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  1. #1
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    Default Dysfunctional relationships that endure??

    A friend once said to me all relationships are a bit dysfunctional in their own way. I wonder is that true? Or at least there must be others out there who know there are elements to their relationship that are great and others that just don't work??

    I think our primary issue is we just don't talk properly and when we try we speak a different language. I read a thing written by a psychotherapist about boarding school and how going can stunt kids emotional development. It was about world leaders but so much I could apply to dp! He was a teen though not 7 when he went, but she talked about boarders needing to get tough quickly to survive so they can struggle as adults with empathy and compromise. They go on the attack when feel their standing is being even slightly threatened. That's so dp! If I try and talk about an issue that I'm not happy about he will find a way of twisting things and bring up unrelated issues to have a go at me. He can never be wrong. He never ever apologies. I have to email him when I've something contentious to say which he hates cus you can't shout at an email!!!

    That sounds so bad but there's lots of stuff we agree on so we are usually ok and kind to each other. He often changes his behaviour after a big fight where he has been horrible to me but there's never any acknowledgement that he was wrong. He just doesn't seem to know how to discuss contentious issues in a respectful way. Yet he has a senior role at work so he must be able to negotiate and compromise there.

    Anyone got some dysfunctional aspects to their relationship they want to share???

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    DH and I have a similar issue to you - in that communication, well miscommunication is a big problem. I often feel like we are talking two different languages.

    What you've said about boarding school is interesting. DH was at one from 8-14 years old. He too is very defensive and can not tolerate any sort of criticism hmmmm 🤔

    I do believe no relationship is perfect and all relationships take hard work. Whether everyone has some level of dysfunction in their relationship I couldn't say - but yes there definitely is in ours.

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    Freyamum  (28-06-2016)

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    work is pretty different to home. everyone has their work facade, which all falls off at home.

    I tend to disagree that all relationships have a degree of dysfunction. I think friction/conflict are one thing and dysfunction is another thing altogether. a bit of conflict is normal, dysfunction is an abnormal or impaired way of relating to eachother. I think it's important not to tar all conflict with the same brush.

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    atomicmama  (28-06-2016),binnielici  (28-06-2016),delirium  (29-06-2016),Sonja  (28-06-2016)

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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    work is pretty different to home. everyone has their work facade, which all falls off at home.

    I tend to disagree that all relationships have a degree of dysfunction. I think friction/conflict are one thing and dysfunction is another thing altogether. a bit of conflict is normal, dysfunction is an abnormal or impaired way of relating to eachother. I think it's important not to tar all conflict with the same brush.
    Agree entirely. DH and I disagree on loads of issues but I would never describe us as dysfunctional. The way we resolve conflict is healthy and normal. And yep he is very different at work.

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    turquoisecoast  (28-06-2016)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    Agree entirely. DH and I disagree on loads of issues but I would never describe us as dysfunctional. The way we resolve conflict is healthy and normal. And yep he is very different at work.
    Totally! That's why I know me and dp are dysfunctional because we can't seem to resolve conflict in a healthy respectful way.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    Totally! That's why I know me and dp are dysfunctional because we can't seem to resolve conflict in a healthy respectful way.
    My heart breaks for you @Freyamum. I hope I put this gently but your posts seem so sad lately. I'm not sure if I've missed this before but have you accessed counseling support for yourself? Even if your dp won't come along it might help you get things in order, make plans and cope better? He just seems so unsupportive. What is keeping you there? I'm sorry if I'm overstepping
    I don't at all believe that all relationships are dysfunctional. I do think all relationships face difficulties or challenges over the long term but in healthy relationships these are dealt with and the relationship continues to grow and move forward. if there are persistent issues or a pattern of problems then yes it's probably dysfunctional and both partners need to either work hard to fix things, accept the dysfunction and ensuing unhappiness arising, or separate. They really are the only options available at the heart of it.
    I've been in dysfunctional relationships before (a previous marriage and another long term relationship) and it's only now being in a healthy relationship that I can see how unhealthy those relationships were. I'm so fortunate to have a wonderful DH who is very accommodating, supportive and measured and my very best friend.
    Coincidentally my DH was sent to boarding school at age 10 in South Africa in not very nice circumstances (his mother wanted the single life after divorce). He then had to do compulsory army service for a year when he finished school. So he had a very very tough and macho and abrupt introduction to adulthood but he has no trouble admitting faults and as I said he is very measured and a sweet gentle understanding man. He works in a very macho totally male dominated environment too. If he gets upset it's usually for a very good reason. Boarding school actually turned out great for him in terms of independence and resilience.

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    turquoisecoast  (28-06-2016)

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    Many of things the things you write OP remind me of my own marriage.

    We are now divorced.

    And I am so much happier for it.

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    I don't think there is any such thing as the perfect relationship. Everyone brings different things to the relationship. DP and I love each other very much and we have issues all the time but it is how you work through them that matters.

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    Until I married my husband, I didn't realise how dysfunctional my family are. I know people say you have to work hard at making your marriage work. But being married to my husband is not hard work. He is so easygoing and normal (sometimes it makes me envious how normal he is). He is like a Hugh Jackman and my nephew has commented that my husband reminds him of Hugh Jackman.

    I put up with a lot of s*** from my family that it is a relief to have met my husband.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that if you're putting up with a difficult character and constantly at logger heads, maybe you have to question the relationship.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    If I try and talk about an issue that I'm not happy about he will find a way of twisting things and bring up unrelated issues to have a go at me. He can never be wrong. He never ever apologies. I have to email him when I've something contentious to say which he hates cus you can't shout at an email!!!

    That sounds so bad but there's lots of stuff we agree on so we are usually ok and kind to each other. He often changes his behaviour after a big fight where he has been horrible to me but there's never any acknowledgement that he was wrong. He just doesn't seem to know how to discuss contentious issues in a respectful way. Yet he has a senior role at work so he must be able to negotiate and compromise there.

    Anyone got some dysfunctional aspects to their relationship they want to share???
    What do you mean changes his behaviour after a big fight?

    Do you mean he is super nice to you for a while and things go back to normal?

    If yes, this is known as a honeymoon period following abuse.

    I know we aren't supposed to bring other threads into current threads, but your posts about your DH have always sent off alarm bells in my mind. He sounds abusive to me.

    Apologies if that is not the case, it is just a feeling I get when I read your posts.


 

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