. I am sorry if that seems harsh, and I am sorry if that upsets you. hugs , marie.
    I think I present a very negative side of him and our relationship on here because I look to vent when things are going badly. If you plotted us both along an emotional intelligence continuum he'd be at the negative extreme but I'd only be in the middle. I hate confrontations with anyone, so I've always avoided - despite having quite strong opinions on certain subjects. I always knew he wasn't going to give me the level of emotional support that I would've liked in an ideal world but that was a compromise. I think the reason we have grown so apart and have more issues and less happy time together is that being a sahm for so long without family around and this last baby not even close friends I've lost me, my whole sense of identity. Our roles have grown into such traditional ones with him working and me dealing with kids and house which is just not me. I love being the stay at home parent but I l hate house work and I miss using my brain and having something of my own. And he would encourage me to find something else but he's not interested in chatting about my daily issues with the house or kids or my ever changing ideas for what I might study. I can be quite cold towards him he tends to be the more affectionate. It's complicated. I used to be a very self sufficient independent person and when I met him I'd come out of several bad relationships particularly one with a man I adored and had my heart broken beyond repair. Dp was so uncomplicated. Grounded. I didn't want a big emotional connection. But as the years have gone on and moving to Australia and having kids and getting less out of the big world and spending so much time just with my family I needed more and he hasn't been up for it. His family are all very stoic. When I said I thought I had pnd he said I was just tired. His mum was laughing at someone she knows who had counselling when the relationship broke up. I think that's just the way they are. I'm just not back to my old self enough yet to really decide if this relationship can last or if I will always want more?

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    Major issues but wouldn't say dysfunctional as we have found something that works.
    No longer a romantic relationship but still a relationship.
    We rarely argue, and actually agree on most things.
    The only source of issues is his lack of help with the house (used to be rubbish with the kids too but I put my foot down hard on that).

    On the boarding school, I know plenty of men and women who went and have healthy loving relationships. H went to a public school and I am his third wife...

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    I am happy to chat with you if you would like to private message?? do you feel that you are sharing equal faults?? Perhaps you are expecting too much, and missing your family too. How do you find your way back to your old self.?? can anyone actually do that ?? hugs, marie.

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    Oh my gosh we have so many dysfunctional parts to our relationship. We don't seem to resolve conflict very well. We don't always speak nicely or respectfully to each other. A lot of horrible things have been said. I've told him it's over many times. But never in my heart meant it, it's just so hard being together sometimes, we seem to bring out the worst in each other. And other times we're fine. We do talk, we do agree on a lot of things. He's supportive. A big part of our dysfunction is lack of intimacy. It's always been an issue but worse at the moment. I'm just not interested, too tired, and he is really upset about it.
    But somehow we endure and haven't separated. I think there must by something holding us together. If it was really over I'd know the difference.

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    Default Dysfunctional relationships that endure??

    It is natural to only vent about the bad things Freyamum, however in your post trying to justify why you make him sound bad, you haven't actually said that he does support you in any way. Isn't that what you are after, support? To me, a relationship isn't healthy if there isn't mutual respect and support and I don't see any of those things in a thing you have said about your relationship.

    Maybe you could look at doing something outside of the house? Put the kids in daycare (or maybe just the older 2) and take a break for a day or two a week. I felt very claustrophobic being at home for just a year with my 2 & needed a regular 'me' day every week so daycare was great for me & my 2 love it. I'm back at work now so I don't get a day to myself, but having something outside of the home has kept me sane.
    Last edited by lulupetal; 30-06-2016 at 22:14.


 

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