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  1. #1
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    Default Vent about my MIL

    Here is a little background to my story:
    My partner and I have been together 4 years and I've always known that him and his mum are close and that he does everything she tells him. Her and I have always gotten along, but since we moved into a house in the same suburb as her, and have since fallen pregnant, things seem to have taken a turn. OH's work is mostly around our area, so everyday he goes to his mums and she will have lunch waiting for him. If i'm not home to make dinner then she will make his dinner for him and had made comments to him saying that she thought I would have prepared something for him to heat up. She has always been a homemaker and never had a job outside of the home. Her children are all in their 20s/30s but she still doesn't work because she would rather be there in case the kids need her. When we first moved we had issues where she would come to our house while i was working and clean things. Not just a vacuum/ dust but go through washing and put it away in our drawers, strip the bed and remake it, rearrange the bathroom cupboards. I was infuriated and found it really invasive of my privacy. OH would stick up for her saying that she's only trying to help and that she has always cleaned his things and to stop overreacting . We had massive fights over it. No one wants their MIL in their underwear drawer!! Eventually he obviously told her how angry it made me and it stopped, so things improved for a bit with no issues.
    Now we are due in October and have started to prepare the nursery. I told OH that the wooden sliding door to the nursery was really noisy so we would be best to grease the door runner/ replace the door/ whatever it is you do. Well he has gone and mentioned this to his mum and her reply to him was that "The baby has to learn to sleep through noises, you have to have a bit of noise around or else it will have sleep troubles later on"... seroiusly? So the next time i brought it up about the noisy door he told me he's not going to bother because his mum said it's fine.
    Now her is my dilemma:
    OH invited her to come baby shopping with us over the weekend because she wants to pay for half of the nursery furniture. I am very grateful for the offer but I also feel like she will try and take over and pressure me into things Im not interested in. I saw a Baby Bunting catalogue at her house with certain things circled and I know she has already picked certain items out He will agree with his mum on everything and it will be really crap. I'm so not a confrontational person and my style is to agree and hold things in until i burst at a random moment lol. I feel that she has good intentions but she always need to feel involved and have an opinion!
    Would it be rude to ask her not to come shopping?

  2. #2
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    I think babyshopping is a lovely part of having a baby and doing that with your partner can be a really beautiful personal thing . Why don't you go on it from that angle . Say that if she really wants to pay for half then you will give her the receipt when she come around to have a cuppa and look at all the new exciting things you have . That's fair I think .

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    Default Vent about my MIL

    I can see how frustrating this could be for you. From the prospective of a woman who is extremely close to her 21 year old son I know how hard it will be for me to step back if/when he has his first child.

    I agree with pp's suggestion. But as a way to soften it could you suggest that you both go shopping for the layette, just the two you? Perhaps make it a real girls day with a high tea or similar after the shopping is done?

    Just trying to think about how I would feel in this situation and I know an offer of a day out with my DIL doing something special for the baby would go a long way.

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  6. #4
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    Omg that would drive me crazy! Tbh I would get someone else in to fix the door (or try to do it myself). And then hope my dh felt bad about not supporting me! He needs to be on your side going forward - he may have a great relationship with his Mum but he is with you, so needs to demonstrate that he supports you and what's important to you.

    I loved going shopping for baby items just with dh - it was a way we could start bonding with bub together before birth and we would often talk about the future - not stuff you necessarily want your MIL to hear! I think you need to be firm with your MIL and set boundaries early on, or else it will get worse once bub arrives.

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    I totally get you OP. You feel like instead of being your baby with you and DH suddenly its a baby to 3 people.

    Can you afford to pay for the furniture? If so, I would buy most of it and if she wants to pitch in tell her exactly what to buy.

    I would also feel a bit annoyed going with DH and MIL shopping. Your DH has to back YOU.

    And tell him to fix the door. So not ask lol.

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    Given the situations you've described this is might be the start of an avalanche of boundary stomping by your mil. If it does bother you now then it's likely going to bother you a lot more when bubs is here. I would use the two situations as a test case to see how DH and mil react to you 'putting your foot down' for want of a better term. Nicely of course.
    As a pp suggested organize someone to fix the door. When you've spent 2hrs getting a restless bub to sleep only for bub to wake up by the sound of the door you will want to rip said door off its hinges entirely. Get it fixed for peace of mind.
    Re the shopping trip. One of you need to discuss this with mil. Either let her come but don't buy anything at all. Use it as a look-see trip only then go back and buy what you want. If you don't want her to have a say then don't take her money sorry. Or tell her outright 'hey mil we would really like to have this first shop as a special couple thing. We'll let you know how it goes and hopefully you can come next time I'm sure there will be so many shopping trips ahead you'll be positively sick of them!'
    If DH or mil react badly to any of this then you'll have a battle on your hands in terms of getting them to respect your boundaries in general I think.
    You should strive for a good relationship with mil but you also have a right to privacy and if something is important to you (like taking a big baby shop with DH) then she should respect you both enough to not get put out by it.
    Not sure if I can mention this here but Google dwil nation. You should take a look!

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    Wow thanks for the replies. I've had this building up all week and felt so much better after my rant.
    My mum and I have a great relationship but she has always been laid back and given me my own space and encouraged independence. I guess I find my MIL suffocating and controlling beacuse I'm not used to a mother being so involved and always around.

    I had always imagined going shopping as a couple and not having a third wheel, but I know that our baby being the first grandchild means she is really excited too and wants to be a part of it.
    I had a chat to OH tonight and told him that I'm fine for MIL to come shopping but if I dislike something I will say NO and I want him to listen to me . Fingers crossed x

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    Your OH constantly involving his mother in everything is, for me anyway, a huge issue. I am really firm in my marriage about DH not telling his parents every detail of our lives and he is the same.

    Personally I would be addressing it as an issue that I could potentially see snowballing once the baby arrives. You may have really bad days where you're upset, or tired, and emotional or just plain angry and if he's telling his mum in a way that undermines you it will get worse.

    I agree find ways for her to be involved but on your terms. Once you have kids you create your new family and your parents and inlaws are part of that family but one step removed.

    At least that's how it works for me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    Your OH constantly involving his mother in everything is, for me anyway, a huge issue. I am really firm in my marriage about DH not telling his parents every detail of our lives and he is the same.

    Personally I would be addressing it as an issue that I could potentially see snowballing once the baby arrives. You may have really bad days where you're upset, or tired, and emotional or just plain angry and if he's telling his mum in a way that undermines you it will get worse.

    I agree find ways for her to be involved but on your terms. Once you have kids you create your new family and your parents and inlaws are part of that family but one step removed.

    At least that's how it works for me.
    Perfectly put

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    If this where me I would be hitting the roof literally. The last thing you need is the medling mil from hell because once she starts getting away one thing you OH will let her get away with everything in the entirety of your relationship and all it will do is put stress on your family and you'll start resenting each other. My mil knows to stay out of it I've put her in her place she was controlling my OH for to many years until finally he started listening to me and could see what she was doing. The nail in the coffin for me with her last year was when we told her we where engaged after 5.5yrs together. Reaction was so you got him to get you a ring did you. From then on I want nothing to do with her.

    Stand your ground as its your house your baby and not hers. By all means have her over for visits etc but don't let her tell you what to do with your child. The only person i take advice from is my own mum whom in quite close with but she knows when to not preach etc she'll sit back and watch then say maybe do it this way and see if it's helps

    With the door, try fixing it yourself in front of OH and see what he does. I've done this to my OH to make him feel guilty then boom he'll do it for me.

    Good luck Hun. Write it all down and be strong


 

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