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  1. #1
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    Default I'm a dad, need advice please.

    Hi all,

    I'm in need of some advice, not in regards to my current child but to the situation involving a second. I'm at a point where I don't know where else to ask and its beginning to take a toll on myself, my work and my life as a whole.

    Bit of a background of myself:
    • I currently work full time (40 hr weeks)
    • I attend TAFE to further my education to provide a better life for my daughter
      • This leaves me with one full day off a week.
    • I attend TAFE full time Saturdays and one night a week (All free of charge)
    • I have a beautiful 9 month old daughter whom I adore
    I'm currently in a very rocky relationship with my partner with whom I've been dating for almost 3 years. Our daughter was not planned.

    Since my daughter was born I've been put through absolute hell. I've had my car window smashed by my partner, who then lied to police and had me issued with an AVO and I'm currently defending it in court. There has been constant arguments in regards to money and now, my partner wanting a second child.

    For the past 6 months my partner has been wanting to have another child, apparently "she has always wanted two close together". I'm far from ready to have another child, between my relationship, money and my current feelings i could not possibly want to bring another child into the world right now.

    Progressively it has gotten worse. My partner has let this whole second baby fiasco take over her life.
    • She gets angry seeing other people with multiple children
      • And says "What makes her so special?"
    • She gets anxious to go out because she will see women with multiple children
      • "what makes them different, why can they have two kids?"
    I'm constantly telling her with this that I'm not ready and that she needs to respect that. I also advise her that there life is different, we dont know there situation, we dont know why they have two kids; quite frankly, its not our business.

    Our sex life is ruined because shes so serious about sex for another baby. We can't have sex anymore because If i pull out, she gets angry "whats the point in sex if youre going to pull out?"

    The other day she has put a 2 seater pram on layby which she wants to pay of herself. I have no issue with this however told her we do not currently have the money to have a second child and im simply just not ready.


    I'm constantly being yelled at for going to TAFE. that i apparently dont care about my daughter because i spent my time studying.

    This has all been going on for 6 months now and it keeps getting worse. Shes literally obsessed with having another baby and lets it control her in every single way. She refuses to see someone when i suggest it. I'm also constantly abused that "Im the one who needs help, im selfish for doing this too her"

    Now don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I've done my fair share i could of done better, but i cannot handle this for much longer. I want to leave.

    I just want out, i dont want my life or my daughters life being affected by this obsession.

    I don't know what to do, I dont want to leave because I know what its like to not have parents, i dont want to do this to my daughter. I've tried for 6 months to comfort her and tell her i want another baby, just not yet.

    Seriously, I'd love to have a boy, but im just not ready!

    What can i do, Am i the one in the wrong?

    :\

  2. #2
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    My opinion would be to leave. This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship and your daughter shouldn't be witness to it. I think it's unfair on your daughter to have parents together who feel like this then to be separated and see what it's really like to be happy.

    My dad left and to be honest I'm glad, because he didn't love my mum anymore and when he was around it was horrible. Once he left, it was so much easier to deal with each parent. My mum I don't think will ever be happy but it was best for both of them.

    And no, your not in the wrong but I'm not saying your right. I just think this is not the type of relationship for either of you.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

  3. #3
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    What a tough situation. Personally, I think if you're not ready and your having relationship problems then you're doing the right thing by not having another baby at this point. I'm not sure what advice to offer though. Have you suggested you go see a counsellor together to talk this through?

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    Quote Originally Posted by BettyV View Post
    What a tough situation. Personally, I think if you're not ready and your having relationship problems then you're doing the right thing by not having another baby at this point. I'm not sure what advice to offer though. Have you suggested you go see a counsellor together to talk this through?
    Yes I've brought it up multiple times. She won't do it, she keeps telling me i'm the one who needs it.

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    I agree with @BettyV. Perhaps suggest couples counselling, and hopefully it will at least get communication flowing a bit more freely.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrDad1 View Post
    Yes I've brought it up multiple times. She won't do it, she keeps telling me i'm the one who needs it.
    If she won't go with you, then maybe start by going b on your own. Then she may be more open to the idea if she sees you're doing it. And if not, then at least the counsellor should be able to help you clarify your own feelings about it all and help you take the necessary steps to end the relationship as smoothly as possible. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship, and your partner sounds unstable - stay safe and keep your daughter safe.

    Best of luck, it sounds like a very difficult situation.

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    Think you're doing the right thing by not giving in to having another baby.
    It really doesn't sound like the right time.
    Did you see any of these behaviours in your partner before your DD arrived? If not, is it possible she's suffering post natal depression? I'm not making excuses but she may be unwell, and tbh some of her reactions to things don't sound rational. That doesn't necessarily help you if she won't get help or support. Is there a trusted mutual friend or family member you could talk to who may be able to talk to her?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frankenmum View Post
    If she won't go with you, then maybe start by going b on your own. Then she may be more open to the idea if she sees you're doing it. And if not, then at least the counsellor should be able to help you clarify your own feelings about it all and help you take the necessary steps to end the relationship as smoothly as possible. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship, and your partner sounds unstable - stay safe and keep your daughter safe.

    Best of luck, it sounds like a very difficult situation.
    This.

    I do think her behaviour is concerning and she would benefit from counselling BUT it needs to be her decision.

    You are working hard to provide for your family and future. Please do not feel guilty for that.

    Lots of luck.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GucciDahling View Post
    Think you're doing the right thing by not giving in to having another baby.
    It really doesn't sound like the right time.
    Did you see any of these behaviours in your partner before your DD arrived? If not, is it possible she's suffering post natal depression? I'm not making excuses but she may be unwell, and tbh some of her reactions to things don't sound rational. That doesn't necessarily help you if she won't get help or support. Is there a trusted mutual friend or family member you could talk to who may be able to talk to her?
    Yes, I've felt she has had PND since around a month after the arrival of our little girl. (So did the police when she was arrested for my car window.. then un-arrested and me being the target of police).

    I find it hard to do something about this because she 100% claims she does not have it and refuses to see anyone about it.

    EDIT: Unfortunately she does not have any friends beside myself. The anxiety issues she now has due to this situation stops her from going out without me. And when we go out its the same thing over and over.
    Last edited by MrDad1; 16-06-2016 at 21:30.

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    Other posters have offered some good advice. I just wanted to add that if you don't want another kid right now (which I totally understand) then please take control of the contraception and use something reasonably reliable such as condoms.
    (From your description regarding pull out I got the impression you were just relying on the withdrawl method which is IMO a recipe for disaster. Apologies if I have misinterpreted).


 

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