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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by monroe78 View Post
    Sure, i have mine, 4 nights/fortnight, Fri to Tuesday morning, pick up and drop off at 2 different schools, 1/2 of every school holiday, including the 3.5 weeks at the Dec/Jan break, every second Xmas, every second Easter, every Fathers Day, half of each childs Birthday. I have three step children and we make it work. I don't have a dryer either so i can understand that, haven't had one in 12 years, but i use the indoor clothes horses.

    Sorry that my opinion doesnt match yours and a few other people's on here, but you did want advice, so i thought by providing you with simple solutions to the few things you are having an issue with may help you more and solve the issues, than possibly arguing with your df to get him to see his daughter less and the damage that could potentially do.
    I don't think you are an evil step mum either, i don't even know you.

    I think that when people are the ones dealing with the problem themselves, in their own life, that the problems can feel bigger than what they may be, and from an outsiders point of view, on what you have said and asked advice on, i think the issues arent hard to solve.
    The alternative is you do convince your df to drop the 3rd night and you may be faced with him blaming you for less time with his daughter and holding resentment towards you which can cause big issues.

    To be honest I felt your posts came across that you think I'm being very selfish and only thinking of myself in this situation which is 100% not true.

    Do you and your DH both work? Do you travel far to the kids schools?

    Yes you're right, the issue is bigger for me as I'm the one dealing with the stresses and pressure of it all than someone on the outside. I am stressed by the thought of how to work things and deal with a newborn.

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  3. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by SummerFun View Post
    It's not just about getting her ready, it's washing of her uniforms, being organised for school, yes getting her ready for school too, waking everybody up over an hour earlier than we would usually, DSD lugging stuff to school Friday's & Monday's, driving 1.5hrs before school in her first year etc etc
    Sorry I'm trying to understand. You can either buy another uniform or wash her one on Friday night so it has time dry. That's what life is like with kids she might not be your child but she is his so if he can make a child then he can look after it. As for getting her ready I think it's unreasonable he expects you to do it but now I relised he is driving her why can he not get her ready. Just tell him to do it, I don't understand when people say "he won't do it". Just say x needs to leave in 30 min please start getting her ready. And if he is late he will learn next time to start earlier.
    As for her bringing a heap of things just tell her to bring one or two toys and that's it. I'm sure you have toys for her. Surely you have some clothes for her like PJs and weekend clothing.
    I'm sort of a bit confused about the getting ready for school and washing uniforms bit I do this all the time, don't all parents do this. Your husband needs to help you that's the issue I'm seeing here. Everything else can be sorted.

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  5. #23
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    Default Step Child Starting School - Help!

    I've read through your original post, and the replies. One of my exes had a similar arrangement with an ex as well, but we weren't living together.

    OP, I think a lot of the solution is to try to make the best of the situation. A lot of that is that your partner will need to do more.

    Depending on the price of the uniform, buy one so there is a clean one in the drawer ready to go, or if that's not feasible, advise the mum that you aren't able to wash and dry so she will be sent to school in the one she was wearing on Friday. Most outerwear can be fine for 2-3 wears in most circumstances.

    Make a schedule! Dsd can help get herself ready and her dad can help her. It's a way they can bond. If he complains then mention that it's time he is able to spend with her. But put a lot of the onus onto him for making things run smoothly.

    Also, at school age, there will be a lot less bits and pieces going back and forth. Keep half a dozen outfits and don't send clothes back and forth unless special stuff. But time with dad is special and Especially with his new family and her little brother or sister!
    Last edited by kzm; 08-06-2016 at 13:25.

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  7. #24
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    OP I have been in a very similar situation and I can sympathise. It's extremely difficult trying to make it all work. I think some great suggestions have been made but I totally understand how overwhelming it can be. It's only now with a 7mth old that I feel it's coming together... Sometimes...

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  9. #25
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    I think none of us really know how it all works when school starts, and that's for our kids who live with us 24/7. It is such a time of trial and error and adjustment.

    Honestly I wouldn't change the arrangement as tempting as it is. Yes the first few weeks will be tough, but it's one morning a week.

    I find Sunday evening really special with my school age kids as its the start of a new week and new beginnings. I wouldn't personally give that up.

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  11. #26
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    Thank you for all of your replies.

    Does anyone have any suggestions how to minimise the impact on my DD and newborn of waking up so early on those days? Bearing in mind the girls share a room (as previously mentioned), our house is very small and echoes, our main bedroom is right next to the girls room & bathroom and my DSD has a very loud voice volume.

    DSD is not very independent, she has to be told what to do every step of the way, even being told to go to the toilet so i can't see the mornings being a quiet affair in their rush to leave.

  12. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    I think none of us really know how it all works when school starts, and that's for our kids who live with us 24/7. It is such a time of trial and error and adjustment.

    Honestly I wouldn't change the arrangement as tempting as it is. Yes the first few weeks will be tough, but it's one morning a week.

    I find Sunday evening really special with my school age kids as its the start of a new week and new beginnings. I wouldn't personally give that up.
    So do I and I miss out on that time with my own DD when DSD is there, I get zero time to spend alone with my DD on the weekends DSD is there because her dad doesn't take her anywhere and our house is tiny so we can't do seperate activities iykwim

  13. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by SummerFun View Post
    To be honest I felt your posts came across that you think I'm being very selfish and only thinking of myself in this situation which is 100% not true.

    Do you and your DH both work? Do you travel far to the kids schools?

    Yes you're right, the issue is bigger for me as I'm the one dealing with the stresses and pressure of it all than someone on the outside. I am stressed by the thought of how to work things and deal with a newborn.
    Sorry that you feel like that.
    I never said you were being very selfish or selfish at all.
    I never said you are only thinking of yourself in this situation either.
    Please don't put words into my mouth or accuse me of thinking things which im not.

    I stated from the start i think you are being a tad unreasonable and that i agree with your df. Unreasonable, is not selfish. It's a different word and meaning. When people ask for advice they generally get differences of opinions. You don't seem to like mine as it doesn't match what you want to hear, but that's ok. However i see no relevance in what my life or family has to do with you, besides the fact we both have step kids, so yes i do know what it's like. Yes we work, yes we travel in different directions to different schools, that are not near us. Does that help you knowing that?

    I think you're stressing about a situation that hasn't happened yet and may or may not happen.
    There are more solutions though then possibly arguing with your df and causing other issues there.
    Maybe an option to give him could be something along the lines of a compromise, where for the first 6-12 weeks after your baby is born, instead of his daughter staying the 3 nights over those 3-6 weekends, she stays the 2 nights, so he is able to drop your other child off at school for you so you don't have the added stress of doing it with your newborn. Then after the time you agree on, it can go back to 3 nights every second weekened which means he doesn't lose his 3 nights forever and neither does your SD. I don't know, but it's one other idea to keep the compromise and all parties happy with less stress, if ofcourse the SDs Mum agrees as well.

    Once again you may not like my advice, you don't have to! take it or leave it, but it's just an idea! I shouldn't be accused of things im apparently thinking or "saying" because i have a difference of opinion to you.

    I'm not the one you need to convince that you want the weekends changed, try your df.

    Good luck

  14. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by SummerFun View Post
    So do I and I miss out on that time with my own DD when DSD is there, I get zero time to spend alone with my DD on the weekends DSD is there because her dad doesn't take her anywhere and our house is tiny so we can't do seperate activities iykwim
    But you don't really get alone time with kids once you have more than 1. I have 4 kids and work and my kids would be lucky to get 1 x 1 time with me once a week. I try but it's hard when they are young and need you.

    I have one daughter (grade 2) who needs help every morning. It's not great but it is what it is.

    I'm trying to be delicate in how I say this but your gripe is with your husband not his daughter. She's a child navigating her world with separated parents and he's a grown up.

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  16. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by monroe78 View Post
    Sorry that you feel like that.
    I never said you were being very selfish or selfish at all.
    I never said you are only thinking of yourself in this situation either.
    Please don't put words into my mouth or accuse me of thinking things which im not.

    I stated from the start i think you are being a tad unreasonable and that i agree with your df. Unreasonable, is not selfish. It's a different word and meaning. When people ask for advice they generally get differences of opinions. You don't seem to like mine as it doesn't match what you want to hear, but that's ok. However i see no relevance in what my life or family has to do with you, besides the fact we both have step kids, so yes i do know what it's like. Yes we work, yes we travel in different directions to different schools, that are not near us. Does that help you knowing that?

    I think you're stressing about a situation that hasn't happened yet and may or may not happen.
    There are more solutions though then possibly arguing with your df and causing other issues there.
    Maybe an option to give him could be something along the lines of a compromise, where for the first 6-12 weeks after your baby is born, instead of his daughter staying the 3 nights over those 3-6 weekends, she stays the 2 nights, so he is able to drop your other child off at school for you so you don't have the added stress of doing it with your newborn. Then after the time you agree on, it can go back to 3 nights every second weekened which means he doesn't lose his 3 nights forever and neither does your SD. I don't know, but it's one other idea to keep the compromise and all parties happy with less stress, if ofcourse the SDs Mum agrees as well.

    Once again you may not like my advice, you don't have to! take it or leave it, but it's just an idea! I shouldn't be accused of things im apparently thinking or "saying" because i have a difference of opinion to you.

    I'm not the one you need to convince that you want the weekends changed, try your df.

    Good luck
    If you read my original post my first question was asking what other people's access arrangements were.. I'm not singling you out by asking your situation, I asked it from the start before you replied.

    I'm not arguing with you because I don't want to hear your opinion, I simply stated that your post came across to me differently than what you may have intended.


 

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