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  1. #1
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    Default Feeling resentful at DH for going back on wanting another

    Feeling a little lost. We have 2 beautiful healthy sons (a 3 month old and an almost 5 year old) and before DS2 was born I thought 2 kids would be it. DH always said let's not cross that bridge just yet, maybe we will want another, etc. Immediately after DS2 was born I felt I wanted another, I am not done, etc. This feeling has not passed yet, despite a very difficult few months.

    DH on the other hand, has back-pedalled and doesn't want any more now. I think the stress of a newborn plus impending school fees etc has got him all stressed and he doesn't enjoy the baby phase at all. He is also a clean freak (I know I shouldn't complain) and it's getting increasingly difficult to keep our house to its usual 'display home' standard of tidiness.

    It's suddenly dawning on me that despite the fact he would never 'deny' me another child, he really doesn't want one, and that having another would probably cause him a great deal of stress. I just don't think my DH is cut out to be a father of 3, even 2 kids is really hard for him right now.

    We kind of agreed to re-open the discussion when DS2 turns 1, but in the meantime I am feeling increasingly resentful at DH as he often makes sarcastic comments regarding a 3rd child, like I am being ridiculous. And when I try to be serious about it, he gets all negative about it suggesting we will have to uproot our lives and sell our house as we can't possibly afford another, and he doesn't want to be an 'old' dad (he's just turned 35.... I don't think that's old?!).

    Not sure what the point of this thread is... Having a whinge and wondering if anyone else is in a similar predicament?

  2. #2
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    I think you should really just let the topic rest until you littlest is 1. Definitely dont talk with DH about it and try not to think too much about it. You said yourself that DH is having a difficult time with the newborn phase. Now is not the time. It's kinda like asking a woman in labour if she wants any more. 99% of women will scream NO! No more!!! But once bub is on their chest (or maybe once their perineum is healed!) they change their mind and think things through more clearly. Good luck. X

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    Well I can relate to the "display home" rebound thing! I used to be a total neat freak, up til midnight mopping floors etc each night - my second baby has been far too difficult tho to keep this up. I let it go, but a few times their neat-freak father made me cry as his standards are just way too high. We are not even together, and it's great he's so clean - but I was doing everything myself and that is **** hard. Re. extra kid - not sure... I take it you're still quite young too, so see how you go, once things get easier he may well change his mind!

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    Well I can relate to the "display home" rebound thing! I used to be a total neat freak, up til midnight mopping floors etc each night - my second baby has been far too difficult tho to keep this up. I let it go, but a few times their neat-freak father made me cry as his standards are just way too high. We are not even together, and it's great he's so clean - but I was doing everything myself and that is **** hard. Re. extra kid - not sure... I take it you're still quite young too, so see how you go, once things get easier he may well change his mind!

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    You really can't make an accurate call about what type of parent you will be or whether you want more kids... When you have a 3 month old. 3 month old are bloody hard work! You have hormones pumping through your body to help you come to terms with that. Your hubby has nothing, so he is seeing the hard work for what it is.

    Enjoy your beautiful bubba and reassess after the first birthday.

    Good luck!

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    no advice but sending hugs. vent away xx

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    Congrats on your newest addition. I would just leave it for now. I assume if you were going to go for a third it wouldnt be for a little while anyway? No point either of you stressing out about the are we/aren't we discussion for now. Enjoy all the cuddles and fun a new bub brings and hope you can both be happy with the decision you make.

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    Agree with Vic Park. You still have so many lovey baby hormones in your body. Put it to the side and don't even think about it till your youngest is 1. Tell your DH to stop talking about it as it's upsetting you and you will both keep an open mind till the first birthday.

    I know you say you resent him for going back on his word but you've kind of done the same thing. You didn't want a third now you do.

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    Agree with the other ladies.. Wait a little. Dh and I had both always agreed on 3, but after our second was born it was so tempting to stop for both of us. We both had moments of 'no more', but the closer she got to 12 months the less solid those thoughts were. I remember sitting dh down one day and telling him I wanted him to get the snip, I was done. He didn't really say anything but the next day he came to me and said that he really wants a third, he was sure of it.

    I guess I just want to highlight how much of a rollercoaster those first 12 months are.

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    I was in a similar position after my dd was born. Pre dd, both dh and I had sworn we only wanted 1 child. The minute dd was in my arms I knew I wasn't done! Dh remained adamant though. We agreed to reassess once dd was 18 months old. Like your dh, mine would make snarky remarks about having another and wouldn't listen if I brought it up. Eventually I stopped trying to talk about it and with time he came around! Dd will be 2 next month and we're now ttc. I asked him what changed once. He said he just couldn't imagine wanting another while dd wasn't sleeping, and still so little. He needed to reach the point of wanting another in his own time.

    Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, a no now might not be a no once your ds is a bit older. Let things settle for a while and he might change his mind. I totally get your frustration though. It's not easy letting it rest when you know in your heart it's what you want.

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