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  1. #11
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    Thanks I am more than happy to wait a year to discuss it again I think it just really gets to me when he is so vocally against it now, every time we have a hard day he says '...and you want another one?!' Or '2 kids are more than enough' Etc. He seems to be getting more and more against the idea each day. I try to ignore it but it hurts as he knows that's not how I feel right now.

    He keeps making references to overseas holidays and how he would prefer that than another child.

    I think it's his attitude combined with his apparent negativity surrounding parental duties which he avoids like the plague. I do everything during the week (fair enough I am on maternity leave) but even on wknds he sees the kids as a chore. He would rather be playing golf etc. He is currently having a whinge about taking DS1 to sport instead of seeing it as an opportunity for quality time with his son. I am not sure if this will change?? I can't say anything to him he just gets defensive as he doesn't see it that way.

  2. #12
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    he sounds like he's really struggling with the demands kids place (currently don't blame him, I declared last night to dh I'm not having any more lol).

    do you think it's the reflux/sleep issues you had with ds2 in the early days that's put him off? what was he like/his attitude when ds1 was born?

    I think he does need to adjust his expectations and realise these hard times won't be forever. are there other issues going on (stres/unhappy with work etc) that are causing him to be extra snappy and impatient?

  3. #13
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    I agree with everyone else - just leave it for a while. I've made many comments to my dh not to expect any more after ds (he's my first!). I've just found this newborn phase so difficult that the thought of another makes my skin crawl. BUT that may change in a year or so. Some people just need time to adjust and 'forget' the difficulties.

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  5. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    he sounds like he's really struggling with the demands kids place (currently don't blame him, I declared last night to dh I'm not having any more lol).

    do you think it's the reflux/sleep issues you had with ds2 in the early days that's put him off? what was he like/his attitude when ds1 was born?

    I think he does need to adjust his expectations and realise these hard times won't be forever. are there other issues going on (stres/unhappy with work etc) that are causing him to be extra snappy and impatient?
    I think it's a combination of things. The first weeks absolutely were stressful for us both - I survived on happy hormones, he doesn't cope at all with even a little missed sleep. It's finance driven, the thought of another mouth to feed, kid to school etc is a huge factor - we are in a good financial position now so he doesn't see the point in changing that. And he doesn't really enjoy babies at all. He'll be the first to admit that. Like most men he is looking forward to the stage he can take the boys fishing, riding bikes, playing golf (ironically DS1 is at that stage now but he still rarely spends time with him!). He wants to get over this 'restrictive' baby stage and move on as a family - go on overseas holidays, camping trips etc. Of course any of these can be done with babies but it's harder and he doesn't have a great deal of patience.

    I do think there is more to it though. We have been together 10 years and I have noticed he is more stressed more snappy less tolerant. He has always had anal retentive tendencies but they've become magnified. He can not walk past a bit of fluff on the tiles, he gets stressed about finding time to mow the lawn when it's literally only 3cm long, he constantly vocalises about all the things that need doing around the house ('we need to have a big clean up this weekend. The floors are disgusting. The couch needs cleaning. Bathrooms need cleaning. Etc etc.). I am a bit worried about him but it's really hard to talk to him about it as he just doesn't see it as an issue. The issue isn't that he wants to be clean, tidy and organised, the issue is he gets so visibly stressed and grumpy over it all the time and it affects DS1 a lot (he just wants to play with daddy, daddy just wants to pack away the toys).

    Sorry for the rant. Babies are hard on relationships and that's probably why I am feeling the way I do - maybe we can't have another child because it would cause too much relationship stress. Not something I ever thought would be a problem for us.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl79 View Post

    I do think there is more to it though. We have been together 10 years and I have noticed he is more stressed more snappy less tolerant. He has always had anal retentive tendencies but they've become magnified. He can not walk past a bit of fluff on the tiles, he gets stressed about finding time to mow the lawn when it's literally only 3cm long, he constantly vocalises about all the things that need doing around the house ('we need to have a big clean up this weekend. The floors are disgusting. The couch needs cleaning. Bathrooms need cleaning. Etc etc.). I am a bit worried about him but it's really hard to talk to him about it as he just doesn't see it as an issue. The issue isn't that he wants to be clean, tidy and organised, the issue is he gets so visibly stressed and grumpy over it all the time and it affects DS1 a lot (he just wants to play with daddy, daddy just wants to pack away the toys).
    .
    I read this paragraph and instantly identified with your DH. I have anxiety which I would describe as being set off by a lack of control, and mess is a huge one. It sounds to me like your husband has anxiety and the 2nd baby has sent it into a tail spin.

    I would urge him to go speak to his GP about meds and alternative tactics to calm himself.

    As to the baby, I highly suspect once the baby stage is over and he has a hold of his anxiety his answer may well be different.

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  8. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl79 View Post
    I think it's a combination of things. The first weeks absolutely were stressful for us both - I survived on happy hormones, he doesn't cope at all with even a little missed sleep. It's finance driven, the thought of another mouth to feed, kid to school etc is a huge factor - we are in a good financial position now so he doesn't see the point in changing that. And he doesn't really enjoy babies at all. He'll be the first to admit that. Like most men he is looking forward to the stage he can take the boys fishing, riding bikes, playing golf (ironically DS1 is at that stage now but he still rarely spends time with him!). He wants to get over this 'restrictive' baby stage and move on as a family - go on overseas holidays, camping trips etc. Of course any of these can be done with babies but it's harder and he doesn't have a great deal of patience.

    I do think there is more to it though. We have been together 10 years and I have noticed he is more stressed more snappy less tolerant. He has always had anal retentive tendencies but they've become magnified. He can not walk past a bit of fluff on the tiles, he gets stressed about finding time to mow the lawn when it's literally only 3cm long, he constantly vocalises about all the things that need doing around the house ('we need to have a big clean up this weekend. The floors are disgusting. The couch needs cleaning. Bathrooms need cleaning. Etc etc.). I am a bit worried about him but it's really hard to talk to him about it as he just doesn't see it as an issue. The issue isn't that he wants to be clean, tidy and organised, the issue is he gets so visibly stressed and grumpy over it all the time and it affects DS1 a lot (he just wants to play with daddy, daddy just wants to pack away the toys).

    Sorry for the rant. Babies are hard on relationships and that's probably why I am feeling the way I do - maybe we can't have another child because it would cause too much relationship stress. Not something I ever thought would be a problem for us.
    he sounds super stressed, sorry to hear. it doesn't sound like much fun for either of you. I wonder if work is causing him stress? like the pressure of being the sole provider right now? I know my dh is super stressed with his work issues and it's compounded by the fact I'm on mat leave and not brining in an income right now. it's sh!t how stressful it is. you feel like these are supposed to be the golden years, the times we look back on fondly in years to come, and I fear they'll be marred by stress and anxiety.

    I wonder if your dh feels guilty in some ways for not being able to enjoy this time more? like maybe he feels crappy about himself? maybe that you're doing all the hard work at home, you're the only one that can BF ds2 etc? it sounds like he's not exactly open to laying his heart on the table though do discussing this could be tricky?

    I'm inclined to agree that it sounds like something more than just not wanting a third baby though.

    is it possible he feels he has lost just the two of you and misses the way the r'ship used to be? I definitely feel that way sometimes.

    big hugs, it's not easy xx

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  10. #17
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    ps just read delirium's response and I agree. the cleanliness thing is anxiety about loss of control. I was the same after ds was born, spent so much time making sure the house was clean and orderly. it made me feel "better" somehow. maybe having the extra person in the house and the reflux/sleeplessness issues from early on has triggered some anxiety for him?

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    sunnygirl79  (18-06-2016)

  12. #18
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    I agree that it sounds like anxiety is exacerbating his OCD. Anxiety and depression, as it was explained to me, are cut from the same cloth. It's not uncommon for men to get PND so it makes sense PNA(nxiety) would be just as likely. However as he already doesn't see his OCD as problematic you will probably need to focus on other symptoms to steer him towards getting help (eg. disengaged in parenting, quick to become stressed).

    All that said though, a major factor for us in not going for a third is the fact that DH just doesn't cope with pregnancy and babies. I would seriously worry that another child might break our relationship during the baby phase. If we were to have a surprise (as nothing permanent has been done yet) I would be pretty much forcing DH into counseling before bub comes. He just does.not.cope. There are lots of little reasons why he doesn't cope but they do all fall under the general umbrella of pregnancy/birth/newborn are things that he just has little input in and absolutely no control over.

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  14. #19
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    Ever heard this quote: A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. My best friend told me that a few years back and just this morning she was reminding me how stressed I was about my house after DD was born seven years ago. Well I'm not like that this time round! I honestly feel like I wasted years of my life worrying about the house... Anyway might be a bit hard to express that sort of stuff to him at the moment but just thought I'd share. Your relationship and your children are so much more important than a clean house.

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  16. #20
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    Hi Sunnygirl, congratulations on your new baby. I am sorry you and dh aren't on the same page about this at the moment. Give it time. It took us over 4 years agonizing over it. Financial aspects are a factor, i agree. Eg 3 kids thru private school is not achievable at all now for us , two would have been a big stretch, but 3, no way, so we moved house to access our public school of choice, stuff like that. No overseas hols since having the third either. Having a new bub is stressful, maybe leave the discussion in the side of your mind for a year or two. I hope you can both come to a shared position about it. I understand the resentment factor. I've been there! That can just eat away at you.... try to resolve that feeling if you can (easier said than done i know) when the issue is such an important one... all the best.

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