+ Reply to Thread
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 15 of 15
  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    At the beach
    Posts
    10,495
    Thanks
    1,430
    Thanked
    9,003
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 17/10/14100 Posts in a week
    Can I just add I think your MIL actually sounds lovely and like she means well. She sounds very excited about the birth and at the same time she wants to hang on to her wonderful bond with her son.

    I have a good friend who married a man who was very very close to his mum. In the end it didn't go well because she never knew when to butt out and when her help was wanted. She was overbearing but I think she always meant well. The problem was it undermined her daughter in law (my friend) to the point she never wanted her MIL around.

    You should be able to have a good relationship with your MIL but you need to get it off on the right footing before the baby arrives and keep working on it after the baby is born.

    Good luck.

  2. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Sonja For This Useful Post:

    BettyW  (25-06-2016),binnielici  (25-06-2016),LoveLivesHere  (25-06-2016),VicPark  (25-06-2016)

  3. #12
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    5,747
    Thanks
    3,825
    Thanked
    3,655
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    TBH you need to be taking to your DH not his mum. This will continue to be an issue not just when the baby comes but for the rest of your life. You need to sort this out now. You either are happy to live with his mum constantly in your lives or you set some ground rules now - and by this I mean with your DH. It's not fair if him to takes sides with his mum. You are his wife. He shares his life with you now. It's your house, your nursery, your child. Those decisions are for you and your DH to make and not his mum. I would personally say no to the offer to pay for furniture otherwise she will absolutely want to pick it all out. It sounds like her way of ensuring she gets a say.

    Sorry OP but things are about to get a whole lot worse once bubs comes along unless you can sort this out now! I feel very sorry for you but you need to stand up to your husband and ask him to be on your 'team' and not get his mum involved in anything unless you have both agreed. Otherwise it's going to drive a wedge between you.

    I agree she probably means well, but that doesn't mean you have to constantly compromise for her either. Be polite but firm. Give her a project or something she can be involved in/have control over. Tell her you really appreciate her help but what you would really like is for her to help with 'X' because it's important for you to do 'Y' and 'Z' by yourself. Etc.

  4. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to sunnygirl79 For This Useful Post:

    BettyV  (25-06-2016),BettyW  (25-06-2016),Little Miss Sunshine  (25-06-2016),LoveLivesHere  (25-06-2016),twinklify  (25-06-2016)

  5. #13
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    2,065
    Thanks
    1,933
    Thanked
    1,491
    Reviews
    12
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts

    Default Vent about my MIL

    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl79 View Post
    TBH you need to be taking to your DH not his mum. This will continue to be an issue not just when the baby comes but for the rest of your life. You need to sort this out now. You either are happy to live with his mum constantly in your lives or you set some ground rules now - and by this I mean with your DH. It's not fair if him to takes sides with his mum. You are his wife. He shares his life with you now. It's your house, your nursery, your child. Those decisions are for you and your DH to make and not his mum. I would personally say no to the offer to pay for furniture otherwise she will absolutely want to pick it all out. It sounds like her way of ensuring she gets a say.

    Sorry OP but things are about to get a whole lot worse once bubs comes along unless you can sort this out now! I feel very sorry for you but you need to stand up to your husband and ask him to be on your 'team' and not get his mum involved in anything unless you have both agreed. Otherwise it's going to drive a wedge between you.

    I agree she probably means well, but that doesn't mean you have to constantly compromise for her either. Be polite but firm. Give her a project or something she can be involved in/have control over. Tell her you really appreciate her help but what you would really like is for her to help with 'X' because it's important for you to do 'Y' and 'Z' by yourself. Etc.
    All of this! I've been trying to work out how to word it and couldn't.

    Please talk to your dh about how his deferring to his mum's opinion makes you feel. He needs to have your back and start putting boundaries in place.

    ETA: reworded because I'm worried sleep deprivation was making me sound too harsh. Sorry!
    Last edited by BettyV; 25-06-2016 at 05:34.

  6. #14
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    6,869
    Thanks
    4,776
    Thanked
    4,210
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by Happyhaps View Post
    Here is a little background to my story:
    My partner and I have been together 4 years and I've always known that him and his mum are close and that he does everything she tells him. Her and I have always gotten along, but since we moved into a house in the same suburb as her, and have since fallen pregnant, things seem to have taken a turn. OH's work is mostly around our area, so everyday he goes to his mums and she will have lunch waiting for him. If i'm not home to make dinner then she will make his dinner for him and had made comments to him saying that she thought I would have prepared something for him to heat up. She has always been a homemaker and never had a job outside of the home. Her children are all in their 20s/30s but she still doesn't work because she would rather be there in case the kids need her. When we first moved we had issues where she would come to our house while i was working and clean things. Not just a vacuum/ dust but go through washing and put it away in our drawers, strip the bed and remake it, rearrange the bathroom cupboards. I was infuriated and found it really invasive of my privacy. OH would stick up for her saying that she's only trying to help and that she has always cleaned his things and to stop overreacting . We had massive fights over it. No one wants their MIL in their underwear drawer!! Eventually he obviously told her how angry it made me and it stopped, so things improved for a bit with no issues.
    Now we are due in October and have started to prepare the nursery. I told OH that the wooden sliding door to the nursery was really noisy so we would be best to grease the door runner/ replace the door/ whatever it is you do. Well he has gone and mentioned this to his mum and her reply to him was that "The baby has to learn to sleep through noises, you have to have a bit of noise around or else it will have sleep troubles later on"... seroiusly? So the next time i brought it up about the noisy door he told me he's not going to bother because his mum said it's fine.
    Now her is my dilemma:
    OH invited her to come baby shopping with us over the weekend because she wants to pay for half of the nursery furniture. I am very grateful for the offer but I also feel like she will try and take over and pressure me into things Im not interested in. I saw a Baby Bunting catalogue at her house with certain things circled and I know she has already picked certain items out He will agree with his mum on everything and it will be really crap. I'm so not a confrontational person and my style is to agree and hold things in until i burst at a random moment lol. I feel that she has good intentions but she always need to feel involved and have an opinion!
    Would it be rude to ask her not to come shopping?
    your problems run deeper than just asking her not to come shopping unfortunately.

    agree with everything sunnygirl79 has said. your issue is with your dh, not your mil.

    your dh needs to grow a pair and tell him mum to butt out. I agree with Sonja that she does sound well meaning rather than malicious, but I can see how your dh's behaviour is upsetting to you.

    he needs to stop going around there for lunch/dinner. needs to start telling her "mum, I've spoken to X (being yourself) and we've decided to ...."

    he needs to start laying down boundaries that show her you and him are a team and that she's welcome as a spectator, but not an active participant. my mil also offered to pay for nursery items for us, an offer we both declined. aside from the fact she can't afford it, we wanted to buy everything for our bub ourselves. and when you take that kind of help from people, it usually comes with invisible terms and conditions. in the end we said ok, you can buy the car seat. that way she felt included and like her help was appreciated but we firmly set the boundaries. we took her along with us on the day we bought the seat too, so she felt included.

    my dh user to be a bit of a mummy's boy...his mum is on her own and quite clingy/needy. proud of the fact her boys did everything for her etc. there was definitely a transition when I came on the scene and she could see we were getting serious. I addressed the issues with him always. he knew she was his issue to deal with and not mine. if I'd tried dealing with her, I'd be viewed as the interloper and the meddling b.tch.

    this really should've been nipped in the bud years ago. you've left it a little late. your dh will feel disloyal and mean towards his mum enforcing boundaries now. but it must be done or else it will cause enormous friction between you and your partner.

    imagine if you needed an emergency general during delivery. your dh sounds like the sort to phone his mum and show her the bun before you've even met your own baby and are still in recovery waking up from the general. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to give you practical scenarios that you may be faced with if you don't deal with this now.

    your dh is going to be in a tough position for a while but he needs to come around. as others have said, you're a family now and he needs to put that first. if he can't tell his mum to take a backseat, you guys will always have issues and it'll get a whole lot worse once bubs is here.

    living in the same suburb as here wasn't the smartest move either but I guess that's not something that's easily fixed.

    good luck. you're going to have to be strong and stand your ground.

  7. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to turquoisecoast For This Useful Post:

    babybeeno1  (25-06-2016),BettyV  (25-06-2016)

  8. #15
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,029
    Thanks
    5,464
    Thanked
    4,403
    Reviews
    20
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I adore my MIL and we have a great relationship, so I don't know whether that will be clouding my reply.

    Going shopping with you sounds like something she is really excited about. If she's likely to get ahead of herself and start taking control of purchases, I would research now and get some ideas of the main items that you want to look at, write a list down and print off a copy for each of you. Obviously you will look at other brands/styles etc, but having a guide for her to look at will hopefully remind her that you're the one in control.
    Purchasing all of the things you need can get overwhelming, so the research and list is a good idea anyway
    Another option would be for you to give her free reign over something that you likely wouldn't mind what she chooses. Ie. "While dh & I look at the prams, you can go and choose the towels and face washers". Some other ideas would be a playmat or bath.

    The comment about babies having to get used to noise is somewhat true and wouldn't be something I would take issue with. Your dh, on the other hand, sounds like he's hanging off her every word, so I would be pulling him up.

    My MIL is invaluable, especially as my children get older. She offers to have them while I do groceries or go to appointments, or even just so I can wander the shops. When I had my second, she was in hospital for 7 weeks and my MIL dropped everything to look after my eldest every day, so I could be there. Set some ground rules, but try not to push her away, because there's a chance she could be a big part of your village.

  9. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to atomicmama For This Useful Post:

    BettyW  (25-06-2016),binnielici  (25-06-2016),Mokeybear  (25-06-2016)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Vent, mil 😡
    By ciaomamma in forum Family & Friends
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 06-02-2016, 14:10
  2. Over it. Vent. Looking for a hug.
    By misho in forum General Chat
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 29-01-2016, 11:24
  3. Need to vent...
    By Freyamum in forum General Chat
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 05-11-2015, 15:07

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Fridge-To-Go Australasia
Xmas with a NEW Fridge-to-go Lunch Bag! Fridge-To-Go Australasia
Fridge-to-go 8 hour cooler bags are ideal under the Christmas tree! Now in modern lunch bag designs - fill them with toys and chocolate to make parents and kids happy! Stay super cool and eat healthy and fresh food all summer long!
sales & new stuffsee all
Bub Hub Sales Listing
HAVING A SALE? Let parents know about it with a Bub Hub Sales listing. Listings are featured on our well trafficked Sales Page + selected randomly to appear on EVERY page
featured supporter
Baby Car Seats and Infant Car Restraints
Buying a baby car seat? Check out our 'go-to' links here!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!