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  1. #11
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. I agree there are probably underlining issues and it isn't just about the breastfeeding. As you've said yourself he didn't really want to have another baby in the beginning and didn't bond with her until after she was a year old; could it be that he resents that you didn't have the termination in the beginning and almost feels like you've made this decision on your own and now you should deal with the consequences (ie looking after all 3 children?). not to say he's being reasonable of course.

    I believe you really need to talk about your feelings, but with a mediator. You can't keep ignoring the obvious and let it go on.

    my DH felt very similar to your DH when I was pregnant with my 4th. It was very unplanned and we hoped to be in a better financial position as I would be able to go back to work. He's said many times how much better off we would be and I completely agree but he agrees it is what it is and has said he could never imagine not having our newborn. That being said I don't ask for help because I feel like I should manage. I do of course have days when I need a break, but I look to friends for help instead. Could you do the same? Even if it meant play dates over the holidays and you're just with your 2 year old at an indoor play centre with a friend having a coffee? I really find that's my best release.

    I hope things get better for you. Try to talk to your husband at a time when youre both happy, and try not to bring up feelings etc during an argument.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aquillah View Post
    To play devils advocate, I can see his POV. You say you can't cope with three children yet you have three children completely dependant on you. You obviously feel strongly about this and maybe he feels if he says anything about the feeding you are going to get upset and not listen to his POV. I would find it difficult if my husband had insisted I keep a baby I didn't factor into my life, insist the child sleep in our bed and feed the baby and I couldn't be a part of it all. It doesn't sound like you are prepared to compromise at all and you want his unconditional support without considering what he may like. I'm not saying your needs should be tossed aside however he needs to be a part of the decisions
    From the sounds of things, do you both put aside any time for your relationship? A date night each week with young children is probably not going to happen however you need to start paying some positive attention to each other.
    not familiar with the OP's back story and dh issues but I agree with all of this.

    maybe he just wants his wife back?

    I struggle to get extended BF, past 12m. as another poster pointed out above, I also question the WHO recommendation of BF to 2 years of age. nutrition aside though, it just strikes me as having made a rod for your own back. you're BF and co sleeping, all of which the child loves and has accepted as the norm. of course weaning will be an issue.

    I don't know, I just think don't you get to a point where you want your body back? where you want to be a couple again with you dh? to reclaim your bed?

    I kind of sympathize with your husband OP. maybe if you listened to him you could find some middle ground compromise that works for everyone?

    why is choosing how long to BF a child the woman's choice only? the camping analogy provided above doesn't really wash either. camping is something you do sporadically, once a week at weekends at most. BF and co sleeping are lifestyle choices that impact your daily existence.

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  4. #13
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    Thanks for these alternative points of views. I do try and see things from his side but I don't think he ever does that for me. The cosleeping he has been fine with for the first year. He doesn't have to do anything during the night. We have 3 kids and 3 bedrooms upstairs. I'm always trying to talk to him about how we can get ms2 her own room. He'll sometimes chat but the actual process is left to me and I have no time to clean out rooms and and get kids moved etc. and the whole who should move debate is still ongoing. I just feel this latest thing of him saying I need to take away boobie is just him putting all the blame for bad sleep on me. When he says wean her, he means me wean her all by myself with no assistance from him. I just say no to her and put up with the consequences. When I tried to talk a while back about why he wanted me to wean her and explain my reasons for not being ready he just shouted at me that I had made her dependent on me and that other people can wean their kids, should be obvious why I needed to. I have no family here and no social life so even if offered to help by looking after her while I went away I'd have nowhere to go. Not that he has offered to do anything. He got so angry with me for not weaning months ago when he said it might be time. He never actually tried to properly talk to me he just said in passing one day maybe it's time to wean. And when I say in passing I literally mean he muttered it as he walked past me. I was supposed to either quit straight away or chase him to have the discussion that I hadn't been made aware was of importance! Sometimes he acts like he should be king of the house and I should follow any idea that he puts out there.
    It isn't just about weaning or not it's just a reminder of how twisted and dysfunctional this relationship is.
    I've been so understanding of his attitude to her knowing that it wasn't what he wanted but it's also made me really protective of her as I've been mum and dad. He wants to be more involved now but she's wary. And she is really clingy but I think it's because she only gets real love from me. No grandparents around regularly. I'm trying to encourage them to do things together. I know part of his desire for her to wean is he thinks she'll switch over to being a daddy's girl like my eldest did. He did admit this once but only after he'd shouted nasty abuse at me and made me feel completely worthless. And now he's using the sleep issues as an excuse to get me to wean. I don't think weaning is going to help with her sleep. It'll just cause her and me more stress that I don't need right now

  5. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    not familiar with the OP's back story and dh issues but I agree with all of this.

    maybe he just wants his wife back?

    I struggle to get extended BF, past 12m. as another poster pointed out above, I also question the WHO recommendation of BF to 2 years of age. nutrition aside though, it just strikes me as having made a rod for your own back. you're BF and co sleeping, all of which the child loves and has accepted as the norm. of course weaning will be an issue.

    I don't know, I just think don't you get to a point where you want your body back? where you want to be a couple again with you dh? to reclaim your bed?

    I kind of sympathize with your husband OP. maybe if you listened to him you could find some middle ground compromise that works for everyone?

    why is choosing how long to BF a child the woman's choice only? the camping analogy provided above doesn't really wash either. camping is something you do sporadically, once a week at weekends at most. BF and co sleeping are lifestyle choices that impact your daily existence.
    As a hubber who's currently bfing an almost 2 year old, I'd say how long to bf isn't just the woman's choice. It's primarily the woman's and the child's choice. It's all well and good to say you get to a point where you want your body and bed back so surely you'd wean but weaning isn't as simple as it sounds. It can be really hard work! I never imagined bfing past 12 months but dd wasn't ready to stop. There are days when I'd love to be done bfing and there are certainly limits on when and where I will bf but to just cut all bfing suddenly, in the way the op's husband is suggesting, would be stressful and traumatic for a boob obsessed toddler.

    Op, I think it sounds like you're doing a great job night weaning and your dh's comment was really unhelpful. Can you sit down with a mediator to talk through some of these issues? Including trying to find out what his problem with your continued bfing is in a safe environment?

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  7. #15
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    I can see your partners view here sorry. He wants you back and your bed to just be that YOUR bed. He's sick of sharing and wants it to end. I never co -slept with my DS he always had his own room right from the beginning (was 4 metres from my door) so I never had that issue. As for weaning I introduced the bottle and DS had boobie at the same time when I was at work. At 9 months of age I cut him off one day and never looked back.

    It has to be a give and take situation on both your sides. He wants boob to stop and the co-sleeping I will assume and he will hopefully help out with her a bit more.

  8. #16
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    For those people saying they see the op's husband's point and he wants his bed back etc, don't you think it's a but unreasonable to just demand the op weans without offering to help her with that change in any way? I also feel like people are overlooking the fact that the op stated she's currently working on night weaning and doing it with no help from her partner. Would it not make more sense for her dh to work with her than to effectively be moaning about it not being a magical overnight fix? If you're going to say her dh has a right to say when their dd should be weaned and stop cosleeping then doesn't he also have a responsibility to actively contribute towards making those things happen? It seems a bit rich to be implying he has rights but not responsibilities.

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  10. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by BettyV View Post
    For those people saying they see the op's husband's point and he wants his bed back etc, don't you think it's a but unreasonable to just demand the op weans without offering to help her with that change in any way? I also feel like people are overlooking the fact that the op stated she's currently working on night weaning and doing it with no help from her partner. Would it not make more sense for her dh to work with her than to effectively be moaning about it not being a magical overnight fix? If you're going to say her dh has a right to say when their dd should be weaned and stop cosleeping then doesn't he also have a responsibility to actively contribute towards making those things happen? It seems a bit rich to be implying he has rights but not responsibilities.
    completely agree.

    both parties needs to find a happy medium that works for everyone (eg might weaning) and then both mum and dad should be working together to make that happen.

    apologies if my post came off as implying it's only up to the OP to do the job of weaning.

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  12. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    . I don't think weaning is going to help with her sleep.
    Why do you say this?

    On the surface of it I would say bub being fed (to sleep) throughout the night has significantly impacted bubs ability to self settle. If you stop feeding bub to sleep, bub is more likely to sleep through. Don't get me wrong it won't be easy - and it sucks you don't have a support system to draw on. Slowly weaning might help (slowly reduce the length of time you feed bub through the night, slowly leaving bub a little longer before you offer a feed). At 2 your toddler may be open to other incentives (reward charts etc).

  13. #19
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    Default Partner unsupportive of breastfeeding beyond a year

    OP reading your second post my heart breaks for your daughter. I watch my nearly 3 year old (also unplanned) and her incredibly close bond with her dad and how important it is to her as we too have no family around. No one should grow up feeling uncomfortable around their own parents.

    Honest question. Do you want to stay with your partner? I know you have no support and no work but forgetting all that for one moment. Do you look at him and think yes I want him in my life. I want to be with him.

    What I'd be worried about is what next. Once you wean and she's sleeping or whatever what will the next problem be.
    Last edited by Sonja; 26-06-2016 at 16:07.

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  15. #20
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    If a parent doesn't take an active part in helping settle at night, I'm of an opinion that they don't really get to criticise how the other parent settles the child. If my DH told me I could only hush-pat to sleep but didnt offer any assistance, I'd tell him to go shove it.

    While I agree, it sounds like he is over cosleeping etc, if he wants to stop it he needs to help out by helping work out where DD2 can sleep etc.

    OP you are doing a fab job. Nightweaning a boobie monster is freaking hard and combine in unhelpful comments make it twice as hard.

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