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  1. #21
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    Firstly I want to give you the biggest virtual ((((((hug)))))). You are doing an amazing thing b/f your baby and looking after your family. I have b/f and co-slept with all my children. DD1 b/f 20 months D/S 2 1/2 years DD2 3 years and DD3 16 months and still feeding.

    My DH didn't really want our DD2 who was our third, he said it was because he did not have the ability to do it and there is 7 years between her and our DS (DH has ASD and other sensory issues going on). Initially He didn't really bond with her and barley helped me with her. It's like he used it as an excuse that he told me he wouldn't be able to cope so he couldn't help me. How convinient for him. Now (she is 4 nearly 5) he loves her and they have bonded. My DH has always been supportive of b/f so it must be tough for you without his support in this department.

    I hear you loud and clear about needing a break it can be full on with a toddler and other children. I think I am about to have a nervous break down at the moment. Yes I have 4 kids (my choice) but I need a bit of respite too. I am also thinking of getting a cleaner come just to do a basic clean of my house each week as I am struggling I don't seem to be getting much more than the washing cooking and dishes done each day. My DH is waiting on an eye operation so can not look after the younger children presently. I have no family or any friends who could help me out where I live in rural Tasmania.

    Once on solids b/f toddlers can go all day without a bf so this is a bad excuse on his part, I went back to work with my first two when they were both under one and DH looked after them and they were b/f.

    I am thinking about putting my youngest in child care 1 day a week just to give me some respite before I end up in the looney bin, is this something you could do? I am still contemplating it. I would rather they be talking before they go into care and my 16 month old gets very sick and ends up in hospital just about everytime she gets a respitory illness (it come to our house anyway thanks to the older kids).

    I am thinking of night time weaning soon my DD is getting a bit full on at the moment in that department. What I did in the past was offer them water when they woke up (in case they were thirsty) and told them that they had to wait until the sun came up before I fed them. It is tough but you know you will get their in the end.

    Can someone please enlighten me as to who the WHO recommendation of 2 years and beyond is ??. First I have ever hear of this.

    I think it is utter cr@p about dads not bonding with a baby while they are B/F clearly it is the indervidual Dad that has the problem because so many other dads don't have this issue at all. "They just want their wife back" we'll news flash they will never get their wife back to the way it was before children because they are a family now, they simply have to share their wife now, things have changed. Some dads are amazing and cook and clean and help out so much that perhaps their wives have more time for them (unfortunatly this is not my DH).

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  3. #22
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    Fathers using breastfeeding as an excuse for why they are not well bonded with their child is an absolutely pathetic excuse and I'm shocked that so many mothers pay any attention to it.

    OP as with any family there are obviously lots of things going on. In terms of the feeding- well no child feeds forever. You are already working on the weaning process at a pace and in a way that you feel is right. As her primary caregiver I trust your judgement that gradual night weaning is a good place to start. For my family we have very set boundaries around breastfeeding. I have shared a bit about how it works for me in another thread about weaning toddlers. Have you seen it?
    To me it is clear that your issues are with an unsupportive partner that has poor communication skills.
    That's the issue. This lack of support has led you to some parenting choices that you may not have even made if it wasn't for his ****ty behavior and now he wants to have a big cry about it!? Well I'm not buying that. I'm sorry that you dont have the support around you that you feel you need. I fully and 100% support your decision to feed your baby the best way you can. Xxx

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  5. #23
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    Op search the thread called 'the toddler weaning room'
    Xxx

  6. #24
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    This may come across a bit blunt, sorry but I'm not very articulate with words,
    OP you have started off with DH wanted an early termination and struggled to bond with DD for the first year, I think that's understandable, and the way you have dealt with that is by trying to be both parents and building a great bond with DD. DH now wants to build a bond with DD but is struggling because she is so dependant on you and in your words you are the only person who shows real love for her, and she is clingy to you, is there any chance you are holding dh's original feelings against him? The reason I bring this up is my DH was distant from dd2 when she was born and the rest of the family favoured (in a massive way) dd1, so dd2 became "my child" not long after she turned 2 DH would get very frustrated that she wouldn't go to him and he struggled to bond with her, in the end it took me leaving her with him for an hour or 2 at a time so they had a chance to build a relationship without me hindering it, and me saying go see daddy when she wanted comforting. Yes I was annoyed he didn't make the effort in the first place but sometimes we have to forgive people for not being on the same page as us even when there is no apology, neither of us was wrong, he wasn't ready to be a dad again but became one and had to go through a period of adjustment to deal with the situation.
    Is there any chance you can set a time to sit down with DH (preferably without any kids) and discuss the things you want done? Rooms changed etc. Or can you write a list of things you want to do and stick it on the fridge and let him know "these are the things I would like to achieve, could you take a bit of time out this weekend to give me a hand", maybe DH isn't very helpful in the decision making process (who should move) because he isn't sure himself?

    Forgive me if I've got this all wrong, it does sound like you really need to look into couples counselling to open the lines of communication

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  8. #25
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    Hi freyamum, i remember your thread ages ago about the older kids miving downstairs, am i correct in my memory?? Is it possible for the others to move down so you can start dd2 in her own room? If that would work for you and breastfeeding? I do think something has to change in your family dynamic- for you to get some independence and also for your dh to be able to step meaningfully with the kids. Not sure what the answer is, but i hope you can achieve it for yourself. All the best.
    Last edited by littleriv; 26-06-2016 at 17:30.

  9. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wheaty View Post
    This may come across a bit blunt, sorry but I'm not very articulate with words,
    OP you have started off with DH wanted an early termination and struggled to bond with DD for the first year, I think that's understandable, and the way you have dealt with that is by trying to be both parents and building a great bond with DD. DH now wants to build a bond with DD but is struggling because she is so dependant on you and in your words you are the only person who shows real love for her, and she is clingy to you, is there any chance you are holding dh's original feelings against him? The reason I bring this up is my DH was distant from dd2 when she was born and the rest of the family favoured (in a massive way) dd1, so dd2 became "my child" not long after she turned 2 DH would get very frustrated that she wouldn't go to him and he struggled to bond with her, in the end it took me leaving her with him for an hour or 2 at a time so they had a chance to build a relationship without me hindering it, and me saying go see daddy when she wanted comforting. Yes I was annoyed he didn't make the effort in the first place but sometimes we have to forgive people for not being on the same page as us even when there is no apology, neither of us was wrong, he wasn't ready to be a dad again but became one and had to go through a period of adjustment to deal with the situation.
    Is there any chance you can set a time to sit down with DH (preferably without any kids) and discuss the things you want done? Rooms changed etc. Or can you write a list of things you want to do and stick it on the fridge and let him know "these are the things I would like to achieve, could you take a bit of time out this weekend to give me a hand", maybe DH isn't very helpful in the decision making process (who should move) because he isn't sure himself?

    Forgive me if I've got this all wrong, it does sound like you really need to look into couples counselling to open the lines of communication
    I'd like them to have more time together to bond. He used to take all 3 swimming and that was a big thing but classes got changed now it's weekdays. I often suggest she ask daddy or encourage her to go outside with him. She actually asked him to help with her shoes instead of me at the weekend which was great but she also refuses to let him or her siblings put on tv show for her. She's fickle. Dd1 was like that too but now total daddy's girl. I'm sure breastfeeding helped our bond but it's more that I'm with her 24/7. And no grandparents around. And out of step with friends so this time we spend a lot of time just on our own at home. She's doing a few hours at daycare which is helping her feel more confident being away from me. She happily went shopping with dp yesterday. He just needs to give it a bit of time. I'd like them to bond. My only thing is that I'm helicopter mom to him with her at times. It's so bad to admit but he is just so casual seems oblivious to all dangers. Yesterday she was up on the road and he just shouted to ds who's 7 to make sure she's not on the road! I ran up and got her I've told him so many times she is clueless and runs into the road... But I digress...

  10. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skye Baby View Post
    Firstly I want to give you the biggest virtual ((((((hug)))))). You are doing an amazing thing b/f your baby and looking after your family. I have b/f and co-slept with all my children. DD1 b/f 20 months D/S 2 1/2 years DD2 3 years and DD3 16 months and still feeding.

    My DH didn't really want our DD2 who was our third, he said it was because he did not have the ability to do it and there is 7 years between her and our DS (DH has ASD and other sensory issues going on). Initially He didn't really bond with her and barley helped me with her. It's like he used it as an excuse that he told me he wouldn't be able to cope so he couldn't help me. How convinient for him. Now (she is 4 nearly 5) he loves her and they have bonded. My DH has always been supportive of b/f so it must be tough for you without his support in this department.

    I hear you loud and clear about needing a break it can be full on with a toddler and other children. I think I am about to have a nervous break down at the moment. Yes I have 4 kids (my choice) but I need a bit of respite too. I am also thinking of getting a cleaner come just to do a basic clean of my house each week as I am struggling I don't seem to be getting much more than the washing cooking and dishes done each day. My DH is waiting on an eye operation so can not look after the younger children presently. I have no family or any friends who could help me out where I live in rural Tasmania.

    Once on solids b/f toddlers can go all day without a bf so this is a bad excuse on his part, I went back to work with my first two when they were both under one and DH looked after them and they were b/f.

    I am thinking about putting my youngest in child care 1 day a week just to give me some respite before I end up in the looney bin, is this something you could do? I am still contemplating it. I would rather they be talking before they go into care and my 16 month old gets very sick and ends up in hospital just about everytime she gets a respitory illness (it come to our house anyway thanks to the older kids).

    I am thinking of night time weaning soon my DD is getting a bit full on at the moment in that department. What I did in the past was offer them water when they woke up (in case they were thirsty) and told them that they had to wait until the sun came up before I fed them. It is tough but you know you will get their in the end.

    Can someone please enlighten me as to who the WHO recommendation of 2 years and beyond is ??. First I have ever hear of this.

    I think it is utter cr@p about dads not bonding with a baby while they are B/F clearly it is the indervidual Dad that has the problem because so many other dads don't have this issue at all. "They just want their wife back" we'll news flash they will never get their wife back to the way it was before children because they are a family now, they simply have to share their wife now, things have changed. Some dads are amazing and cook and clean and help out so much that perhaps their wives have more time for them (unfortunatly this is not my DH).
    Just on last para as no time... When I was pregnant with dd1 and for at least a year after dp was so good around the house, he started making dinners when I had ms, then still did when she was born. He was so supportive then. And we lived in a little flat and didn't care about mess went out all the time etc. fast forward 8 years and 2 kids later his work hours maybe an hour longer a day but now we live in unsuitable house too big for us and I have to do everything!! He does make dinner at weekends. But it's not even that my work load has gone thru the roof and I can't cope it's that I can't talk about house issues with him as that somehow became my role and to talk is to complain so he's not interested. And as I have to be home so much I hate mess now and he doesn't even see it.

  11. #28
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    Look, your partner regularly acts like a complete tool. You know this, we know this. This is his fault, not yours.

    Breastfeeding is part of your relationship with your daughter, and there's no reason that it ought to inhibit any other relationships. Can you imagine someone trying to argue that a mum oughtn't cuddle their toddler 'cause it would stop them bonding with anyone else? It's ridiculous. He's perfectly capable of building a relationship with your daughter, all boobs aside.

    As for the night weaning... Good on you. It can be tough, and I'm so sorry you don't have his support. I night weaned my 1 year old recently and couldn't have done it without my partner.

    It's all very well your partner having opinions on how he'd like things to be, but if he won't actually discuss them task ably with you or assist in making changes/dealing with consequences, then i wouldn't be listening either.

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  13. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Why do you say this?

    On the surface of it I would say bub being fed (to sleep) throughout the night has significantly impacted bubs ability to self settle. If you stop feeding bub to sleep, bub is more likely to sleep through. Don't get me wrong it won't be easy - and it sucks you don't have a support system to draw on. Slowly weaning might help (slowly reduce the length of time you feed bub through the night, slowly leaving bub a little longer before you offer a feed). At 2 your toddler may be open to other incentives (reward charts etc).
    What I meant was suddenly fully weaning. I'm already working on night weaning. She used to put herself to sleep in the cot beside our bed and come in during the night but around 18months started screeching and would not be left. Was close to climbing out of cot so that's how we ended up with her full time cosleeping and feeding a lot again. Night weaning has been going better than I expected. A few terrible nights and then a few where she slept to about 3/4 and then wanted boob and took a while to go back to sleep without. I'm letting her feed around 5. I don't feed her to sleep at night. We have a great routine of bath, feed, stories with milk from a cup and then I lie in bed with her until she falls asleep. This last part is hard to break as she's in our bed and wraps her hands around my neck. Her cot has 1 side down and is attached to the bed but in such a way that trying to settle her to sleep without me lying down would be pretty tricky. I'm thinking of putting the toddler bed in our room while we figure out long term sleeping arrangements so I could sit on the floor and hold her hand or something and gradually reduce how much she needs me. That's how we got her sleeping in the cot.

  14. #30
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    hi freyamum. I know you have many issues with your dh. I feel for you. I think if you had some family close by to give you some support, you would be able to handle the issues so much better. I agree with Renn. He seems to be not willing to even discuss with you, let alone actually help you with anything. I don't know what to suggest, but I feel that if he cant make a better effort towards your marriage, things are only going to get worse. hugs, marie.


 

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